Why All Lesbian Femmes Should Buy Their Own Straps

black woman wearing a strap on dildo

Written by Zamara Perri

 

“Ok so my girlfriend strap is too big…. i have expressed this to her a couple times and she laughed it off and made a joke of it…..idk what to do … i thought about buying another but i don’t know how she’ll take it … advice please.”

 

This post on Facebook broke my heart and brought back memories of my 20s and my first time having strap on sex. It looked like so much fun in porn. But not so much in real life. My girlfriends either had no clue or had dick envy or were used to having sex with women who had children. It hurt. It didn’t matter which woman I had sex with, it felt like I was being repeatedly punched in the cervix.

For some reason my femme girlfriends only had monster dildos. It never really occurred to me that it could be too big for me.

It was uncomfortable so I just told myself that I just didn’t like strap on sex. I told my lovers, I didn’t like strap ons either.

It wasn’t until my 30s that I had a partner who had a selection of dildos of varying sizes and lengths to select from. I closed my eyes and held my breath as she penetrated me with the shortest one. It didn’t hurt and I had so much fun. That was when the light bulb went off! I had a very short vaginal canal, so 9-inch dicks were never going to be fun for me.

 

Your Pleasure Matters, Too

I’m assuming the letter above is from a very young woman or a newly out lesbian who just wants to please her partner.

The partner may have a dildo that she likes, but guess who it’s penetrating? I say the person who is being penetrated gets to choose not to be in pain. The partner needs a reality check. One of the privileges of being a lesbian is not being stuck with a penis that you don’t like and can’t do anything about.

My message to this young lady and pretty much all femmes on the receiving end of a dildo is this: Buy your own dildo and strap. Why? Your pleasure matters too. Plus, they are really not that expensive and will help you weed out selfish lovers.

Once you’ve figured out what kind of dildo works for you, then you and your lover are bound to have more fun. If she’s not okay with that arrangement, then who’s gon check you boo? She can bounce.

When asked for her thoughts on this, my “feminine” friend Mel, said she likes having her own strap because she can control the cleanliness, quality of the materials and comfort.

“I have always been more of the strapper than the strapee,” she says. “I am all about comfort, mine and the other person’s. Finally, I found an amazing woman who has managed to not only make me love it…but also crave it like I’ve never had before. It’s the perfect size for me and she listens to my body. She understood that I wanted to give myself completely to her, but wanted to make sure she’d take care of me, which she has done so well. * bites bottom lip*”

So yep. Date a woman who is loving enough to care about her partner’s comfort and pleasure and a woman who isn’t willing to sacrifice your comfort at the altar of her giant ego. Toys are supposed to equal fun. If one person isn’t having fun, then that person gets to say no.

Plus, having your own strap resolves that silly argument that lesbians like to have where they want their partner’s to buy new sex toys with every new partner.

Finally, it’s freaking sexy when a woman can whip out her own dildo and tell her lover: “Relax boo, I came packing my own heat.”

Masculine Not Manly, Vol 3: A Letter From a Recovering TouchMeNot Stud

queen latifah and girlfriend in set it off

Written by Bre Ukweli

Dear Lover,

I promise it isn’t your fault that you have yet to make me cum in bed. I also swear on my entire sexual life, that I’m honestly not punishing you with dryness because you’re incompetent. Sometimes I think that the pleasure gene skipped me entirely and my vagina is just there for show and unnecessary monthly messes.

Up until recently, my sexual needs  thrived off of my lovers’ wants. Their moans were like cheering sections that had me wearing my back scratches like medals. Pleasure was just a game that I played for the sake of my ego.

There comes a time in every TouchMeNot (TMN) stud’s life where our bodies inherently begins to grow jealous of watching orgasm after orgasm, from the outside. Suddenly, the feeling of someone else’s wetness isn’t enough to fuel the mental satisfaction and we begin to crave more. But, we’ve already established rules that require us to slap away your hands in the heat of the moment.

We’ve created sexual environments where it’s okay for you, as a partner, to walk away completely satisfied and leave your stud contemplating her life and sexual needs, feeling incomplete for reasons she doesn’t understand.

We’re sorry, even in silence. Trust me on this one.

Rewriting that environment is intense, but necessary, especially if you, I mean we (but mostly me), want to save our relationship; both sexually and emotionally.

You want to know the key to sex with a recovering TouchMeNot stud like me?

  1. Patience.
  2. Don’t pressure me into anything. Allow me to make the request. I know what I need and all you have to do is listen. I understand it can be difficult to wait, but I promise you that’s the best way to get me to be comfortable with you.
  3. Talk to me outside of the bedroom. Get to know me through intimate conversations. Find out not only what turns me off, but also why. The “why” is extremely important. Sometimes there’s a lot more than just a need for control that’s keeping me from enjoying sex.
  4. Lastly, be open-minded, supportive and understanding. There’s nothing worse than making me feel bad about going against your sexual (and heteronormative) expectations. What I mean is, if you get lucky enough to get me to ask to be strapped, you strap up. Simple.

