Written by Giselle Bella
You’ve gotten to the end of the relationship and you know it. You’ve invested your time, your energy, your love and yourself into this relationship but it has not satisfied your desire. It does not fulfill your purpose. It does not meet your vision. You’ve loved each other as best as you could. You’ve disliked each other for a while but tolerated each other for the sake of the relationship. It is time to move on. It is time to call it quits without the drama of shame and hurt.
How do you do that without further breaking her heart and compromising your boundaries?
Easy, you break up.
You don’t separate, you don’t take time off, you leave. You leave your partner and the relationship you had. You let it all go. You don’t complicate things by running into the arms of another woman, you don’t cause drama by leaving in the middle the night or without a clue.
Here are nine tips to calling quits and leaving the relationship without unresolved issues.
- Before you make this final decision, be sure that this is what you want.
- Know that you and/or her will feel sadness.
- Tell her how you feel and what you want. Refrain from telling her about herself and what she has or has not done. Remember, this is something you want, so explain your decision. Do it without pointing a finger (or two).
- Choose your words wisely. Don’t sugar coat anything but don’t be brutal. The fact that you are breaking up is bad enough for her.
- Communicate clearly to her that the relationship is over. This is the end. This is complete. Do not talk to her in a way that leaves room for a possible reunion. That means, let her know you are not seeking to be separated but to break up. Don’t tell her you need time and you will see from there. That is a no-no when breaking up. You’ve given this much thought and you are content with ending the relationship. End it there.
- Make it direct and short. You don’t need to reminisce about your past, review your current issues and assuage what the outcome will be. Tell her your decision and remain with it.
- Be prepared that this may not be what she wants. She may attempt everything to get you to give it another shot. The way you show up and the energy you bring will steer where she may go with it. When you notice she is trying to get you to stay, stop arguing with her, pointing out her behavior and blaming her.
- Know that it is not your position to comfort her and validate her feelings. Allow her to deal with her loss without you. You deal with your loss without her. If you console each other, you will only cause confusion.
- Set your boundaries and respect them.
Breaking up is never quite easy, but once you’ve given it thought and have come to that end of the road, you must see it through. Just remember that you once loved this person enough to build on a life together. Therefore, treat her as if you once loved her and let her go respectfully. I know you may say, that this does not apply to you because she wouldn’t give you the same courtesy, but keep in mind that cosmic karma is real.
Before things get worse, break things off when you know it is what’s best. Let go of all relationships that do not serve you and begin to love yourself. See what happens from there.
Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She has published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss.