Lisa & Roshanda: She Walked Into the Bus Station and Stole My Heart

black lesbian brides embrace in a gazebo
black lesbian couples at restaurant laughing happily

Lisa and Roshanda lean in for a photo at a restaurant.

Written by Lisa Lockhart

I met my wife, Roshanda, on a dating site. I was in Jacksonville, Florida, and she was in Tampa, Florida. As we were talking on the phone, I found myself really liking this woman who I had never met. So, I decided it was time we meet.

I went to Tampa by Greyhound and I must admit, I was a little nervous. As the Greyhound bus was pulling into Tampa, I had all these butterflies in my stomach.

As I waited for her, in walked a little, petite woman who had a bouquet of flowers for me. When I saw her eyes, I was hooked.

Our first date was at this restaurant called Martha’s in Tampa. While we waited on our food, we talked and we both liked what we saw. Our first dinner date was at a restaurant that serves authentic Mexican cuisine.

I Knew She Was Special

black lesbian brides embrace in a gazebo

Lisa and Roshanda got married in May 2015.

After leaving her that day, I knew she was special. For two years, we had a long-distance relationship. After realizing that I had fallen in love with her, I knew I wanted to be with her. When I confessed that I loved her, she was speechless at first, and she said she loved me too.

When she proposed, it had me in tears. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together so I moved to Tampa and I got a job transfer. We got married on my birthday, May 20, 2015.

 

We Take Care of Each Other

We make sure we take care of each other. She has dyslexia and I make sure that I remind her that she is a great, creative person. She has had a rough life, from being adopted to being sexually and physically abused. Still, she has a great head on her shoulders.

I love how my wife supports me and loves me with my epilepsy. I love her because of her heart. She is always there for me and I love her with all her imperfections. She says she loves my eyes and my face and calls me “Fancyface.”

Our Family

black lesbian mom and step daughter high school graduation

Lisa stands proudly with her stepdaughter, Keisha, at her high school graduation.

I never had any kids and another bonus was getting to know Roshanda’s daughter, Keisha. Even though Keisha was shy, we hit it off right away. She doesn’t stay with us, but it feels good to have a daughter. I get to buy her make up and give her advice.

Why Black Lesbian Queens Stay in Bad Relationships

dark skinned natural women big hair

We have so many reasons for staying but like to pretend we don’t know. Photo courtesy of David Famuyide

Written by Zamara Perri

When a black woman falls in love with another woman, especially for the first time, it can be completely magical. She makes our heart skip a beat, our palms sweaty, puts butterflies in our stomach and makes our panties wet. We can’t stop thinking about her, wanting her and dreaming about your future together.

Maybe she is the one. Maybe she’s not. Lesbians are famous for falling in love quickly and trying to build something out of nothing. And we black lesbian queens are no different.

But for real though, just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t mean you have to build a life together.

Sometimes we say yes to relationships, circumstances and situations without truly weighing the costs.

At first we think we can handle/settle for a less-than-ideal situation, but as time goes by, we realize that we’re not happy.

What Are You Getting Out of the Relationship?

Sometimes we hope and pray that things (or maybe she) will change, but the truth is that the only person you can change is yourself.

I truly believe that before getting into or getting out of a relationship, all black lesbians should ask themselves, what they are getting out of the relationship.

I’m so serious. All romantic relationships have a pay off. My partner taught me a really important lesson early in our relationship. Although she is a truly kind, spirit-driven woman who loves people, before she gets involved in anything, she always asks herself, “What am I getting out of this?”

The question is important, she reasons, because if you’re not getting what you want, then what motivation do you truly have in continuing to pursue this thing? This question can relate to any relationship, business opportunity, volunteer of social activity. I know it sounds crazy and selfish, but hear me out.

My partner taught me that even if the only thing you get from a situation is a good feeling, it has to be something valuable to you.

Everything has a cost and a pay off so know your worth.