Your pleasure should be my pleasure and my ecstasy should be your ecstasy. Let’s make love to each other, have fun and see how it goes.

Love,

Bre


Bre  is a 24-year-old gender-fluid person living in South Florida. She is a shade connoisseur hopelessly chasing skylines, sunsets and social justice.

How to Eat Pussy Like A Champ

Welcome to her world.

Welcome to her world.

Written by HOLAA

Eating pussy is a skill and not one that everyone has. If you’re new to eating the box or just need a refresher course, here are 15 gorgeous steps to help her walk down that path to ecstasy. But always remember, safe sex is the best sex.

No. 1: Tell her she is beautiful and mean it.

Women can be somewhat shy about their bodies. Society is not always kind to us and we aren’t always kind to ourselves. So there is nothing better than being in all our naked glory and someone saying that ‘you are just stunning.’

Mmmmm.

Sends a shiver down my spine right now.

Put her at ease and tell her how much you enjoy what you are seeing. Let her trust you enough to let you go down on her.

No. 2 Take a moment to appreciate her beautiful vagina.

Take a minute and look. Enjoy the beautiful flower in front of you. A woman’s pussy is one of the most unique things about her. They are all so different, look different, taste different, smell different. Anyone who has seen a great number of vaginas will know (we don’t judge, we applaud).

So, appreciate the one before you because it is like a snowflake, unique.

No. 3 Talk to it: Women love to speak

We love to speak and be spoken to (most of the time, some women just want to hear you moan which is amazing too).

Speaking to her will make her come. When you are stroking and touching her pussy, speak to it until it starts speaking back. It really will.

No. 4 Use the tip of your tongue on her outer lips, inner lips then search for her clit

Give it another look. Once you have gazed at it gently pull the lips apart and then have a look at her inner lips before putting your tongue to them. Just a little taste.

Women have clits in all different sizes. It doesn’t affect her ability to orgasm. All it means is more of her is hidden.

No. 5 When touching her pussy make sure your finger is moist

Sometimes you can use her juices, sometimes a little dab of lube. Or you can lick your finger. You have to make sure your finger is wet because the clit doesn’t have any of its own wetness and is very sensitive. If your finger is dry it could stick to it and this could be painful.

But you should work up to touch her clit in any case. Before she is properly turned on her clit is too delicate to handle.

 

Click here for steps 6 through 15.

I Don’t Like Straps: How I Cleared Up My Lesbian Sex Taboos

Written by Zamara Perri

Great sex is about much more than just opening your legs. It's about opening your mind. Photo: queenlioness.tumblr.com

Great sex is about much more than just opening your legs. It’s about opening your mind. Photo: queenlioness.tumblr.com

 

What is lesbian sex? My definition: Any physical activity between two or more women that results in pleasure and/or an orgasm. But I didn’t always think that way. For the longest time, I had very rigid ideas about what sex between women should look like.

So of course I almost lost my mind when one of my lesbian friends posted the following on Facebook: “Not every lesbian wants to rub pussies. Ewww.”

I thought about writing a very long post on her wall. But I decided to give some thought to why this annoyed me so much.

 

I realized I was annoyed because she took something that brings some lesbian couples pleasure and made it something nasty. That bothers me because there are many lesbians not having great sex because their partners or church or society or porn has dictated to them that pleasure has to look a certain way.

 

Guess what, whatever you and your woman do in the privacy of your own home for pleasure is really your fucking business. And whatever I do in my own home with my partner for pleasure is my fucking business.

 

However, I believe many black lesbians tend to be close-minded about sex just like we tend to be close-minded about gender roles. We all have sex acts that we have tried in the past and know from experience that we don’t really enjoy them. Others of us have never tried and would prefer to pass judgment.

 

I used to be one of those judgmental women. I’ve been lucky to have partners who were patient about my breaking my taboos. I also learned that there were things that I enjoyed doing with one partner and some things I didn’t enjoy with a different partner.

 

Here is how I dealt with three of my biggest taboos surrounding lesbian sex:

 

For the longest time, I really didn’t enjoy strap-ons while pretty much all of my girlfriends were geeked over the idea. For someone who was damn near a gold star, it was painful to say the least and since I don’t come from penetration, I thought it was pointless. Then I started dating a particular woman who had a collection of dildos. She was kind and gentle and encouraged me to try different sizes. That’s when I discovered that a smaller dildo worked best for me. I even started enjoying it especially when I discovered the joy of being on top. The funny thing about her though was that she did not want to be penetrated. Not even with a finger. She had spent so many years giving and didn’t know how to receive.

