Why All Lesbian Femmes Should Buy Their Own Straps

black woman wearing a strap on dildo

Written by Zamara Perri

 

“Ok so my girlfriend strap is too big…. i have expressed this to her a couple times and she laughed it off and made a joke of it…..idk what to do … i thought about buying another but i don’t know how she’ll take it … advice please.”

 

This post on Facebook broke my heart and brought back memories of my 20s and my first time having strap on sex. It looked like so much fun in porn. But not so much in real life. My girlfriends either had no clue or had dick envy or were used to having sex with women who had children. It hurt. It didn’t matter which woman I had sex with, it felt like I was being repeatedly punched in the cervix.

For some reason my femme girlfriends only had monster dildos. It never really occurred to me that it could be too big for me.

It was uncomfortable so I just told myself that I just didn’t like strap on sex. I told my lovers, I didn’t like strap ons either.

It wasn’t until my 30s that I had a partner who had a selection of dildos of varying sizes and lengths to select from. I closed my eyes and held my breath as she penetrated me with the shortest one. It didn’t hurt and I had so much fun. That was when the light bulb went off! I had a very short vaginal canal, so 9-inch dicks were never going to be fun for me.

 

Your Pleasure Matters, Too

I’m assuming the letter above is from a very young woman or a newly out lesbian who just wants to please her partner.

The partner may have a dildo that she likes, but guess who it’s penetrating? I say the person who is being penetrated gets to choose not to be in pain. The partner needs a reality check. One of the privileges of being a lesbian is not being stuck with a penis that you don’t like and can’t do anything about.

My message to this young lady and pretty much all femmes on the receiving end of a dildo is this: Buy your own dildo and strap. Why? Your pleasure matters too. Plus, they are really not that expensive and will help you weed out selfish lovers.

Once you’ve figured out what kind of dildo works for you, then you and your lover are bound to have more fun. If she’s not okay with that arrangement, then who’s gon check you boo? She can bounce.

When asked for her thoughts on this, my “feminine” friend Mel, said she likes having her own strap because she can control the cleanliness, quality of the materials and comfort.

“I have always been more of the strapper than the strapee,” she says. “I am all about comfort, mine and the other person’s. Finally, I found an amazing woman who has managed to not only make me love it…but also crave it like I’ve never had before. It’s the perfect size for me and she listens to my body. She understood that I wanted to give myself completely to her, but wanted to make sure she’d take care of me, which she has done so well. * bites bottom lip*”

So yep. Date a woman who is loving enough to care about her partner’s comfort and pleasure and a woman who isn’t willing to sacrifice your comfort at the altar of her giant ego. Toys are supposed to equal fun. If one person isn’t having fun, then that person gets to say no.

Plus, having your own strap resolves that silly argument that lesbians like to have where they want their partner’s to buy new sex toys with every new partner.

Finally, it’s freaking sexy when a woman can whip out her own dildo and tell her lover: “Relax boo, I came packing my own heat.”

Masculine Not Manly, Vol 3: A Letter From a Recovering TouchMeNot Stud

queen latifah and girlfriend in set it off

Written by Bre Ukweli

Dear Lover,

I promise it isn’t your fault that you have yet to make me cum in bed. I also swear on my entire sexual life, that I’m honestly not punishing you with dryness because you’re incompetent. Sometimes I think that the pleasure gene skipped me entirely and my vagina is just there for show and unnecessary monthly messes.

Up until recently, my sexual needs  thrived off of my lovers’ wants. Their moans were like cheering sections that had me wearing my back scratches like medals. Pleasure was just a game that I played for the sake of my ego.

There comes a time in every TouchMeNot (TMN) stud’s life where our bodies inherently begins to grow jealous of watching orgasm after orgasm, from the outside. Suddenly, the feeling of someone else’s wetness isn’t enough to fuel the mental satisfaction and we begin to crave more. But, we’ve already established rules that require us to slap away your hands in the heat of the moment.

We’ve created sexual environments where it’s okay for you, as a partner, to walk away completely satisfied and leave your stud contemplating her life and sexual needs, feeling incomplete for reasons she doesn’t understand.

We’re sorry, even in silence. Trust me on this one.