 

The Real Reasons We Stay

So with that in mind, let’s be honest. Some people claim that they get into relationships because they just love this other person and can’t live without them.

That might be true, but if we are truly honest most people are in relationships for a combination of the following reasons:

  • She makes you feel good
  • She’s really good in bed
  • Y’all are pretty together
  • You like the attention she gives you
  • She’s your companion/best friend
  • A built in cuddle buddy
  • Someone to split the bills with
  • She makes you feel good
  • Someone to raise children with
  • A status symbol/ being in relationship makes you desirable in the eyes of your community
  • She brings out the best in you
  • You like taking care of her because (you feel powerful, strong, important etc., etc.)

You Get What You Accept

It may seem obvious that when you’re in a bad relationship, you should just leave. But it’s just not that easy. Even though we don’t think we consciously sign up for being treated like crap, far too many of us put up with lovers who:

  • Lie, cheat and manipulate
  • Are financially irresponsible
  • Are unreliable
  • Never apologize
  • Talks to us out of the side of her neck
  • Blames, instead of taking responsibility for her bad behavior
  • Makes us cry

Is that what we truly want? If it’s not and we’re still hanging around, then there is an even deeper reason why we’re choosing to remain in that relationship.

We stay because there is something about that shitty relationship that fills a basic need.

And queen, only you know what that need is. Could it be because you think that you’ll never find someone to “love” you again? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of losing her income? Do you have a lease together and it’s too much of a hassle to untangle it all? Are you comfortable with being unhappy? Do you believe that this is all you deserve? Or do you truly believe that she is the one and that she will change?

Saying yes to any of those questions means you’re staying because you think you need that person’s love, company, money, property, etc.

If these things are what you’re getting from your relationship, then it won’t matter to you if your partner is showing you in many different ways that you are not valuable to her and that you are not a priority because you won’t leave. No judgment here. I’ve been there and done it myself.

I remember being in a relationship where we argued and fought all the time. Most of our arguments stemmed from her being extremely insensitive, which led to me being even more insecure. Even after letting the relationship go, I found myself crying over her. When I got real with myself and dug deep down inside, I discovered that I still wanted the relationship because I was lonely and liked her attention.

I was embarrassed. Here I was this strong, independent black woman who needed this woman’s negative attention to validate me. But it was the ugly truth. Knowing that truth made me understand why this dysfunctional relationship was important to me.

How to Get What You Want

Ladies, it’s really simple, if you are not getting what you want from your relationship, there really is no reason to stay. Celebrating your 20th anniversary is hardly an accomplishment if you spent 19 of those years being disrespected and abused.

Many of us think that because we love someone that we need to stick around and deal with their crap to prove how much we love them. Actually real love is the opposite. If you truly love someone, you demand that they do better and you demand that they treat you better. Treating you well is the price she must pay to be in your life.

 

The relationship you have is the relationship you settle for.

 

If you are not getting something really valuable out of a relationship and you don’t want to leave, then you need to re-negotiate. Have the conversation. Express yourself. Use your words. Stand up for yourself because you, my dear, are worth it.

Queen, your partner doesn’t have all the power. A strong woman doesn’t complain or threaten to leave; a strong woman takes action.

The time you spend stressing over her bullshit is the time you could spend working on other goals, being your own best friend, buying your own property, supporting and taking care of yourself. And when you’re ready, you will demand better or move on. It was hard, but I did it and I know you can too.

Georgette and Shannon: There Are Levels To This Love

black lesbian family photo

 

Shannon and Georgette are dressed up and out on the town.

Shannon and Georgette believe gender loving families are beautiful, worthy and blessed.

This story was updated March 2, 2016.

Nearly four years ago Georgette and Shannon met online. Although they clashed from the very beginning, they couldn’t help but explore the connection they shared. The happy couple, who moved in together the last weekend in February, share their love story below:

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): How did you meet?