 

I also was not really into giving oral sex for the longest time. As a femme who dated more aggressive women, I got away with not giving for a long time. My aggressive femmes didn’t mind doing all the giving and I was safe. Then I started dating a stud who was very in touch with her feminine side and wanted reciprocation. I knew that I couldn’t continue being selfish. So I learned to please her in exactly the way she wanted me to and I ended up loving it. Frankly it came down to trust for me and once we established a trusting relationship, I truly enjoyed going down on her.

 

Then there was scissoring/grinding/tribbing. I actually enjoy scissoring and have ever since I was a kid. But I was so ashamed about doing this for the longest time that I rarely indulged with my girlfriends especially the ones who were focused on strapping. By the time I hit my 30s I started becoming more comfortable asking for what I wanted sexually and showing her how I liked it. Being vocal about my sexual needs made me feel so empowered and sexy. That also translated into a better sex life.

 

Over the years, I’ve learned a lot from my girlfriends. They helped open me up mentally, physically and emotionally to understanding that the ideas I had about lesbian sex didn’t apply to every relationship. They helped break me out of my box. They showed me how to be comfortable with myself, ask for what I wanted, learn what gives ME pleasure, and how to be an equally giving partner.

Interview With A Married Black Lesbian Swinger

For one black lesbian couple, having an open marriage is about having trust.

For one black lesbian couple, having an open marriage is about having trust.

Nikki and Dee Brooks have been together for six years, married for three. When it comes to either of them having sex with outside partners, Nikki explains that the rules are simple: “All parties involved must get regular check ups and prove our results in written doctors reports. We never do anything at our home. We take turns paying for hotels. We must discuss everything with each other before making outside plans. In other words, get approval. No spending the night out.”

The Brookses may seem like a typical black lesbian couple, but their open marriage makes them a little bit unusual. We spoke to Nikki about how they opened their marriage.

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): Tell us about yourselves.

Nikki: I’m 44 and my wife, Dee is 57. We live in Michigan. I’m Muslim and go to the mosque. Dee is not religious nor spiritual and doesn’t go to church. We both love sports and each other’s energy.
BL3: Have you been in open relationships before?

 

Nikki: I’ve never been a faithful type of person and I let people in the past know that I like to dip, so if you can hang, stay.

 

BL3: How did you broach the topic with Dee? Did you make it a condition of marriage?

Nikki: When I realized our sex drives were different, I sat her down and we agreed to be open. And no, this was not a condition of marriage.

 

BL3: Some people may wonder why you got married, if you wanted to have other sexual partners.

 

Nikki: I got married to her because she stole my heart and I wanted to be hers for life. What I do on the outside has no mental or emotional connection like I have with my wife.

 

BL3: But you don’t have to get married to be with someone for life.

Nikki: I don’t play house with nobody and she is my soul mate.

 

BL3: How long has it been since you opened up your marriage?

Nikki: It’s been open for two and a half years.

 

BL3: Does your wife ever engage with other women?
Nikki: We play together or with separate partners. Or we swing but that’s only a couple times a year.

BL3: What are some of the positives of having an open marriage?

Nikki: We have learned a lot about each other this way. It has opened up our communication skills 100%.

 

I can be me with not regrets, no consequences to face.

There aren’t any insecurities between us. Having an open marriage made us trust each other more, because there’s no sneaking and hiding of anything!

I Gave My Ex an STD

Living with an STD is  hard enough, but add in dating and it's near impossible.

Living with an STD is hard enough, but add in dating and it’s near impossible.

Written by Jaleesa West*

I have High-Risk HPV. I was diagnosed three years ago. I’ve shared my story with those closest to me.  My exes know.  At times, it feels like I’ve had to come out all over again.  It’s especially difficult to deal with because my ex recently received an abnormal pap smear. Horrified didn’t begin to describe my feelings.  Because of me, there is no longer a clean break between us. We’ll forever be tied by this.

In 2012, on my first visit with a new gynecologist, I was told I had it.  I went to get a second opinion from my regular family doctor and was told nothing showed up on the pap smear.  I assumed that this was the correct diagnosis and kept it moving.

I met my ex later that year and life went on. During my annual visit with my family doctor in 2014, she found that I did, in fact, have it. I was upset and confused. How did last year’s test miss it?  A few weeks later, a colposcopy was performed and I was diagnosed with mild cervical dysplasia (Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasia – CIN I).

A few months later, the ex and I parted ways. It was hard because I really wanted things to work.  We went to counseling, answered relationship questionnaires, and scheduled “us time.”  All the things you’re supposed to do to make the relationship work.  But when it’s done, it’s done. We ended it after a year.  Even after the break up, we lived together for an additional five months.

I want to provide her with some answers, but all I have is a lot of regurgitated information from the CDC, the NIH, and whoever else decides it’s the hot topic of the day. More than anything, I wish I could share with her how to live with this disease. Problem is, I haven’t figured that much out for myself.

