Your New Year’s Resolution: Break Up With Your Girlfriend

TheLoveGoddess

Written by Giselle Bella

You’ve gotten to the end of the relationship and you know it. You’ve invested your time, your energy, your love and yourself into this relationship but it has not satisfied your desire. It does not fulfill your purpose. It does not meet your vision. You’ve loved each other as best as you could. You’ve disliked each other for a while but tolerated each other for the sake of the relationship. It is time to move on. It is time to call it quits without the drama of shame and hurt.

Not every relationship lasts and that's okay.

Not every relationship lasts and that’s okay.

How do you do that without further breaking her heart and compromising your boundaries?

Easy, you break up.

You don’t separate, you don’t take time off, you leave. You leave your partner and the relationship you had. You let it all go. You don’t complicate things by running into the arms of another woman, you don’t cause drama by leaving in the middle the night or without a clue.

Here are nine tips to calling quits and leaving the relationship without unresolved issues.

  1. Before you make this final decision, be sure that this is what you want.
  2. Know that you and/or her will feel sadness.
  3. Tell her how you feel and what you want. Refrain from telling her about herself and what she has or has not done. Remember, this is something you want, so explain your decision. Do it without pointing a finger (or two).
  4. Choose your words wisely. Don’t sugar coat anything but don’t be brutal. The fact that you are breaking up is bad enough for her.
  5. Communicate clearly to her that the relationship is over. This is the end. This is complete. Do not talk to her in a way that leaves room for a possible reunion. That means, let her know you are not seeking to be separated but to break up. Don’t tell her you need time and you will see from there. That is a no-no when breaking up. You’ve given this much thought and you are content with ending the relationship. End it there.
  6. Make it direct and short. You don’t need to reminisce about your past, review your current issues and assuage what the outcome will be. Tell her your decision and remain with it.
  7. Be prepared that this may not be what she wants. She may attempt everything to get you to give it another shot. The way you show up and the energy you bring will steer where she may go with it. When you notice she is trying to get you to stay, stop arguing with her, pointing out her behavior and blaming her.
  8. Know that it is not your position to comfort her and validate her feelings. Allow her to deal with her loss without you. You deal with your loss without her. If you console each other, you will only cause confusion.
  9. Set your boundaries and respect them.

Breaking up is never quite easy, but once you’ve given it thought and have come to that end of the road, you must see it through. Just remember that you once loved this person enough to build on a life together. Therefore, treat her as if you once loved her and let her go respectfully. I know you may say, that this does not apply to you because she wouldn’t give you the same courtesy, but keep in mind that cosmic karma is real.

Before things get worse, break things off when you know it is what’s best. Let go of all relationships that do not serve you and begin to love yourself. See what happens from there.


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She has published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

16 Practical Ways to Never Fight With Your Partner Again

TheLoveGoddess

Written by Giselle Bella

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the fourth in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

 

Your Communication Blueprint

In part 1 of our Never Fight With Your Partner Again: A Black Lesbian Blueprint, I talked about how you can transform the way you think about conflict with your partner. In this article, I’ll share some practical examples, which you may find supportive if you and your partner are in the midst of communicating and it leads to an argument:

1. Time out: When you notice things heating up, one of you [if not both of you] calls a time out. Create a signal that works for you when you get in that situation. Then from there, you will continue to discuss how you feel.

2. Grab pen and paper. When your partner says something and you feel the urge to immediately address it, instead of interrupting, write it down. This is to stop you from rudely interjecting with, “Wait a minute…”

3. Set a timer:  If you want to set a time for each to make a point then do so for when you first begin to speak. So, you may want to each start with five (5) minutes. Once you’ve each had your equal time, you will find it easier to take turns speaking.

4. Question: When the situation seems more than you can handle, arrange for a time out signal and immediately say: “question.” As soon as one of you does that, the other person must instantly stop and be ready to answer yes/no questions. The idea is to ask questions that will support you in knowing whether you or she was misheard and misunderstood.