Shannon: We met on line. She was rude on our first date. We actually bumped heads from the very beginning, which is what I believe somehow made us become more drawn to each other.

Georgette: We met in August 2012. I saw her profile and was drawn to her, so I reached out and she responded.

BL3: What attracted you to each other?

Georgette: I liked what she wrote in her profile and her sense of style. When we exchanged phone numbers and started communicating over the phone,I enjoyed our conversations and her intelligence. We couldn’t get along though (lol), we would always clash because our strong personalities. We spoke via phone for eight months before we ever met up. We were both dating other people but would always keep in touch often enough to remain in each other’s life.

Shannon: Georgette was very “feisty,” beautiful, and intelligent. Our initial conversations were intriguing, had depth, and allowed us to see the parts of each other’s personality that most don’t get to see for months, if not years.

 

BL3: What do you love about each other?

Shannon: I love how nurturing and protective she can be. She’s also one of the sexiest women I’ve ever met, and she absolutely adores me.

One last thing that other women tend to forget, she loves the woman I am. She understands the aspects of me that aren’t, or are less feminine, but she always treats me like the woman I am.

 

Georgette: What I love about her is her passion, her intelligence, her heart especially towards our daughter, her leadership, dependability, her willingness to grow, her love for family, her sense of style and smell. OMG she is beautiful and sexy!

 

Bl3: Tell us about your first date.

Shannon: She lived in Jacksonville, Fla., and I lived three hours away in St. Petersburg. I went to visit her in Jacksonville, and we went out to dinner at a restaurant. It was an unconventional first date because I would be spending time with her for the entire weekend. She seemed a bit timid at first, but became much more at ease toward the end.

Georgette: Well actually, our first date was at the beach one Saturday morning. It was very calming and relaxing. We held each other’s hands as we took a stroll. I can still remember how I felt that day. I felt like I found home. I have pictures of that scenery. I laid my head on her chest and it was then I knew I was going to fall.

BL3: How long have you been together?

Shannon: While we’ve known each other for a little over three years, we’ve been dating for 1.5 years, and in a committed relationship for nine months. It’s levels to this!

Georgette: April 5, 2016 will make two years since we’ve officially been together.

 

The Gift of Commitment

black lesbian couple black, white and pink

Within months of meeting, Shannon and Georgette knew they would one day marry each other.

BL3: Are you interested in getting married?

Shannon: We are both two people of quality who believe that whatever you put in your relationship is exactly the fruit it bears.

Though we aren’t legally married or officially engaged, we speak infinite love, life, family and everlasting growth into our relationship. About three or four months into dating, we came to terms that we would be married one day. Ultimately, we share the same vision, perception, and beliefs of what we feel marriage, family, and parenting should be.

Georgette: We believing in waiting and making sure things are in order before we take the big step. However, marriage is in the making within a year or two.

BL3: Tell us a little about your family life.

Georgette: We have one daughter. Ever since they have met our daughter claimed her as her mom. After six months she started to call Shannnon mommy and is committed to it! She is protective of her mommy Shanney and thinks highly of her. I love that about my family, we are very close and care deeply for each other. We travel a lot and do a lot together. We love to dress alike or compliment each other’s dress. We love spending time together.

 

black lesbian family purple

Shannon and Georgette believe that whatever you put in your relationship is exactly the fruit it bears!

BL3: What’s the best gift have you gotten from each other?

Georgette: For me it’s the gift of quality time, passion affection and love. The gift of safety and security. Whenever she gives me these gifts I feel unbreakable, alive and as if I’m in heaven.

Shannon: Georgette allowing me to be a part of her daughter’s life. I’ve been given the gift of motherhood and unconditional love. I love my family and pray that the world will grow to understand that same-gender loving families are beautiful, worthy and blessed.

How I Healed After My Long-term Lesbian Relationship Ended

Model looks forward to the future.
Model looks forward to the future.

Letting go and starting over is never all that easy. Model: Tene’A.

Written by Vanessa B.