Rewriting that environment is intense, but necessary, especially if you, I mean we (but mostly me), want to save our relationship; both sexually and emotionally.

You want to know the key to sex with a recovering TouchMeNot stud like me?

  1. Patience.
  2. Don’t pressure me into anything. Allow me to make the request. I know what I need and all you have to do is listen. I understand it can be difficult to wait, but I promise you that’s the best way to get me to be comfortable with you.
  3. Talk to me outside of the bedroom. Get to know me through intimate conversations. Find out not only what turns me off, but also why. The “why” is extremely important. Sometimes there’s a lot more than just a need for control that’s keeping me from enjoying sex.
  4. Lastly, be open-minded, supportive and understanding. There’s nothing worse than making me feel bad about going against your sexual (and heteronormative) expectations. What I mean is, if you get lucky enough to get me to ask to be strapped, you strap up. Simple.

Your pleasure should be my pleasure and my ecstasy should be your ecstasy. Let’s make love to each other, have fun and see how it goes.

Love,

Bre


Bre  is a 24-year-old gender-fluid person living in South Florida. She is a shade connoisseur hopelessly chasing skylines, sunsets and social justice.

Lisa & Roshanda: She Walked Into the Bus Station and Stole My Heart

black lesbian brides embrace in a gazebo
black lesbian couples at restaurant laughing happily

Lisa and Roshanda lean in for a photo at a restaurant.

Written by Lisa Lockhart

I met my wife, Roshanda, on a dating site. I was in Jacksonville, Florida, and she was in Tampa, Florida. As we were talking on the phone, I found myself really liking this woman who I had never met. So, I decided it was time we meet.

I went to Tampa by Greyhound and I must admit, I was a little nervous. As the Greyhound bus was pulling into Tampa, I had all these butterflies in my stomach.

As I waited for her, in walked a little, petite woman who had a bouquet of flowers for me. When I saw her eyes, I was hooked.

Our first date was at this restaurant called Martha’s in Tampa. While we waited on our food, we talked and we both liked what we saw. Our first dinner date was at a restaurant that serves authentic Mexican cuisine.

I Knew She Was Special

black lesbian brides embrace in a gazebo

Lisa and Roshanda got married in May 2015.

After leaving her that day, I knew she was special. For two years, we had a long-distance relationship. After realizing that I had fallen in love with her, I knew I wanted to be with her. When I confessed that I loved her, she was speechless at first, and she said she loved me too.

When she proposed, it had me in tears. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together so I moved to Tampa and I got a job transfer. We got married on my birthday, May 20, 2015.

 

We Take Care of Each Other

We make sure we take care of each other. She has dyslexia and I make sure that I remind her that she is a great, creative person. She has had a rough life, from being adopted to being sexually and physically abused. Still, she has a great head on her shoulders.

I love how my wife supports me and loves me with my epilepsy. I love her because of her heart. She is always there for me and I love her with all her imperfections. She says she loves my eyes and my face and calls me “Fancyface.”

Our Family

black lesbian mom and step daughter high school graduation

Lisa stands proudly with her stepdaughter, Keisha, at her high school graduation.

I never had any kids and another bonus was getting to know Roshanda’s daughter, Keisha. Even though Keisha was shy, we hit it off right away. She doesn’t stay with us, but it feels good to have a daughter. I get to buy her make up and give her advice.

Why Black Lesbian Queens Stay in Bad Relationships

dark skinned natural women big hair

We have so many reasons for staying but like to pretend we don’t know. Photo courtesy of David Famuyide

Written by Zamara Perri

When a black woman falls in love with another woman, especially for the first time, it can be completely magical. She makes our heart skip a beat, our palms sweaty, puts butterflies in our stomach and makes our panties wet. We can’t stop thinking about her, wanting her and dreaming about your future together.

Maybe she is the one. Maybe she’s not. Lesbians are famous for falling in love quickly and trying to build something out of nothing. And we black lesbian queens are no different.

But for real though, just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t mean you have to build a life together.

Sometimes we say yes to relationships, circumstances and situations without truly weighing the costs.

At first we think we can handle/settle for a less-than-ideal situation, but as time goes by, we realize that we’re not happy.

What Are You Getting Out of the Relationship?

