Can You Stay Together After the Honeymoon?

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Love is great when there are no problems, but what happens after the honeymoon period ends? Image courtesy of Essence.com

Love is great when there are no problems, but what happens after the honeymoon period ends? Image courtesy of Essence.com

You know that “love at first sight” story that will make all of your friends jealous? It’s often followed by a period of bliss, when you get into a relationship, and everything is perfect (i.e. sex, conversations, and the love). Such statements like “I don’t think we will ever argue” will come up and you think everything is perfect, but then … that first argument happens and you find out that the person you thought was so perfect and so magical is now human.

This first argument will cause doubt, it will last for a while and it will be hurtful. Hell, some new couples don’t make it past the first argument. But that is when you know the honeymoon is over and now it is time for reality and the awkward moments. You will start thinking about things that you will and will not stand for; you will have doubts, and even trust issues. It is the moment when you look at your partner and ask “are you the right one for me?” Ugh! Those moments are not easy at all, especially for me. And it’s funny because with my previous relationships (lovers and friends) I knew exactly where a person stood in my life, I knew if the relationship was temporary or permanent (which the majority were very temporary … until now).

For my partner and I, the honeymoon ended after I moved in. We had our first big argument and we broke up for 5 minutes. Well, maybe 30 minutes … thus, a readjustment. Prior to this argument, we really didn’t see the human side of each other, but when we did, all hell broke loose. To be honest, I didn’t think we were going to make it. It was like everything I was doing was wrong and everything she would say or do was hurtful to me. We were in battle. But somehow we both surrendered. I do not know how peace came into the situation but, everything became clear, I knew what I fighting for and every tear I shed was worth it. I know I sound like Tamar Braxton’s song Love and War, but it’s true. I had to re-evaluate—is this my forever person or not? I am sure she was thinking the same. I know she had her doubts. But I am happy that we got through it.

Communication is Key

Now don’t get me wrong, the water isn’t always still. Occasionally we have some severe weather, a few micro bursts here and there, but once it is over, it is over and it’s back to business. I had to learn not to harbor on things. If you let it fester in your spirit for too long, it will just eat you alive and negatively affect whoever is around you. So my method is to let it go and let whatever I am feeling, out! Communication is key! I am still learning how to navigate through my feelings, to discern those which are valid from those that are b.s. and I am learning how to pick my battles.

I have to be honest; I am quick to say stuff out of my mouth without thinking. If I have a feeling or a thought, I will just say it without thinking it through. However, I have come to realize that everything I say is not worth the argument that will ensue afterward. And recently, my partner told me that I was combative. For the record I don’t agree with that assessment! I had never been told that from anyone I ever dated. So as I was arguing back with her, detailing how I was not combative, I realized that I was proving her point. Learning how to pick my battles is a good practice.

We can all learn together, because TRUST is hard! And learning how to be the bigger person is also hard. Conceding to what you perceive is wrong is aggravating and feels like a frog in your chest but the peace that follows is priceless. I am still learning, but I think me and my honey are getting the hang of each other pretty well. I am very grateful for our post honeymoon battle because it allowed me know that we can work through anything. And what we have now is great!

As always … be luvly.

 


 

Luvly Jones is the oldest of three, daughter of a Christian pastor and enjoys writing poetry and short stories. After dating a plethora of women, resulting in many life lessons she now shares her life with the woman she believes is “the one.” In this space she shares her journey of awareness, love, conflicts and getting through a relationship without getting arrested.

Are You With Her for Love or Convenience?

WakingUpLovelyLogoEveryone knows that in today’s economy two incomes are better than one, so living with a partner is now the norm. When the topic of cohabitating came up between my partner and I, it was an easy decision to make. It didn’t make sense for me to be paying rent in a place that I was not staying. I literally was at her house every night. So we did it. I broke my lease and moved right in.

When I told my girls what I was doing, they were like, “Great! What are the arrangements?” I told them that everything would be split down the middle. A silence came over our lunch table. They asked, “Why? If she is already managing the rent herself, why are you paying half? I mean I can see paying a couple bills but why half?” Then the last comment was killer: “Shout out to the red flag.” I thought to myself, a red flag? How could that be a red flag? If someone was to move in with me, I would expect her to pay half of the rent. So why would I not expect the same because moved into someone else’s home? I told my friends that they had straight mindset, and they said, “No, it’s a dom and femme thing too.” (Side bar: My partner does not identify as dom but her characteristics are very dominate.) My friend’s point was to have me question if this move-in plan was for love or convenience.

About Luvly Jones

I play it cool, I dig all jive, that’s the reason I stay alive, my motto, as I live and learn, is dig and be dug in return – “Motto” by Langston Hughes

These telling words, expressed by Langston Hughes, is the “motto” that Luvly Jones lives by. As a typical child of a military family, Luvly travelled coast to coast, which constantly forced her to adjust to new schools, new surroundings, and make new friends. That is why understanding others and being understood is very important to her. Luvly first began writing poems and short stories as a tool to navigate through the trials and tribulations of her ever-changing childhood. In her love for the arts, she found connection and cultivated most of her friendships.

This Cali girl, the oldest of three, grew up in a very religious household as the daughter of a Christian pastor. Needless to say, coming out at the age of 16 was not an easy task nor easily accepted by her family. Thus, adding to the complexity of her childhood. And to this day, her sexuality is not something that is acknowledged nor completely accepted by her family. Therefore, the bond that she shared with her friends became her main support system as well as her second family.

After dating a plethora of women, resulting in many life lessons, Luvly finally did her official lesbian duty and u-hauled with the woman she thinks could be “the one.” Each and every day, Luvly experiences new and exciting adventures in her relationship and via her handful of quirky friends and their interesting dating lives. Through this window into her life, she hopes that you can acquire some knowledge from her failures and successes, and hopefully vice versa.

Waking up Luvly is a column about awareness, love, conflicts and getting through a relationship without getting arrested. Join her on her journey of continual self-discovery on this roller coaster of pure estrogen.

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