After falling in love with my best friend from high school, we spent the next 17 and a half years together. We did not live happily ever after. We broke up after I returned from serving in the Army and losing the relationship made me “cray-cray” crazy.

After the breakup, we were going back and forth in our conversations but we were definitely broken up because she started seeing someone three months after our breakup. It was a horrible emotional experience for me. A lot of things from our entire relationship boiled to the surface. The anger, sadness, and disappointment had already become recurring themes.

 

The Near Death Experience

One day, after arguing with Debra over the phone while driving at a high speed on the highway and almost slamming into the back of a Mack truck, I just stopped arguing with her.

After that day I decided I would always be kind when I spoke to her. I survived Iraq and yet while arguing on the cell phone I almost killed myself on the highway.

 

Mending My Broken Heart

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Forgiveness is healing. Model: Jessica Chibueze

I needed to quiet my mind and mend my broken heart. I started to pray, and meditate and, most importantly, I decided I wanted to heal. There was no going around the pain; I knew I had to go through it. I accepted that my long-term relationship was permanently over and I stopped all communication with her.

I had never been a real member of a church before, but I started my healing journey by sitting in the back of a church and crying my eyes out.

Also, I set some very simple goals: I wanted to heal, forgive, and get my butt up out of the bed and out of the house. The biggest help was being out of state and away for home. I decided not to return to my hometown. It was bittersweet, but to this day, it was the best decision I ever made.

What really helped me to forgive was that I looked ahead five years into the future and I knew I didn’t want to still be hurt or angry or harboring any “unforgiveness.” I also knew I needed to forgive myself and stop beating myself up.

I recognized early on in the breakup that anger and heartache were not there to be helpful to me. All the negative emotions I felt were exhausting and preventing me from moving forward. So I apologized to Debra for everything I had done.

I asked her for her forgiveness but I didn’t want or need her to acknowledge it. Just deciding to sincerely and genuinely forgive her and to forgive myself, helped me heal.

It feels a little odd to say this but I truly think I benefitted from her choice to jump into a relationship with someone new, because there was nothing I could do about it. So, it didn’t take me long to forgive because I saw the benefit in it, not for her, but for me.

I asked myself, what do you want? What are you going to do, now? It wasn’t an overnight process, at all. It took a lot of time, but it was a long-lasting type of healing for me.

Many years have passed now what happened in that relationship hasn’t impacted my ability to trust. I had to learn a lesson in order to realize that in relationship there has to be upfront, honest communication. Also, I need to ask questions and not just dive in to anything. I think that lesson also comes with maturity.

 

A Different Kind of Happily Ever After

I want to let all the black lesbians out there know there is no expiration date on the grief and mourning you may feel when your love relationship ends. However, breakups are the best time to do a YOU inventory. Meaning, who are you? What do you want? And what’s next for you? Debra was my first love, but by the time our relationship ended I was wiling to be in love with me. I needed to heal me. I needed to help me. I needed to save myself. And I did. And you can too.

It has been over 10 years since our breakup. I saw her once in person several years ago. Otherwise, it’s been an occasional picture on social media. We talked a few times over the years. It felt somewhat awkward because our lives have gone in completely different directions. She’s still in our hometown and living her life there. I have completed some higher learning goals, and I travel and I’ve lived in a few different places.

I’m very happy in my life. I have genuinely achieved closure in all my past relationships. Not only did I forgive but I also forgot.

I have no regrets. This is my life and there’s no dress rehearsal, it’s the real thing. I believe our past makes us who we are. Every life experience and encounter is three things: (1) A blessing, (2) a lesson, and (3) an opportunity.

I am currently single, but I date and I have a wonderful group of family and friends. I’ve also started to embrace the idea of a poly-amorous relationship because I don’t think you can be everything to one person, but maybe you can be a few good things to a few people. I stay open and receptive to new people coming into my life all the time.

