Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: My Partner’s “Wife” Doesn’t Even Want Her

Lesbian catches girlfriend cheating so she grabs a gun.

Is emotional cheating the same as physical cheating? Photo by Q. Oliver.

Dear Lesbian Love and Advice: Can I get some advice? My stud says she loves me, but she says she thinks someone else may be her soul mate. She has referred to this other woman as her “wife.” However, this other woman won’t even talk to her! I feel like she’s only with me for now, but if the other woman were to suddenly show up and declare her love for stud, my stud would leave me in a New York minute. I’m torn, heartbroken and weary of it all.


Elysa’s Advice: You have to stop referring to her as “yours.” She is not, nor has she ever been yours. Settling for someone’s leftover emotions is ridiculous. If you knew all of this but decided to stay anyway, it is not “your” stud’s fault that you are torn, heartbroken and weary. Find someone who is really yours.


Gibson’s Advice: Hold up! Time out! You’re not looking out for red flags! That’s one right there. You can get over hurt, but you can neva get back wasted time! Go hunny! It’s only February. Why keep going into the new year with something wrong when you can make it right? From the words of the song in Frozen, “Let it go! Let it go!”


Raquel’s Advice: Look at your instincts, look at what your body is telling you. You are torn, heartbroken and weary. You KNOW that she is into someone else, so the ball is in your court. What are you going to do about it? Stay and further invest in this relationship, where she might leave? Or put God first and love yourself, and maybe realize that this relationship will never be fully be what you want it to be? Protect your heart. You have a decision to make.


Venessa’s Advice: I’m really not sure where the confusion is. If she isn’t joking, why be with someone that doesn’t value you enough? Why would you be with someone that thinks of you that way? Settling for what you can get is a little ridiculous. Why would people rather be in a relationship where they’re second guessing themselves? Learn to love yourself single then you’ll find someone worth your time.

Dear Lesbian Love and Advice  shares the most interesting questions and advice from The questions and responses have been reprinted with permission.

Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: I Need to Come Before My Woman’s Kids

black woman thinking

Every woman has a set of dating deal breakers. Know yours before getting involved with a woman and her children. Photo courtesy of Naked by Bria.

Dear Lesbian Love and Advice: I have tried several times to date mothers and it just hasn’t worked out for me. I have no kids so it’s hard for me because I’m used to not having to think about someone who depends on an adult. Being childless, I am selfish, at least that is what I am told. But why be angry with me because that is what I’m used to? I don’t like being last in my partner’s life.

I feel that if you invite someone to become a part of your life as your partner, be prepared to put that person and that relationship FIRST. Stop making that person wait on you while you’re busy doing 130 other things, including kids. I understand mothers have responsibilities to their kids and they must be taken care of. But I also feel it’s wrong to invite someone into your life and put them LAST. What was the point?

If you put me last, I will act out against you and your child. In my opinion, don’t bother getting in a relationship if you are really expecting that person to accept being last on your priority list because it makes no sense.

Dee’s Advice: I am a 49-year-old stud with no kids. Kids always come first. She just has to be more organized with her time. Why don’t you help her with some of her chores so she has less to do? I didn’t hear you say that you did that! I have dated a few women with kids and it was fun! I kept Friday nights as adult night and the other six days you do what needs to be done and have family time! It’s a lot of fun for me. I miss it sometimes.

The kids are all grown up and on their own now and it feels good to know that they love me and still keep in touch with me. And their memories are incredible. They remember everything I have done for them. So there is good in a family life. But as for you, don’t be in that family life. From what I am reading you are selfish and you can’t be that way when there are kids involved!

Johari’s Advice: I swear this had to be written by my ex!! I had no idea that there could be someone else in this world just as incredibly selfish and clueless! Our relationship is over and guess what? I AM STILL A MOTHER!

Monique’s Advice: I feel for you! My girlfriend has two teenagers. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I already invested 10 years with her, I would never do this again.

Regina’s Advice: I think it’s about time management. Some don’t know how. Some think spending time with their partner is taking away time from their kids. I don’t get that way of thinking. You have to make just as much time with your partner if you want the relationship to actually work.