Sometimes we hope and pray that things (or maybe she) will change, but the truth is that the only person you can change is yourself.

I truly believe that before getting into or getting out of a relationship, all black lesbians should ask themselves, what they are getting out of the relationship.

I’m so serious. All romantic relationships have a pay off. My partner taught me a really important lesson early in our relationship. Although she is a truly kind, spirit-driven woman who loves people, before she gets involved in anything, she always asks herself, “What am I getting out of this?”

The question is important, she reasons, because if you’re not getting what you want, then what motivation do you truly have in continuing to pursue this thing? This question can relate to any relationship, business opportunity, volunteer of social activity. I know it sounds crazy and selfish, but hear me out.

My partner taught me that even if the only thing you get from a situation is a good feeling, it has to be something valuable to you.

Everything has a cost and a pay off so know your worth.

 

The Real Reasons We Stay

So with that in mind, let’s be honest. Some people claim that they get into relationships because they just love this other person and can’t live without them.

That might be true, but if we are truly honest most people are in relationships for a combination of the following reasons:

  • She makes you feel good
  • She’s really good in bed
  • Y’all are pretty together
  • You like the attention she gives you
  • She’s your companion/best friend
  • A built in cuddle buddy
  • Someone to split the bills with
  • She makes you feel good
  • Someone to raise children with
  • A status symbol/ being in relationship makes you desirable in the eyes of your community
  • She brings out the best in you
  • You like taking care of her because (you feel powerful, strong, important etc., etc.)

You Get What You Accept

It may seem obvious that when you’re in a bad relationship, you should just leave. But it’s just not that easy. Even though we don’t think we consciously sign up for being treated like crap, far too many of us put up with lovers who:

  • Lie, cheat and manipulate
  • Are financially irresponsible
  • Are unreliable
  • Never apologize
  • Talks to us out of the side of her neck
  • Blames, instead of taking responsibility for her bad behavior
  • Makes us cry

Is that what we truly want? If it’s not and we’re still hanging around, then there is an even deeper reason why we’re choosing to remain in that relationship.

We stay because there is something about that shitty relationship that fills a basic need.

And queen, only you know what that need is. Could it be because you think that you’ll never find someone to “love” you again? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of losing her income? Do you have a lease together and it’s too much of a hassle to untangle it all? Are you comfortable with being unhappy? Do you believe that this is all you deserve? Or do you truly believe that she is the one and that she will change?

Saying yes to any of those questions means you’re staying because you think you need that person’s love, company, money, property, etc.

If these things are what you’re getting from your relationship, then it won’t matter to you if your partner is showing you in many different ways that you are not valuable to her and that you are not a priority because you won’t leave. No judgment here. I’ve been there and done it myself.

I remember being in a relationship where we argued and fought all the time. Most of our arguments stemmed from her being extremely insensitive, which led to me being even more insecure. Even after letting the relationship go, I found myself crying over her. When I got real with myself and dug deep down inside, I discovered that I still wanted the relationship because I was lonely and liked her attention.

I was embarrassed. Here I was this strong, independent black woman who needed this woman’s negative attention to validate me. But it was the ugly truth. Knowing that truth made me understand why this dysfunctional relationship was important to me.

How to Get What You Want

Ladies, it’s really simple, if you are not getting what you want from your relationship, there really is no reason to stay. Celebrating your 20th anniversary is hardly an accomplishment if you spent 19 of those years being disrespected and abused.

Many of us think that because we love someone that we need to stick around and deal with their crap to prove how much we love them. Actually real love is the opposite. If you truly love someone, you demand that they do better and you demand that they treat you better. Treating you well is the price she must pay to be in your life.

 

The relationship you have is the relationship you settle for.

 

If you are not getting something really valuable out of a relationship and you don’t want to leave, then you need to re-negotiate. Have the conversation. Express yourself. Use your words. Stand up for yourself because you, my dear, are worth it.

Queen, your partner doesn’t have all the power. A strong woman doesn’t complain or threaten to leave; a strong woman takes action.

The time you spend stressing over her bullshit is the time you could spend working on other goals, being your own best friend, buying your own property, supporting and taking care of yourself. And when you’re ready, you will demand better or move on. It was hard, but I did it and I know you can too.