 


 

Vanessa B.Veronica B is an entrepreneur, and a former psychotherapist. She resides in Las Vegas, where she likes to volunteer, hike, travel and write. She is an active member of the Vegas LGBTQ community. She’s currently working on projects involving social psychology, issues of religion, and empowerment for women and girls of color.

She’s The One: Here are 9 Adorable Ways to Ask Her to Be Yours

A kiss on the hand is an adorable way to show you care.

Let her know she’s special to you. Photo courtesy of Grlpage.

Written by Giselle Bella

She’s the one. You know it. You want to ask her to be yours on Valentine’s Day but you are not sure how. I will try to help with that. Whether you just met her three weeks ago or have been married for 13 years, you surely will find these ideas helpful.

Wait! Don’t just call and ask her to be your valentine. Valentine’s Day is all about romance so make it cute, make it memorable, make it romantic but do not go overboard. Save that for later.

Send her a lovely text message that is interactive. Ask her if she will be your Valentine by responding with “yes” or “no.” You make it interactive by putting a smiley face next to YES and a frowning face next to NO. Ask her to reply with the face she chooses. You can even do it with photos of yourself. You can even send her a voice-recorded message to ask her or a video message.

If by now you have her e-mail address, e-cards are still something to remember, especially now that hardly anyone uses them outside of memes.

Ask her while you’re at dinner.

Write her a love note, as you would in grade school. Ask her to be your Valentine and to check the box she wants. The best part is you wait until you are within a group of friends and ask your friends to pass down the note to her.

Lunch box treats. So if you are a couple who live together, this may be adorable. Pack her lunch and in her lunch bag or box put a note, card or letter with the question. To make her response more exciting, ask her to provide her response in the lunch she will pack you the next day. Adroit!

Surprise her in bed. Whether you share the same bed or not, you can get away with this. That is, if you have access to her bed. Leave her a message/note under the covers asking her to be your Valentine. You want her to see it as soon as she pulls the covers back. You may leave a note with a flower or one of her favorite treats. OR if you leave before her in the morning, leave her the note on the pillow next to her.

Send her flowers. Send her flowers at her place of work or at home and in the card, ask her to be your Valentine.

Ask your friends to support you. If you are somewhere social with friends, give them each a paper to hand her. Write, “Will You Be My Valentine?” with each word on pieces of paper and give four to your friends. Have everyone give her a piece of paper at different times then you give her the last piece. Melt her heart. You can do the same thing via text. Have four friends text her in order as to ask the question and you send the final message with the question mark!

If you are super romantic and especially if you’ve been together for some time, then take her to a place that is known and sacred to just you two and ask her.

Remember that even if you are already a couple, do things to keep love going, keep what attracted you to each going.

My wish for you is, that you grateful and graciously embrace the Valentine you’ve been given. Whether she is a mother or sister, a friend or lover, may your Valentine love you without conditions and may you reciprocate that.

My love to you,

Giselle Gia

 


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

Your New Year’s Resolution: Break Up With Your Girlfriend

TheLoveGoddess

Written by Giselle Bella

You’ve gotten to the end of the relationship and you know it. You’ve invested your time, your energy, your love and yourself into this relationship but it has not satisfied your desire. It does not fulfill your purpose. It does not meet your vision. You’ve loved each other as best as you could. You’ve disliked each other for a while but tolerated each other for the sake of the relationship. It is time to move on. It is time to call it quits without the drama of shame and hurt.

Not every relationship lasts and that's okay.

Not every relationship lasts and that’s okay.

How do you do that without further breaking her heart and compromising your boundaries?

Easy, you break up.

You don’t separate, you don’t take time off, you leave. You leave your partner and the relationship you had. You let it all go. You don’t complicate things by running into the arms of another woman, you don’t cause drama by leaving in the middle the night or without a clue.

Here are nine tips to calling quits and leaving the relationship without unresolved issues.