5. Refrain from bringing up past disputes. Treat this disagreement as its own entity.

6. Be wise and sensitive with your choice of words and phrases.

7. When your partner speaks, look her in the face, in the eyes. Refrain from looking away in disinterest and making surly faces.

8. Leave your condemnation outside and listen with an open mind and heart.

9. Leave the scene. If you need to stop talking or need to be left alone for a moment, DO NOT announce that you’re leaving and walk away. Look your partner in the eyes, tell her, you are upset, and need to take some time in order to gather your thoughts. Respect her time if she is the one who says that to you. You display that respect by stating you understand and you do want to finish expressing your discontent or your emotions. It may go something as such, “I understand, but when you are complete with your time, I do want to communicate through our disagreement.”

10. If you do not agree with something she says that is ok. You don’t have to, but be remember that that is how she feels. Therefore, be respectful. If you disagree with a comment or statement, simply say “I disagree…” Refrain from saying things such as, “Uh-uh, no, that’s not what happened, if that’s how you feel, you don’t understand…” The truth is your partner may understand but simply not know how to convey it.

11. Be patient. Do not rush and certainly do not rush her. Allow yourself time to gather your thoughts and allow the same for her. In gathering your thoughts, you will find that you convey what you feel in a more sensible manner and with less aggression.

12. Breathe. Remember to breathe. Next time you are get frustrated, monitor your breaths. You may be surprised to learn that at certain levels and vibrations, we tend to hold our breaths. So take some deep breaths. If your partner makes note of this, tell her that breathing allows you to be in touch with your emotions and not block them. That’s right, when we hold our breaths, we block emotions and become clouded. A lucid mind makes for a healthy processing mind.

13. Love her, love you and love your growth through your rough time. No matter what the situation or the quarrel, show love to each other. After you’ve talked out or settled your row, express your love to each other.
14. Do not go to bed with a heavy or angry heart. Even if you can’t resolve your issues on the spot, agree to continue working toward a resolution at a later date.

15. Be compassionate to your partner and her feelings. Remember, she is not the enemy. This is someone you love and she is learning and growing everyday, just like you!

16. Most importantly, express your gratitude to each to each other for listening and working through it together.
Things happen. Things happen that are out of our control and out of normalcy and these things matter. However, what matters more is how we handle these things. Communicate with love and communicate with truth. Communicate with each other. Then you will notice, not only do you not fight but your disagreements are understood more and you build a fondness, respect and admiration for each other.

 

To fairness in love.
My Love to you,
-Giselle

 


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

Never Fight With Your Partner Again: A Black Lesbian’s Blueprint

TheLoveGoddess

Written by Giselle Bella

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the third in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

 

Every couple has quarrels, disagreements, disputes, clashes, arguments and even fights. What sets a healthy relationship apart from an unhealthy one is, how they fight. Take a moment and think about the word, ‘fight.’ What comes to mind? Immediately you are thinking something negative and probably even something combative. Actually, if you stop using the word, “fight” and replace it with another word, then you may see a different effect. Doesn’t it sound better when a friends asks, “What is the matter?” and you simply reply, “we had a disagreement?” Sounds even better and lightens the mood.

So, yes, I believe you don’t have to fight to be fair. Isn’t that some sort of oxymoron? Fair Fight. If you are fair, you won’t have to fight. I know it sounds simple but difficult to do. Or so it seems. The best way to avoid quarrels and clashes is to understand your partner and most of all, understand you. Here are some tips on how to fight fairly:

Learn what your triggers are in a relationship, any relationship. Be observant and aware of what your partner’s triggers are. Triggers can be anything that cause upset and are different for everyone. If you are able and willing to get into a relationship after knowing what each other’s triggers are, then you must be willing to do the work to avoid hitting those hot buttons. Once you are aware of what triggers you, then it is time to communicate together and put in place plans that will support you if ever and whenever boundaries are crossed.

Ah, yes, boundaries. Have them. Keep them. Respect them. Importantly, respect the boundaries of your partner. Be knowledgeable of what crossing a boundary with her looks like. Once you are familiar with each other and know each other’s dos and don’ts, then you have a lucid comprehension of your boundaries. Therefore, when one of you says, “you’ve crossed the boundary with me.” Stop (both of you) immediately and process that. Be still for a moment and then take your time speaking in turns.