Georgette and Shannon: There Are Levels To This Love

black lesbian family photo

 

Shannon and Georgette are dressed up and out on the town.

Shannon and Georgette believe gender loving families are beautiful, worthy and blessed.

This story was updated March 2, 2016.

Nearly four years ago Georgette and Shannon met online. Although they clashed from the very beginning, they couldn’t help but explore the connection they shared. The happy couple, who moved in together the last weekend in February, share their love story below:

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): How did you meet?

Shannon: We met on line. She was rude on our first date. We actually bumped heads from the very beginning, which is what I believe somehow made us become more drawn to each other.

Georgette: We met in August 2012. I saw her profile and was drawn to her, so I reached out and she responded.

BL3: What attracted you to each other?

Georgette: I liked what she wrote in her profile and her sense of style. When we exchanged phone numbers and started communicating over the phone,I enjoyed our conversations and her intelligence. We couldn’t get along though (lol), we would always clash because our strong personalities. We spoke via phone for eight months before we ever met up. We were both dating other people but would always keep in touch often enough to remain in each other’s life.

Shannon: Georgette was very “feisty,” beautiful, and intelligent. Our initial conversations were intriguing, had depth, and allowed us to see the parts of each other’s personality that most don’t get to see for months, if not years.

 

BL3: What do you love about each other?

Shannon: I love how nurturing and protective she can be. She’s also one of the sexiest women I’ve ever met, and she absolutely adores me.

One last thing that other women tend to forget, she loves the woman I am. She understands the aspects of me that aren’t, or are less feminine, but she always treats me like the woman I am.

 

Georgette: What I love about her is her passion, her intelligence, her heart especially towards our daughter, her leadership, dependability, her willingness to grow, her love for family, her sense of style and smell. OMG she is beautiful and sexy!

 

Bl3: Tell us about your first date.

Shannon: She lived in Jacksonville, Fla., and I lived three hours away in St. Petersburg. I went to visit her in Jacksonville, and we went out to dinner at a restaurant. It was an unconventional first date because I would be spending time with her for the entire weekend. She seemed a bit timid at first, but became much more at ease toward the end.

Georgette: Well actually, our first date was at the beach one Saturday morning. It was very calming and relaxing. We held each other’s hands as we took a stroll. I can still remember how I felt that day. I felt like I found home. I have pictures of that scenery. I laid my head on her chest and it was then I knew I was going to fall.

BL3: How long have you been together?

Shannon: While we’ve known each other for a little over three years, we’ve been dating for 1.5 years, and in a committed relationship for nine months. It’s levels to this!

Georgette: April 5, 2016 will make two years since we’ve officially been together.

 

The Gift of Commitment

black lesbian couple black, white and pink

Within months of meeting, Shannon and Georgette knew they would one day marry each other.

BL3: Are you interested in getting married?

Shannon: We are both two people of quality who believe that whatever you put in your relationship is exactly the fruit it bears.

Though we aren’t legally married or officially engaged, we speak infinite love, life, family and everlasting growth into our relationship. About three or four months into dating, we came to terms that we would be married one day. Ultimately, we share the same vision, perception, and beliefs of what we feel marriage, family, and parenting should be.

Georgette: We believing in waiting and making sure things are in order before we take the big step. However, marriage is in the making within a year or two.

BL3: Tell us a little about your family life.

Georgette: We have one daughter. Ever since they have met our daughter claimed her as her mom. After six months she started to call Shannnon mommy and is committed to it! She is protective of her mommy Shanney and thinks highly of her. I love that about my family, we are very close and care deeply for each other. We travel a lot and do a lot together. We love to dress alike or compliment each other’s dress. We love spending time together.

 

black lesbian family purple

Shannon and Georgette believe that whatever you put in your relationship is exactly the fruit it bears!

BL3: What’s the best gift have you gotten from each other?

Georgette: For me it’s the gift of quality time, passion affection and love. The gift of safety and security. Whenever she gives me these gifts I feel unbreakable, alive and as if I’m in heaven.

Shannon: Georgette allowing me to be a part of her daughter’s life. I’ve been given the gift of motherhood and unconditional love. I love my family and pray that the world will grow to understand that same-gender loving families are beautiful, worthy and blessed.