At the moment, there is no sure fire way to avoid getting it other than abstaining.

 

And even then, there’s a chance of contracting it by skin to skin contact.

How will this affect my already non-existent love life?  I’m not seeing anyone. I haven’t even tried to pursue a relationship after her. Some might say that’s probably best.  Honestly, I’m not ready for the rejection. I’m not ready to have the talk.  So in the meantime, I’m looking for a cure.  I’ve had two painful biopsies and I pray there won’t be any more in my future.

Mostly, I hope that love won’t look past me because of this. I know that there will be gloves and dental dams in my future, but I can handle that.  I just hope my next lover can too.

There aren’t many stories from lesbians (black or otherwise) giving their day-to-day accounts of living with this disease, so I’ve started a Tumblr account.  I need to know how to move forward.  There’s a chance that my body will fight it off, and I am working on taking better care of my health.  But what do I do in the meantime?  As you can see, there are more questions than answers.  My hope is that we can open communication and remove the stigma, considering 80% of us either have it, have had it, or will have it at some point in our lives.

If you’ve been diagnosed with HPV and would like to share your story with me or have questions, please check out http://lifereconsidered.tumblr.com or email me at lifereconsidered@gmail.com.  All information shared will be kept confidential.


Jaleesa West is not the author’s real name. She preferred to remain anonymous. 

Nice Femmes Don’t Fuck

Written by Z. Amara Perri 

 

When it comes to sex, some femmes have a hard time taking the lead.

When it comes to sex, some femmes have a hard time taking the lead.

“I remember when you bent me over the railing,” I whispered with a giggle.

“Do you want me to do that again?” She asked with a seductive smile.

My body was screaming, “Yes!” But that’s not what came out of my mouth. Batting my eyelashes coquettishly, I said slowly, “Maybe.”

She rolled her eyes, sighed in frustration and said, “Ugh there you go again. You femmes and that ‘maybe.’ We just talked about this today!”

It was a Friday night and my sweetie and I were snuggling in bed. The conversation we were having was an extension of the one we had earlier that day. The one in which I shared with her how some femmes in butch-femme relationships tend to follow the gender constructs laid out by society—nice women don’t fuck and by extension nice femmes don’t fuck.

 

Even though LGBT and queer relationships challenge societal norms in many ways, we as feminine women tend to buy into the tiresome tropes being sold by churches and misogynists alike and that is that a woman’s sexuality does not belong to her. Today I saw this vulgar and offensive meme on Facebook: “No hymen, no ring.” The idea being that a woman’s value is tied to her virginity. So because a woman has sex outside of marriage, she’s not wife material. Ummmm gross! Interestingly, men are not the only ones peddling this foolishness. Many of us femmes are complicit in our own sexual oppression.

 

What I mean is that those of us who are in relationships with more aggressive or masculine-identified women have sex lives that reflect the same idea that a patriarchal society has peddled for years—nice femmes don’t fuck.

I think we are also playing into heterosexual confusion about what lesbians do in bed together. One of the most frequent questions being, who is the “man” in the relationship? Of course there are no men, that’s the whole point. But the underlying question is who is the more dominant one because in Western society, despite the feminist revolution, we somehow continue to believe that someone has to be “in charge” of the relationship or call all the shots.

 

How do nice femmes perpetuate that idea in bed? We do that by not voicing what we want in bed, not taking control of our own pleasure, not knowing our own bodies or even being more aggressive in bed. As I look back at my history with more dominant women, I know that has been true for me. I have mostly been a very submissive and non-vocal participant in my own sex life. Even though I tend to be a very progressive thinker who goes against the grain in every way, when I get in bed with a more aggressive woman, I start following the nice femme script.

And it looks a lot like a scene from a bad heterosexual porno: I don’t initiate sex, I immediately get on my back, I don’t vocalize my desires and fantasies, I don’t always reciprocate oral sex and I focus more on her taking her pleasure and use the excuse that it takes too long for me to orgasm so I give up on trying to have one.

 

Of course my sex life doesn’t look 100 percent like this anymore, but I was shocked to realize that I had this mental carryover from traditional heterosexist society. And how does this impact my partner? My sweetie explained that it was one of the things that she hated about sex with femmes. She shared how uncomfortable it was to always initiate and how it was constantly an opportunity for rejection.

 

So of course she found it annoying when I brought up how she bent me over the stairs and fucked me senseless then refused to claim my own desire for more of the same. Why? Because I was again playing the coy femme who would not vocalize a simple sexual desire. I brought up her fucking me on the stairs while we were in bed for a reason. And then backed away when she asked me if I wanted more of the same. Why? It’s simple really. The millions of messages we get every day are powerful and if you’ve been hearing those same messages for decades, it’s going to be kind of hard to unlearn some of the most persistent messages.