When speaking in turns, make your point and allow her to make hers then respect her point of view. Just because your glass is half-full doesn’t mean it’s not half empty to her. Therefore, comprehend that your differences include your way of viewing things. If you find that this is more rough than easy to do, then put in place a timer system. When you notice that making your point is going nowhere or going somewhere harsh, set a time. You both must agree to this. As your relationship grows you may outgrow the timer. Then you will notice that you actually ‘take the time’ to hear each other out and listen and wait your turn before jumping in. Also, when she becomes aware that you are listening to her, she then begins to pay attention, even to herself.

Pay attention. Pay attention to what she says to you and most importantly pay attention to what you say and what your response is. You will notice that in being still and listening to her rationale, you may be presented with a third point of view and even a common ground. Pay attention to her body language. Did you just say something that made her shut down? How is her body moving and positioned? How did her facial expression change? Paying attention to these things and more, will give you an insight on where the disagreement is going and how to proceed. Shutting down may look like sudden silence, crossed arms, mood change and others alike. It may be something said or done or just the situation, but watch how she interprets the emotions and be aware of your emotions.

Emotions may be falsely interpreted. Therefore, do not get wrapped up in playing volunteer or victim. This means, say what you really mean. Do your best to speak from a place of love rather than fear and anger. You can be honest without being condemnatory and callous. Speak without being fainthearted and coy.

Ask for permission. If you have to convey to your partner how you feel about her and a specific situation, ask for permission to be honest. When you ask for permission, not only is the person allowing you to share your feelings but also they are opening themselves to receive it. When you ask for permission, you become aware that you are sharing honestly, therefore you remember to share from a place of love.

When your partner honestly shares something with you, do your best not to let it to consume you. Remember that this is her interpretation and/or point of view. The more you listen and the more you communicate in turns, the more you will know and figure out if it is something you must work on as a couple or individually. If it requires personal work and not couple work, then allow yourself the time you or your partner needs alone. Do not impose on her if she requests time alone. Once you’ve expressed your emotions, allow her time to process.

You allow her time by letting go and letting love direct you. Don’t be pushy about what you want and don’t want. Refrain from repeating yourself. You definitely will not be heard if you keep saying the same thing over-and-over. As cliché as this may sound, communication is supportive to a healthy relationship. That includes all supportive forms of communication such as talking, writing, body expressions, facial expressions and hand and body gestures. Communicate with love and from the heart. Communicate together rather from wanting to be heard. Communicate honestly.

Choose your words wisely. Refrain from saying, “I am not trying to fight with you.” Replace that with, “I want to communicate how I currently feel/view the situation or what I currently understand.” Instead of, “you make me feel…” use, “I feel…I view…My emotions.” Change phrases such as, “What you said was…” choose, “What I heard you say is…” Do not point the finger, remember that your perception is your interpretation of what happened, not necessarily what happened.

Stay tuned for part 2!

My love to you,
Giselle


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

11 Toxic Communication Habits That Black Lesbians Should Dump Now

Written by Zamara Perri

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the second in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

Toxic communication habits can put your relationship in danger. Photo courtesy of MadameNoire

Toxic communication habits can put your relationship in danger. Photo courtesy of MadameNoire

I once broke up with a woman who was smart, attractive, hardworking and a homeowner. Why? She told me my reason for doing something was “stupid.” It may sound drastic, but I recommend that you break up with anyone who talks to you in a demeaning way, because it’s only going to get worse.

With this particular ex, this wasn’t the first time that she spoke to me this way. She had plenty of practice because I let her and because I didn’t know any better. I say I didn’t know any better because whenever she said something nasty, I fired right back with my own nasty comments. One day I just got real tired of feeling shitty about our relationship and I was done.

Looking back, I realize that people do what they know and say what they know. And if you never call them out on their bad behavior, how can you expect them to change? Good and bad habits are learned. That also means they can be unlearned.