How I Healed After My Long-term Lesbian Relationship Ended

Model looks forward to the future.
Model looks forward to the future.

Letting go and starting over is never all that easy. Model: Tene’A.

Written by Vanessa B.

After falling in love with my best friend from high school, we spent the next 17 and a half years together. We did not live happily ever after. We broke up after I returned from serving in the Army and losing the relationship made me “cray-cray” crazy.

After the breakup, we were going back and forth in our conversations but we were definitely broken up because she started seeing someone three months after our breakup. It was a horrible emotional experience for me. A lot of things from our entire relationship boiled to the surface. The anger, sadness, and disappointment had already become recurring themes.

 

The Near Death Experience

One day, after arguing with Debra over the phone while driving at a high speed on the highway and almost slamming into the back of a Mack truck, I just stopped arguing with her.

After that day I decided I would always be kind when I spoke to her. I survived Iraq and yet while arguing on the cell phone I almost killed myself on the highway.

 

Mending My Broken Heart

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Forgiveness is healing. Model: Jessica Chibueze

I needed to quiet my mind and mend my broken heart. I started to pray, and meditate and, most importantly, I decided I wanted to heal. There was no going around the pain; I knew I had to go through it. I accepted that my long-term relationship was permanently over and I stopped all communication with her.

I had never been a real member of a church before, but I started my healing journey by sitting in the back of a church and crying my eyes out.

Also, I set some very simple goals: I wanted to heal, forgive, and get my butt up out of the bed and out of the house. The biggest help was being out of state and away for home. I decided not to return to my hometown. It was bittersweet, but to this day, it was the best decision I ever made.

What really helped me to forgive was that I looked ahead five years into the future and I knew I didn’t want to still be hurt or angry or harboring any “unforgiveness.” I also knew I needed to forgive myself and stop beating myself up.

I recognized early on in the breakup that anger and heartache were not there to be helpful to me. All the negative emotions I felt were exhausting and preventing me from moving forward. So I apologized to Debra for everything I had done.

I asked her for her forgiveness but I didn’t want or need her to acknowledge it. Just deciding to sincerely and genuinely forgive her and to forgive myself, helped me heal.

It feels a little odd to say this but I truly think I benefitted from her choice to jump into a relationship with someone new, because there was nothing I could do about it. So, it didn’t take me long to forgive because I saw the benefit in it, not for her, but for me.

I asked myself, what do you want? What are you going to do, now? It wasn’t an overnight process, at all. It took a lot of time, but it was a long-lasting type of healing for me.

Many years have passed now what happened in that relationship hasn’t impacted my ability to trust. I had to learn a lesson in order to realize that in relationship there has to be upfront, honest communication. Also, I need to ask questions and not just dive in to anything. I think that lesson also comes with maturity.

 

A Different Kind of Happily Ever After

I want to let all the black lesbians out there know there is no expiration date on the grief and mourning you may feel when your love relationship ends. However, breakups are the best time to do a YOU inventory. Meaning, who are you? What do you want? And what’s next for you? Debra was my first love, but by the time our relationship ended I was wiling to be in love with me. I needed to heal me. I needed to help me. I needed to save myself. And I did. And you can too.

It has been over 10 years since our breakup. I saw her once in person several years ago. Otherwise, it’s been an occasional picture on social media. We talked a few times over the years. It felt somewhat awkward because our lives have gone in completely different directions. She’s still in our hometown and living her life there. I have completed some higher learning goals, and I travel and I’ve lived in a few different places.

I’m very happy in my life. I have genuinely achieved closure in all my past relationships. Not only did I forgive but I also forgot.

I have no regrets. This is my life and there’s no dress rehearsal, it’s the real thing. I believe our past makes us who we are. Every life experience and encounter is three things: (1) A blessing, (2) a lesson, and (3) an opportunity.

I am currently single, but I date and I have a wonderful group of family and friends. I’ve also started to embrace the idea of a poly-amorous relationship because I don’t think you can be everything to one person, but maybe you can be a few good things to a few people. I stay open and receptive to new people coming into my life all the time.

