How to Make Her Fall for the Real You

Written by Miss Kitty

Show her the real you that's worth falling for. Photo:

Show her the real you that’s worth falling for. Photo:

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the sixth in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.


Do you find yourself feeling extra sensitive with women, or maybe one specific woman you’re involved with? Yet somehow with other women you feel relaxed, easy-going, confident and happy in your own self? A lot of women feel “off-balance” when a woman they are attracted to is around, and often times they find themselves not acting the way they really wish they could.
Insecurities really have a way of showing up when you least expect them to. It doesn’t have to be that way. Wouldn’t it be great if you could be as much “yourself” with any woman as you are with your friends? Or with a woman you don’t have feelings for?

Women Don’t Like Bitches
Here’s something that can help you stay “in balance” no matter what’s going on around you. It’s easy to get extra sensitive when your picture of things gets small.
It can make you feel like you have to balance two extremes. We’ve seen just how easy it is to be labeled as either a “doormat” or a “bitch.” And we have this idea that women just seem to like those “bitches!”

The truth is, women don’t really like “bitches,” they like women who are real.

So let’s see how you can find a way to blend these two extremes into your life so that you can embrace both your natural, appealing “softness” and your “bitchiness” and still find a sense of peace, calm, strength and emotional softness somewhere in the middle.

What to Say When You Want More From Her
Let’s say you want something from the woman you’re currently seeing. Something like more affection, time or attention, but she’s acting distant and preoccupied.

Let’s say you’re feeling angry and aggravated, and scared that something’s going wrong in the relationship. Are you feeling that if you don’t speak up and ask for what you want you’re “too soft,” and if you do speak up and ask for what you want you’ll end up a “bitch”?

So, this is the first thing you can do:

Make fast, lasting and final peace with yourself that whatever you do or say, you will be okay with yourself, forgive yourself, and learn from the experience.

What this does is sets you up to succeed, and will help you with the fear.
Now we’re going to do a translation kind of “scripting” that will help you to feel stronger and more confident:

  1. Have a pen and notebook ready. Draw a line down the middle from top to bottom.
    2. Breathe deeply into your stomach area. Let go of all your muscles in your stomach and pelvis. Try to relax.
    3. On the paper, on the left side of the middle line, write down what you WANT to say to a woman. Take as many pieces of paper as you need, but stick to the left side of the paper.
    4. Now, look for criticism. Take a look at what you’ve written. I want you to
    catch yourself criticizing or judging yourself about every line, and catch whatever feeling each line brings up in you— anger, frustration, fear, a smile, whatever.
    5. Now really go for it. Some of what you’ve written will seem soft and doormat-like to you, and some of it will seem dramatic and bitchy to you. That’s good. Let it be “emotional.” If you want to attack, attack. If you want to “whine,” whine. Write down what you want to say about how you feel about each line you’ve already written! Notice if you’ve tried to be “logical.” If what you’ve written seems very “mind over heart-like” or there’s a lot of “explaining” or “convincing” or “telling” in there, really open up. Continue writing until you feel like you’ve said everything you really want to say.
    6. Translate. You’re going to take the criticism, the attack, the pain, the complaint, the explanations, and you’re going to translate them into “feeling” messages that will make up the “script” you’ll “deliver” to your special woman.

The simple act of writing this down will make it clear to you how you think, and how you normally, instinctively express yourself. And you’ll immediately see exactly why that isn’t working for you! As you actually speak the words of the script you’ve created from the “feeling” messages you’ve written on the right side of your paper, you’ll see right away exactly why and how my method really works!



MIss Kitty

Miss Kitty, a Miami, Fla. native, is a published author, poet and alternative healer. She is the author of the first queer pin up publication “Bombshells And Boi’s”. She writes from the perspective of a retro, old school femme. Visit her online bookstore today and explore her world of lesbian love, dating and marriage.


LaShay & Bakari Marry in a Baltimore Park

LaShay and Bakari Jones jump the broom in St. Mary's Park in Baltimore. Photo by Renee Hollingshead

LaShay and Bakari Jones jump the broom in St. Mary’s Park in Baltimore. Photo by Renee Hollingshead

Lashay Harvey and Bakari Jones recently celebrated their wedding in the same place they got engaged–St. Mary’s Park in Baltimore. They chose a summer celebration because  wanted their “future summers to be filled with celebrations” (LaShay’s birthday is in June and Bakari’s is in August). They shared their love story and wedding photos with Elixher

ELIXHER: How would you describe your special day?

BAKARI: I decided that I wanted to feel like a prince the entire day so I’d describe it as “princely.” [Laughs.] Seriously, the day was completely covered in Black Magic; it unfolded like a flower. Plus, it rained that morning (good luck in our culture) so it was as if our ancestors had given us the “cherry on top” before the sundae. 

ELIXHER: What’s been the best part of being married so far?

LASHAY: There is something so magical about looking at your best friend every morning, and knowing that you are about to build a wonderful life together. Bakari and I started building something in our past lives so it feels amazing to start manifesting our dreams together now. Hearing folks call us “The Joneses” doesn’t hurt either! 

Click here to read more about this lovely couple’s Love Jones Meets the Lion King wedding day


Bakari and LaShay exchange kisses at Penn Station in Baltimore. Renee Hollingshead

Bakari and LaShay exchange kisses at Penn Station in Baltimore. Photo by Renee Hollingshead

A Big Wedding Wasn’t Necessary for These Lovebirds

Marlena and Lakeisha hold hands during their wedding ceremony.

Marlena and Lakeisha hold hands during their wedding ceremony.

I first noticed Marlena and Lakeisha as they walked down the streets at Baltimore pride earlier this summer hand in hand. They both wore “Just Married” T-shirts and “Mrs.” hats. The couple, who live in Baltimore, graciously agreed to share their love story below:

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): How did you first meet?

Marlena: We met at our previous job. I approached Lakeshia at work with a work-related matter and then started a conversation with her and discovered she was single.

BL3: What attracted you to each other?

Lakeshia: Her coy smile, beauty and girlish charm [are] what attracted me to my wife.

Marlena: Her beautiful smile, eyes, lips personality and the fact that she carries herself so gracefully as if she’s attending a $5,000-a-plate charity event with millionaires.

BL3: When did you first know it was love?

Lakeshia: I first knew I was in love with Marlena our second night together when she held me in her arms.

Marlena: I first knew that I was in love with Lakeshia when I literally first laid my eyes on her, and after spending the first night with her just confirmed those feelings. I said I love you first.

BL3: What do you love about each other?

Lakeshia: I love her femininity.

Marlena: I love her femininity, affection, smile, her kiss. I could go on and on …

Marlena and Lakeisha show off their wedding bling.

Marlena and Lakeisha show off their wedding bling.

BL3: Tell us about the wedding.

Lakeshia: We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years. We got married on February 18, 2014.

Marlena: The most memorable part of our ceremony is the actual ceremony. From the moment we woke up all the way up until the moment when we said, “I do.” We kept the something old, something new something borrowed and something blue wedding tradition. We got married at the courthouse in Baltimore County. We knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We didn’t want a big wedding we were ready to take the next step.