  1. Before you make this final decision, be sure that this is what you want.
  2. Know that you and/or her will feel sadness.
  3. Tell her how you feel and what you want. Refrain from telling her about herself and what she has or has not done. Remember, this is something you want, so explain your decision. Do it without pointing a finger (or two).
  4. Choose your words wisely. Don’t sugar coat anything but don’t be brutal. The fact that you are breaking up is bad enough for her.
  5. Communicate clearly to her that the relationship is over. This is the end. This is complete. Do not talk to her in a way that leaves room for a possible reunion. That means, let her know you are not seeking to be separated but to break up. Don’t tell her you need time and you will see from there. That is a no-no when breaking up. You’ve given this much thought and you are content with ending the relationship. End it there.
  6. Make it direct and short. You don’t need to reminisce about your past, review your current issues and assuage what the outcome will be. Tell her your decision and remain with it.
  7. Be prepared that this may not be what she wants. She may attempt everything to get you to give it another shot. The way you show up and the energy you bring will steer where she may go with it. When you notice she is trying to get you to stay, stop arguing with her, pointing out her behavior and blaming her.
  8. Know that it is not your position to comfort her and validate her feelings. Allow her to deal with her loss without you. You deal with your loss without her. If you console each other, you will only cause confusion.
  9. Set your boundaries and respect them.

Breaking up is never quite easy, but once you’ve given it thought and have come to that end of the road, you must see it through. Just remember that you once loved this person enough to build on a life together. Therefore, treat her as if you once loved her and let her go respectfully. I know you may say, that this does not apply to you because she wouldn’t give you the same courtesy, but keep in mind that cosmic karma is real.

Before things get worse, break things off when you know it is what’s best. Let go of all relationships that do not serve you and begin to love yourself. See what happens from there.


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She has published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

16 Practical Ways to Never Fight With Your Partner Again

TheLoveGoddess

Written by Giselle Bella

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the fourth in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

 

Your Communication Blueprint

In part 1 of our Never Fight With Your Partner Again: A Black Lesbian Blueprint, I talked about how you can transform the way you think about conflict with your partner. In this article, I’ll share some practical examples, which you may find supportive if you and your partner are in the midst of communicating and it leads to an argument:

1. Time out: When you notice things heating up, one of you [if not both of you] calls a time out. Create a signal that works for you when you get in that situation. Then from there, you will continue to discuss how you feel.

2. Grab pen and paper. When your partner says something and you feel the urge to immediately address it, instead of interrupting, write it down. This is to stop you from rudely interjecting with, “Wait a minute…”

3. Set a timer:  If you want to set a time for each to make a point then do so for when you first begin to speak. So, you may want to each start with five (5) minutes. Once you’ve each had your equal time, you will find it easier to take turns speaking.

4. Question: When the situation seems more than you can handle, arrange for a time out signal and immediately say: “question.” As soon as one of you does that, the other person must instantly stop and be ready to answer yes/no questions. The idea is to ask questions that will support you in knowing whether you or she was misheard and misunderstood.

5. Refrain from bringing up past disputes. Treat this disagreement as its own entity.

6. Be wise and sensitive with your choice of words and phrases.

7. When your partner speaks, look her in the face, in the eyes. Refrain from looking away in disinterest and making surly faces.

8. Leave your condemnation outside and listen with an open mind and heart.

9. Leave the scene. If you need to stop talking or need to be left alone for a moment, DO NOT announce that you’re leaving and walk away. Look your partner in the eyes, tell her, you are upset, and need to take some time in order to gather your thoughts. Respect her time if she is the one who says that to you. You display that respect by stating you understand and you do want to finish expressing your discontent or your emotions. It may go something as such, “I understand, but when you are complete with your time, I do want to communicate through our disagreement.”

10. If you do not agree with something she says that is ok. You don’t have to, but be remember that that is how she feels. Therefore, be respectful. If you disagree with a comment or statement, simply say “I disagree…” Refrain from saying things such as, “Uh-uh, no, that’s not what happened, if that’s how you feel, you don’t understand…” The truth is your partner may understand but simply not know how to convey it.