 


 

Vanessa B.Veronica B is an entrepreneur, and a former psychotherapist. She resides in Las Vegas, where she likes to volunteer, hike, travel and write. She is an active member of the Vegas LGBTQ community. She’s currently working on projects involving social psychology, issues of religion, and empowerment for women and girls of color.

Why My Girlfriend And I Broke Up After 17 Years Together

Young black lesbians in love.

Written by Vanessa B.

Debra and I were best friends in high school. We were typical teenagers, hanging out and finding trouble to get into. We were both still into boys at that time. Neither of us had had any experiences with girls beyond playing house or doctor.

Shortly after graduation I attended Debra’s sister’s wedding and over the course of the evening, an attraction to her just came over me. I hadn’t felt anything like that toward her prior to that day. Needless to say, I was scared and confused. Ironically, she was my best friend, so who was I going to talk to about this attraction I was experiencing?

At first, I avoided her for about a week and a half, then invited her over to talk. She confessed that she had felt something the day of the wedding, also. It was all so surreal, and bizarre. I guess my curiosity won out and I kissed her, and she kissed me back. And that was the beginning of a 17-and-a-half year roller coaster of emotions and experiences.

We were together from our late teens until our mid-30s. For the first 11 years of our relationship, we were in the closet.

We loved each other very much. We had many up and downs and joys and pains. We were both free spirits and dreamers. This often meant talking about our hopes and dreams but unfortunately not seeing them to fruition.

 

We Had Different Dreams

We talked about getting married, buying a home, having a child, and traveling but we really never did anything together to make it a reality. Our personalities were such that she liked to put all her eggs in one basket and wasn’t comfortable with change and I was the total opposite. For instance, I was also a free spirit and a dreamer but I had a plan B that included college, travel, etc. She was/is a very sociable person, and a DJ with close family ties. Also, once she finished high school she was done with school forever.

So, unfortunately, we could never get on the same page about building a life together. We both lived, separately with our parents, for the first 10 years of our relationships. I eventually moved out of my Mom’s house and into my own apartment, and she moved into a house that her sister bought.

 

I Betrayed Her

Black woman in army unifform.

Vanessa B in her Army days.

After five years of being together I acted out, and betrayed our relationship by dating guys in order to continue the heterosexual farce. I was confused, and at the time, and I still cared about what my family and society thought. Nonetheless, what I did hurt her but we managed to get through it, or so I thought.

I was the one who left the relationship (at first, and in a way). Let me explain. I joined the Army. At that point, we had been together 15 years. I was at a loss and at a dead end in my love relationship and in my relationship with my family.

On sheer impulse, I walked into the Army recruiter’s office and signed up for a three-year stint. We both agreed that the change was what we needed in order to find ourselves. She was hurt by the drastic change and as a result there was quite a bit of passive-aggression, on her part. The military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell,” nonsense was still intact and she resented that. Also, I was no longer around or I was unable to speak to her every day. So eventually, she broke up with me, via letter, while I was in boot camp.

We somehow managed to get back together, however, I didn’t receive any care packages from her the entire time I was in the army, including the year I spent deployed to Iraq. Also, she sent me a total of about five letters over an almost three-year period. Needless to say our relationship was rocky.

 

Growing Apart

When I returned home I felt that after all that had occurred while I was away, we needed to really sit down and have a deep and meaningful conversation. However, she wasn’t comfortable with talking about what had transpired between us while we were apart.

She wanted to just put it all behind us and move on. The problem was that in those three years, our relationship got tested in the most fundamental of ways. With regards to things like change, communication, trust, responsibility, and maturity, we had moved in different directions and reacted in different ways.

When she suggested that I move into a bedroom (not an apartment) with her, in her sister’s house, and pay rent to her sister, it became clear I had changed but not much else had. We had both grown older but only one of us had grown up. So within a month of me returning from Iraq, we broke up.

Read part 2 to learn how I healed from the break up.


 

Vanessa B.Veronica B. is an entrepreneur, and a former psychotherapist. She resides in Las Vegas, where she likes to volunteer, hike, travel and write. She is an active member of the Vegas LGBTQ community. She’s currently working on projects involving social psychology, issues of religion, and empowerment for women and girls of color.

God Gave Me A Second Chance With My Soul Mate

Asia and Eula have been together three years.