If you think that the way you talk to your sweetheart needs some work, then you may be right. Pay attention to the things that you think may not be a big deal because every word has consequences. You don’t have to be angry and shouting at each other for you to have an obvious communication problem. All it takes is honest self-evaluation and conversation.

If you want to make your relationship stronger, keep an eye out for the following toxic conversation habits and get rid of them, pronto:

 

  1. Not apologizing. It can be really hard to admit that you’re wrong, but do it anyway. Practice doing it and you’ll get better at it. When you apologize, you are acknowledging your role in whatever breakdown you both had. It means that you are listening to her and want to improve your relationship. When you don’t apologize, you are telling her that you don’t care that your words or actions caused her harm.
  1. Criticism. How often do you tell her that she didn’t do a good job cooking a meal or dressing to your specifications? Sometimes we don’t even realize the things that you think of as helpful are actually hurtful. It’s not that you can’t give her suggestions for improvement, but think twice about the message that you’re sending. When you criticize her, you’re telling her that she’s not good enough.

If she asks for your opinion on something that’s one thing, but volunteering information that is hurtful, not helpful is another. Instead of criticizing her, think of all the things you sincerely love and appreciate about her and share one of those thoughts. Also, if you consistently practice speaking to her with kindness, it won’t hurt so much when you have something less than pleasant to share with her.

 

Have a Grown-Woman Relationship With Mindful Communication

Written by Zamara Perri 

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the first in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

 

The healthy black lesbian relationship involves lots of mindful communication.

The healthy black lesbian relationship involves lots of mindful communication.

 

A couple nights ago before I went to bed, my honey and I exchanged some heated words. I said something smart to her and she was not having it. Instead of falling asleep in each other’s arms like we usually do, we slept on opposite sides of the bed.

Yesterday morning I woke her up with kisses. She made me breakfast and drove me to the train station. But she was still mad and no amount of sweet kisses was going to make her forget that we hadn’t addressed the issue.

The issue is that when it comes to communication, I’m a work in progress. I admit that a recurring relationship challenge I have is diarrhea of the mouth. I’m admittedly a smart ass. I’m that chick that always got something to say. I think I’m funny or think what I say is not a big deal, but my partner doesn’t often agree. This can lead to upset.

 

When I’m upset with anyone, my communication style is to get angry, withdraw and give the other person the silent treatment. For my honey, when she gets angry, she yells.

 

I realized really early on in our relationship that the way we related when we got angry, was NOT a recipe for long lasting love. In fact it was a recipe for building resentment.

 

So, we made a commitment to improve the way we speak to each other. We also had to improve the way we ended our fights. To know me is to know that little fights become the setting for days of pouting, arguing and acrimony. But now instead of pouting, I take a time out, put on my big girl panties and work with my partner to squash the issue instead of letting it fester into World War III. That old strategy of pouting for days only ended up creating distance, which impacted our intimacy and created cracks in the foundation of the relationship I said I wanted.

So when I got home from work, we sat down and talked. She told me that when I spoke to her a certain way, she felt disrespected and unloved. And instead of being too proud to admit I was wrong, I apologized and promised to do better. She forgave me but also admitted that she was still pissed.

 

Mindful Communication 101: Speak With Kindness

This relationship is one in which I plan to practice mindful communication, which means purposefully speaking to my partner with kindness and love. As someone who is uber sensitive (as most smart asses are), I don’t want her saying something mean or nasty to me, so why should I do that to her? Even if it’s supposed to be funny or meant to be harmless, there’s nothing funny about hurting the one you love.

 

It recently occurred to me that we are actually happy. It has been a long time since either of us had simply been happy in a relationship that has low-drama. This is definitely unusual to me.

I know the reason  I’m happy is because I’ve decided that I want a grown-woman relationship.

And the key to that is being mindful about the way I spoke to the woman I love.

 

I’m learning as I go along and plan to share the communication tips I’ve learned over the next few weeks. I’d love your feedback! Please comment below with tips on what works for you and your love.