11. Be patient. Do not rush and certainly do not rush her. Allow yourself time to gather your thoughts and allow the same for her. In gathering your thoughts, you will find that you convey what you feel in a more sensible manner and with less aggression.

12. Breathe. Remember to breathe. Next time you are get frustrated, monitor your breaths. You may be surprised to learn that at certain levels and vibrations, we tend to hold our breaths. So take some deep breaths. If your partner makes note of this, tell her that breathing allows you to be in touch with your emotions and not block them. That’s right, when we hold our breaths, we block emotions and become clouded. A lucid mind makes for a healthy processing mind.

13. Love her, love you and love your growth through your rough time. No matter what the situation or the quarrel, show love to each other. After you’ve talked out or settled your row, express your love to each other.
14. Do not go to bed with a heavy or angry heart. Even if you can’t resolve your issues on the spot, agree to continue working toward a resolution at a later date.

15. Be compassionate to your partner and her feelings. Remember, she is not the enemy. This is someone you love and she is learning and growing everyday, just like you!

16. Most importantly, express your gratitude to each to each other for listening and working through it together.
Things happen. Things happen that are out of our control and out of normalcy and these things matter. However, what matters more is how we handle these things. Communicate with love and communicate with truth. Communicate with each other. Then you will notice, not only do you not fight but your disagreements are understood more and you build a fondness, respect and admiration for each other.

 

To fairness in love.
My Love to you,
-Giselle

 


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

Never Fight With Your Partner Again: A Black Lesbian’s Blueprint

TheLoveGoddess

Written by Giselle Bella

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the third in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

 

Every couple has quarrels, disagreements, disputes, clashes, arguments and even fights. What sets a healthy relationship apart from an unhealthy one is, how they fight. Take a moment and think about the word, ‘fight.’ What comes to mind? Immediately you are thinking something negative and probably even something combative. Actually, if you stop using the word, “fight” and replace it with another word, then you may see a different effect. Doesn’t it sound better when a friends asks, “What is the matter?” and you simply reply, “we had a disagreement?” Sounds even better and lightens the mood.

So, yes, I believe you don’t have to fight to be fair. Isn’t that some sort of oxymoron? Fair Fight. If you are fair, you won’t have to fight. I know it sounds simple but difficult to do. Or so it seems. The best way to avoid quarrels and clashes is to understand your partner and most of all, understand you. Here are some tips on how to fight fairly:

Learn what your triggers are in a relationship, any relationship. Be observant and aware of what your partner’s triggers are. Triggers can be anything that cause upset and are different for everyone. If you are able and willing to get into a relationship after knowing what each other’s triggers are, then you must be willing to do the work to avoid hitting those hot buttons. Once you are aware of what triggers you, then it is time to communicate together and put in place plans that will support you if ever and whenever boundaries are crossed.

Ah, yes, boundaries. Have them. Keep them. Respect them. Importantly, respect the boundaries of your partner. Be knowledgeable of what crossing a boundary with her looks like. Once you are familiar with each other and know each other’s dos and don’ts, then you have a lucid comprehension of your boundaries. Therefore, when one of you says, “you’ve crossed the boundary with me.” Stop (both of you) immediately and process that. Be still for a moment and then take your time speaking in turns.

When speaking in turns, make your point and allow her to make hers then respect her point of view. Just because your glass is half-full doesn’t mean it’s not half empty to her. Therefore, comprehend that your differences include your way of viewing things. If you find that this is more rough than easy to do, then put in place a timer system. When you notice that making your point is going nowhere or going somewhere harsh, set a time. You both must agree to this. As your relationship grows you may outgrow the timer. Then you will notice that you actually ‘take the time’ to hear each other out and listen and wait your turn before jumping in. Also, when she becomes aware that you are listening to her, she then begins to pay attention, even to herself.