Tomiko’s Advice: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years. I don’t have any kids; she has three. I never expect/expected to be put before her kids. Hell, I think about making sure they’re good before myself. I would never put my girl in that position. She wouldn’t go for it anyway.

I knew what I was getting into when we got together. I can’t love or want to be with her and not love and want to be with her kids. Those are my kids now. Their father is active and a big part of their lives, which in no way has an effect on my relationship with her. By all means do what you want.

But mothers deserve to be in loving relationships too without having to choose between her mate and kids.


Dear Lesbian Love and Advice  shares the most interesting questions and advice from The questions and responses have been reprinted with permission.

Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: My Dom Wants the Weekends Off

It's okay to take time a part from your partner but is two days too much? Model: Tre Danielles; Photo by Lindsay Elliott

It’s okay to take time a part from your partner but is two days too much?
Model: Tre Danielles; Photo by Lindsay Elliott

Dear Lesbian Love and Advice: I’m a femme and my girl is a stud. We live together and are best friends. For some reason we argue a lot and we think it’s because we are always together. About a week ago, we had a big argument that caused me to leave our home. She slept out as well.


About four days after the argument, we ended up back together, and the sex, love, conversations, emotional and physical vibes was there. Today she says to me, “I think we should spend two days a week apart, because I need space.”

Now I’m the type of person that love attention from my girlfriend. I do not see shit wrong with that. But, she on the other hand needs space.

We LIVE TOGETHER why would I want to spend days apart from her if I love and care about her? How am I supposed to marry her and have a family with her if she can’t even be with me for a whole week?

Once she said that, I had an attitude. She said she thinks I’m giving up on us, but I’m not; I’m trying to compromise, but I think that’s crazy as hell. Can we work this out? I need advice, please


JL’s Advice: I’ve been there before. From my own situation, it may have nothing to do with you, she just wants some time apart because being together 100 percent of the time does get a bit old. My lady and I have a big house, and we spend time apart in the house doing our own thing. Our work is our time away as well because we’re on different schedules. We don’t watch the same shows and barely have much in common, but we still work well together. Maybe you need a date night or just a day or two away. Hope this helps.


Demi’s Advice: Married people don’t take days off or sleep somewhere outside of their home. This woman isn’t for you, period. She is too selfish to be in a relationship. What is she going to do if you two get married and have kids? Is she going to take time off from the kids as well?

Some women are simply too stupid to be in a relationship with. I think the truth is you are not the one she desires to be in a marriage with. It shouldn’t be this hard to live with the person you love.

‪This is an example of the hole lesbians trap themselves in with the “I treat my mate like I would treat my bff” crap. You should always behave better for your mate. You should never water down the standards so low that you both think “anything goes and anything can be said or done.”

You need to always speak and respond to your mate in a special way because she’s not a friend, sibling, or cousin. Don’t make the mistake of being too cool with each other. There are lines there for a REASON. For example: You don’t always have to be polite to your sister and she will still love you. You can’t do that in a relationship. In a relationship, you always have to be polite or the person may drop you for a woman who has better manners than you. In others words, never get too comfortable to think a mate will always put up with all of your crap.

Yve’s Advice: It is fine to have space. It’s just the style of space needed should fit your situation. Maybe two days is a bit much. Maybe take a Sunday fun day separately? But lay out the criteria you both need:

“Is it ok for me to text you to let you know I care?”

“If we are apart, don’t make plans for us to meet up because I’ll look forward to it and if you change your mind it would hurt my feelings.”

“Are you going to be staying at someone’s house or are we going to be doing our separate things and coming home together at the same time?”

These questions are critical so confusion and uneasiness doesn’t happen later.


Dear Lesbian Love and Advice  shares the most interesting questions and advice from The questions and responses have been reprinted with permission.

Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: My Girl’s Homophobic Family Uninvited Me to Thanksgiving Dinner

Should you choose between your partner and your family during the holidays?

The holidays can be so difficult for gay people who want to spent time with their families AND their partners.

Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: My girlfriend and I have been together over a year and decided it was time that I meet her family. She met mine this past July. So, we made plans to go to make that happen this Thanksgiving. Two hours before we were supposed to leave, she gets a phone call from her mother saying it wasn’t a good idea and that “people” would be uncomfortable.

She was told that we could still come to Cleveland but she would have to leave me at the hotel when she came for dinner. Needless to say, she was crushed, hurt, pissed, confused.

It’s easy to say they have to accept or we just move on in life without them, but that’s her family. They have been there for her always.

I have no idea what to do from here. My family and their views are very different. I come from a very accepting and open-minded family and they welcomed her and I with open arms. How to do navigate this situation?


Aryka’s Advice: Go to Cleveland! Enjoy your trip. She can go have dinner with them, let them know how she feels if and then come back to the hotel with you. It’s not what was planned or what you want but stuff happens, and we can’t control other people.

Just make the best of the situation. Her being angry at them or refusing to see them isn’t going to do anything but make it harder for them to eventually accept you, and eventually they will. If they see she loves you and that you are happy, they’ll soon want to meet the person helping brighten up her life.


Dani’s Advice: Rebel standpoint: F**k their comfort level. They’re only worried about the image it will portray about their family– their daughter’s gay. They need to deal with it.

Don’t let them control your relationship, it’s like being in the closet. I would go and eat four plates. I’m sure you’ve come to far to be silenced.


Nia’s Advice: I would be highly upset if I were left behind in the hotel room while my partner went to spend Thanksgiving with her family. I would not even travel to their town.


Dear Lesbian Love and Advice  shares the most interesting questions and advice from The questions and responses have been reprinted with permission.

Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: I’m Too Grown for Scrubs

No scrubs.

I’m I asking for too much by wanting a woman on my level?

Dear Lesbian Love and Advice:

I’m in my mid 30s. I’m grown, make good money, established and confident. I recently realized that I want my partner to bring as much as I do to the table or I’m not happy. I’m talking $45,000 a year plus, responsible (pay her bills first), caring about her partner’s feelings/wants/needs, sacrifices and compromises, amazing sex and makes me feel like a Queen. I have no issues making her feel like my King. Is it wrong of me to expect so much from my partner?~No Scrubs


Andrea’s Advice: No but the financial part always kills me. No two people are equal. You my friend will never be happy. What happens when she starts making more than you and you’re all “I’m love” and she makes YOU kick rocks? Love someone for them. They can be independent and still pay their bills.

If my wife was like that when my cancer got bad and I had to quit working and she bounced, man o man I would have been crushed.

Be single is my advice for you. What happened to the world where people were in love and that’s all they worried about?


Shay’s Advice: If someone made 9 dollars an hour, genuinely loved me and I never felt like I had to question them, they accepted everything I came with, then that 9 dollars an hour is out the window. Money come and go but real, loyal people are hard to find. I can carry my own, period. So, I’m not counting anyone’s coins at the end of the day. If I really love you and I’m rocking with you, wherever you fall short I got you.


Treena’s Advice: Only $45k though? Shoot I’m asking for $60k plus, but I guess that depends on what region of the United States you live in, right? Lol.

I don’t see anything wrong with setting your standards to having someone who brings just as much as you to the table. 

We all do love an independent woman, right? But at the same time, don’t cheat yourself because they fall short from it. You have to weigh it out. You can get with someone who makes $100k and they end up unemployed, you feel me?

Nicole’s Advice: Meet and exceed me and we can grow from there. You can never be wrong for holding yourself as valuable. People need to understand if she built herself to a level she deserves someone on it! I am with ya! Except that king and queen stuff! I am just married! Lol.

Lynda’s advice: Nobody wants to HELP raise a grown woman.

Don’t drop your standards sweetheart. Most of these women that are crying about money shows you their worth.

They have the latest Jordans but no life insurance, fronting on social media in their homie’s cribs, riding in the passenger seat of someone else’s ride.


Dear Lesbian Love and Advice  shares the most interesting questions and advice from The questions and responses have been reprinted with permission.