Asia and Eula are celebrating three years of being together.

 

Written by Asia Hamilton

My partner, Eula, and I come from very abusive childhoods. For years upon years our bodies, minds, hearts, souls and spirits were slowly being destroyed. Still, we survived abuse, neglect, abandonment and unfaithfulness.

Roughly five years ago, we saw each other at a pride festival. Eula says that was the moment she knew she found the ONE. At the time we had both been through very bad relationships, and I just wasn’t ready to be hurt again and I didn’t want to hurt someone else either.

A few months went by, and as sweet and persistent as Eula was about making me hers, it just wasn’t the right time. I ended up dating someone else and she ended up getting back with an ex. So truly, I saved us both from making a spur of the moment decision, or so I thought.

We cut all communication for about two years. While in those relationships, we again received ill treatment from our partners, until we just couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Our Second Chance

Asia and Eula intimate upside down kiss.

Asia knows that it was God gave her a second chance to be with her soul mate, Eula.

I’d say maybe three to four months or so after my breakup, I saw Eula again, for the first time in all those years. However, this time when I saw her, I got that “this is the ONE feeling” almost instantly, but she just wasn’t the same. I didn’t realize that I had hurt her all those years ago by not dating her, but that very night she told me she had been waiting years to be with me.

She said that she KNEW God would bring me back to her because it’s all she prayed for. I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I could have had this love a long time ago. I was hurt, stubborn, selfish, uncaring, and unforgiving. I allowed my past and my pride to control my feelings and actions.

Yes, I do believe that everything works out according to His plan, but this was HIM giving me everything I deserved, I just didn’t listen. This time felt so different though. I did everything I could to prove that I was truly sorry and made the wrong choice, and after a while she forgave me. We have been together for almost three years now.

I chose to share this story with you all because I want you to know how important it is to listen to that little voice inside your head. If you feel like God or something is compelling you to act, then do so.

As soon as you put evil, pride, hurt, selfishness, and all negativity behind you, you’ll be surprised who you could fall in love with, and better yet, who could be falling for you.

 

We Hold Each Other Down

Asia kisses Eula's cheek

Eula (right) smiles as Asia plans a kiss on her cheek.

Eula is the BEST partner I could ever ask for and I know she’d say the same about me. Together, we have taught each other the true meaning of love, respect, forgiveness, patience, compassion, empathy, understanding, dedication, hard work, and spiritualism. No matter what we went through, what we go through, or what we could go through, we have been and will continue to be there for one another.

Even when we were separated and living separately we STILL held each other down. For us that meant me working two jobs when she lost hers, or vice versa when I lost mine. We refuse to let each other sink. I appreciate and love her for not only being the best partner I could ever have, but because we chose to become best friends first.

At the beginning of last year, nothing was going right, but here we are at its end and I’m blessed with tears of joy! We chose to believe in Him, in ourselves, in each other, in better, in something!

I was raised very religious and I knew for a fact that if we did right by the Lord, He would love, protect, and provide for us in ways no other person could, including each other.

 

In 2015, we became soul mates. Together, we faced two near-death experiences, which totaled two of our cars; I caught a charge; we were cast out by our families; and there were times when we didn’t even have food to eat.

 

However, in 2015, we also paid off over $10,000 in debt and student loans, built up our credit scores, bought and sold five cars, moved out of our childhood prisons (homes), took four vacations, got raises and promotions through our jobs, and now we are getting ready to plan a wedding and start saving for our future children!

Queen Size: A Love Poem

two nude black women embracing.

Let me roll over into your warmth. Photo courtesy of Mike Mogul.

 

Written by Tresaun Lee for her wife, Maia

 

I shove my backside against the perfectly assorted seam.

Rubbing the 300 count about

my thighs –in silent hopes to feel

an arm

wrap around my waist.

Never begging to wash sheets.

Praying the scent of you escapes my

feather down &

sinking deeper into an oversized dray;

awaiting to be weighed down to

the box spring.

The gentle thrusts of slow spooning singing out.

When will you return here and make this castle

feel less big?

Like the nape of your neck –smaller in fact.

Consume the “other” side.

Let me roll over into your warmth

rather than the chill of that empty sort.