Pay attention. Pay attention to what she says to you and most importantly pay attention to what you say and what your response is. You will notice that in being still and listening to her rationale, you may be presented with a third point of view and even a common ground. Pay attention to her body language. Did you just say something that made her shut down? How is her body moving and positioned? How did her facial expression change? Paying attention to these things and more, will give you an insight on where the disagreement is going and how to proceed. Shutting down may look like sudden silence, crossed arms, mood change and others alike. It may be something said or done or just the situation, but watch how she interprets the emotions and be aware of your emotions.

Emotions may be falsely interpreted. Therefore, do not get wrapped up in playing volunteer or victim. This means, say what you really mean. Do your best to speak from a place of love rather than fear and anger. You can be honest without being condemnatory and callous. Speak without being fainthearted and coy.

Ask for permission. If you have to convey to your partner how you feel about her and a specific situation, ask for permission to be honest. When you ask for permission, not only is the person allowing you to share your feelings but also they are opening themselves to receive it. When you ask for permission, you become aware that you are sharing honestly, therefore you remember to share from a place of love.

When your partner honestly shares something with you, do your best not to let it to consume you. Remember that this is her interpretation and/or point of view. The more you listen and the more you communicate in turns, the more you will know and figure out if it is something you must work on as a couple or individually. If it requires personal work and not couple work, then allow yourself the time you or your partner needs alone. Do not impose on her if she requests time alone. Once you’ve expressed your emotions, allow her time to process.

You allow her time by letting go and letting love direct you. Don’t be pushy about what you want and don’t want. Refrain from repeating yourself. You definitely will not be heard if you keep saying the same thing over-and-over. As cliché as this may sound, communication is supportive to a healthy relationship. That includes all supportive forms of communication such as talking, writing, body expressions, facial expressions and hand and body gestures. Communicate with love and from the heart. Communicate together rather from wanting to be heard. Communicate honestly.

Choose your words wisely. Refrain from saying, “I am not trying to fight with you.” Replace that with, “I want to communicate how I currently feel/view the situation or what I currently understand.” Instead of, “you make me feel…” use, “I feel…I view…My emotions.” Change phrases such as, “What you said was…” choose, “What I heard you say is…” Do not point the finger, remember that your perception is your interpretation of what happened, not necessarily what happened.

Stay tuned for part 2!

My love to you,
Giselle


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

About Our Love: Phoenyx & Sweetee

Phoenyx and Sweetee were married on March 3, 2011.

Phoenyx and Sweetee were married on March 3, 2011.

“True love is rare and elusive. It’s possible, you must be willing to put in the work. I always knew it existed. This world is so “me first” that it keeps some from finding love.

In this love, we have found flaws, but even greater- found the best in ourselves and each other.

We have sacrificed self at times to strengthen US! We have used every opportunity to give, which makes the reception even sweeter. Our love is one of the few things left in this lifetime that continues to grow, endure, and create. I’m a lifer and I live it! ”

The couple believes that "Marriage works!"

The couple believes that “Marriage works!”

 

About Our Love: Valere & Kimbrel

Kimbrel Jackson and Valere Holder recently celebrated eight years together.

“This is me and the love of my life, Kimbrel Jackson. We have been together for 8 years. I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I fell in love with her, when I first laid my eyes on her in 2007. I knew she was the one for me. I didn’t know if I was her type or not. I admit, I was nervous to say anything to her. Come to find out, she was a good-hearted person. As I got to know her, she was always honest and she doesn’t sugar coat anything. I respect her [to] the fullest.

I don’t see anyone else but her.

I think about her every minute on every hour, when I’m not with her. Our relationship is very strong. She is going to be my wife soon. I love you Kimbrel Jackson Holder! You are my soulmate. Thank you for all the love that you have given me. You are appreciated.  March 30, 2007 is a moment I wouldn’t ever forget … the day we went from friends to lovers.”