Have me wake in dire nights to a steady

breath on my cheek and eyelashes

batting open to dawn.

Seeing your

tangled tresses interlock on my tips –even

in the dead of night.  No black room can darken

you out.

Every sleep alone does fill this dread.

Yet and always I find it too much of a

pillage to assort these pillows

to stack them so –to remake

your inanimate body feel like it’s here.

Just come home to this scene.

For even a King feels small

in a chariot beset for a Queen.

About Our Love: Why I Waited Five Years to Marry My College Sweetheart

Tre and Maia nuzzle each other.
Tre and Maia looking supa dupa fly.

Tre and Maia are college sweethearts who married after five years of dating.

Written by Tresaun Lee

I always want to tell people that we (me and Maia) met in some real crazy romantic scenario but truthfully it was online. We both went to the same university but had never before spoken to one another. She claimed to have seen me on campus before and was too shy to say something. One random night in October 2008 we both happened to be on Downelink.

I said something to her cuz she was the only one in the chat room on video and not typing. She didn’t like the setup and said it was too hard to keep up with the convos and that sparked a private IM session. Before long, we were speaking for hours. After we spoke online for awhile we kept promising to link up on campus, but our classes never aligned so she invited me to her house in the city for dinner one night.

She made me pesto pasta, we watched movies, drank and talked. She lived on a popular street in the city so we walked the length of it, perusing shops and flirting then ended up down by the waterfront. It was pretty chill but also very intimate. I have never left her side after that night. Lol.

 

I Fell in Love

A couple months after we met, I asked her to be exclusive and about a year and some change later, I asked her to be my wife. I’d say I fell in love with her after she went back home to visit family in another country. Never missed someone so much and it was weird cuz from the day we met, we didn’t spend a day apart.

What I love about her is that she is her own person. She is very much like my mother, which I love and hate. She is stubborn and compassionate. Headstrong and committed. What some see as shy and quiet I see as mysterious and layered.

It’s like she reserves her real self for me only and she too sees my demons and angels without me having to verbalize much.

I hate to say it but she is my best friend and not cuz we get along and make a good team but also cuz she knows me where I dunno myself.

 

The Secret to a Long-Lasting Relationship

Tre and Maia laughing in an alley

Tre and Maia laugh together in the midst of a photo shoot.

If you ask me what’s the secret to making a relationship last, I’ll say, there’s is no damn secret! LoL. It’s hard as hell. The secret is that it takes real life work.

People wanna believe in fairyt ales and the one and only but that is still another living breathing person. We forget our love can be narcissistic and demanding and that our counterparts aren’t puppets.

I think mostly my wife and I are happy with our relationship because we can talk to one another when we need to. Even if it’s the same thing it’s not nagging. We share ourselves and try to lift each other up.

Because I get to see the blood, sweat and tears she puts into making me and allowing me to be the woman I am … I too, wanna reciprocate and show her I’m there to do the same when she needs it. It’s nice to think it’s 50/50 but it never is. Someone always needs the other more and I’m glad my wife knows about realistic compromise and how to keep not only me happy, but our relationship fresh.

 

I Believe in Non-Conventional Relationships, But Still Wanted a Wife

For me marriage symbolizes a step toward a future. And of course I believe in non-conventional relationships, but I always wanted a wife. When I met mine, I really was partly afraid I would lose someone so important to me without making that grand gesture. Another part of me wanted to show her how serious I was about being just as important in her life.

We had agreed to wait for her to graduate but unbeknownst to us at the time, that two-year plan had become an eight-year one. I felt like her unwillingness to compromise was a larger issue to making me wait on her timeline and she felt like me pressuring her was speaking to me never being satisfied.

What we ended up doing was getting married without the bells and whistles and planning for something larger once she’s out of school. We both had to compromise. We both got a little of what we wanted but in the end I think our relationship got what it needed.

We approached a subject we hated to speak about in a million different ways. We talked till we were blue in the face, we cried and laughed. And in the end it was worth it cuz I know why I wanted her as a wife. No other woman is worth waiting five years for. And soon we’ll have been together 10 years, and I can’t believe it’s only the beginning.


 

Tre and Maia are in their early 30s and live in Philadelphia. Tre is a poet. Here is a poem she wrote for Maia.