How I Healed After My Long-term Lesbian Relationship Ended

Model looks forward to the future.
Model looks forward to the future.

Letting go and starting over is never all that easy. Model: Tene’A.

Written by Vanessa B.

After falling in love with my best friend from high school, we spent the next 17 and a half years together. We did not live happily ever after. We broke up after I returned from serving in the Army and losing the relationship made me “cray-cray” crazy.

After the breakup, we were going back and forth in our conversations but we were definitely broken up because she started seeing someone three months after our breakup. It was a horrible emotional experience for me. A lot of things from our entire relationship boiled to the surface. The anger, sadness, and disappointment had already become recurring themes.

 

The Near Death Experience

One day, after arguing with Debra over the phone while driving at a high speed on the highway and almost slamming into the back of a Mack truck, I just stopped arguing with her.

After that day I decided I would always be kind when I spoke to her. I survived Iraq and yet while arguing on the cell phone I almost killed myself on the highway.

 

Mending My Broken Heart

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Forgiveness is healing. Model: Jessica Chibueze

I needed to quiet my mind and mend my broken heart. I started to pray, and meditate and, most importantly, I decided I wanted to heal. There was no going around the pain; I knew I had to go through it. I accepted that my long-term relationship was permanently over and I stopped all communication with her.

I had never been a real member of a church before, but I started my healing journey by sitting in the back of a church and crying my eyes out.

Also, I set some very simple goals: I wanted to heal, forgive, and get my butt up out of the bed and out of the house. The biggest help was being out of state and away for home. I decided not to return to my hometown. It was bittersweet, but to this day, it was the best decision I ever made.

What really helped me to forgive was that I looked ahead five years into the future and I knew I didn’t want to still be hurt or angry or harboring any “unforgiveness.” I also knew I needed to forgive myself and stop beating myself up.

I recognized early on in the breakup that anger and heartache were not there to be helpful to me. All the negative emotions I felt were exhausting and preventing me from moving forward. So I apologized to Debra for everything I had done.

I asked her for her forgiveness but I didn’t want or need her to acknowledge it. Just deciding to sincerely and genuinely forgive her and to forgive myself, helped me heal.

It feels a little odd to say this but I truly think I benefitted from her choice to jump into a relationship with someone new, because there was nothing I could do about it. So, it didn’t take me long to forgive because I saw the benefit in it, not for her, but for me.

I asked myself, what do you want? What are you going to do, now? It wasn’t an overnight process, at all. It took a lot of time, but it was a long-lasting type of healing for me.

Many years have passed now what happened in that relationship hasn’t impacted my ability to trust. I had to learn a lesson in order to realize that in relationship there has to be upfront, honest communication. Also, I need to ask questions and not just dive in to anything. I think that lesson also comes with maturity.

 

A Different Kind of Happily Ever After

I want to let all the black lesbians out there know there is no expiration date on the grief and mourning you may feel when your love relationship ends. However, breakups are the best time to do a YOU inventory. Meaning, who are you? What do you want? And what’s next for you? Debra was my first love, but by the time our relationship ended I was wiling to be in love with me. I needed to heal me. I needed to help me. I needed to save myself. And I did. And you can too.

It has been over 10 years since our breakup. I saw her once in person several years ago. Otherwise, it’s been an occasional picture on social media. We talked a few times over the years. It felt somewhat awkward because our lives have gone in completely different directions. She’s still in our hometown and living her life there. I have completed some higher learning goals, and I travel and I’ve lived in a few different places.

I’m very happy in my life. I have genuinely achieved closure in all my past relationships. Not only did I forgive but I also forgot.

I have no regrets. This is my life and there’s no dress rehearsal, it’s the real thing. I believe our past makes us who we are. Every life experience and encounter is three things: (1) A blessing, (2) a lesson, and (3) an opportunity.

I am currently single, but I date and I have a wonderful group of family and friends. I’ve also started to embrace the idea of a poly-amorous relationship because I don’t think you can be everything to one person, but maybe you can be a few good things to a few people. I stay open and receptive to new people coming into my life all the time.

 


 

Vanessa B.Veronica B is an entrepreneur, and a former psychotherapist. She resides in Las Vegas, where she likes to volunteer, hike, travel and write. She is an active member of the Vegas LGBTQ community. She’s currently working on projects involving social psychology, issues of religion, and empowerment for women and girls of color.

Why My Girlfriend And I Broke Up After 17 Years Together

Young black lesbians in love.

Written by Vanessa B.

Debra and I were best friends in high school. We were typical teenagers, hanging out and finding trouble to get into. We were both still into boys at that time. Neither of us had had any experiences with girls beyond playing house or doctor.

Shortly after graduation I attended Debra’s sister’s wedding and over the course of the evening, an attraction to her just came over me. I hadn’t felt anything like that toward her prior to that day. Needless to say, I was scared and confused. Ironically, she was my best friend, so who was I going to talk to about this attraction I was experiencing?

At first, I avoided her for about a week and a half, then invited her over to talk. She confessed that she had felt something the day of the wedding, also. It was all so surreal, and bizarre. I guess my curiosity won out and I kissed her, and she kissed me back. And that was the beginning of a 17-and-a-half year roller coaster of emotions and experiences.

We were together from our late teens until our mid-30s. For the first 11 years of our relationship, we were in the closet.

We loved each other very much. We had many up and downs and joys and pains. We were both free spirits and dreamers. This often meant talking about our hopes and dreams but unfortunately not seeing them to fruition.

 

We Had Different Dreams

We talked about getting married, buying a home, having a child, and traveling but we really never did anything together to make it a reality. Our personalities were such that she liked to put all her eggs in one basket and wasn’t comfortable with change and I was the total opposite. For instance, I was also a free spirit and a dreamer but I had a plan B that included college, travel, etc. She was/is a very sociable person, and a DJ with close family ties. Also, once she finished high school she was done with school forever.

So, unfortunately, we could never get on the same page about building a life together. We both lived, separately with our parents, for the first 10 years of our relationships. I eventually moved out of my Mom’s house and into my own apartment, and she moved into a house that her sister bought.

 

I Betrayed Her

Black woman in army unifform.

Vanessa B in her Army days.

After five years of being together I acted out, and betrayed our relationship by dating guys in order to continue the heterosexual farce. I was confused, and at the time, and I still cared about what my family and society thought. Nonetheless, what I did hurt her but we managed to get through it, or so I thought.

I was the one who left the relationship (at first, and in a way). Let me explain. I joined the Army. At that point, we had been together 15 years. I was at a loss and at a dead end in my love relationship and in my relationship with my family.

On sheer impulse, I walked into the Army recruiter’s office and signed up for a three-year stint. We both agreed that the change was what we needed in order to find ourselves. She was hurt by the drastic change and as a result there was quite a bit of passive-aggression, on her part. The military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell,” nonsense was still intact and she resented that. Also, I was no longer around or I was unable to speak to her every day. So eventually, she broke up with me, via letter, while I was in boot camp.

We somehow managed to get back together, however, I didn’t receive any care packages from her the entire time I was in the army, including the year I spent deployed to Iraq. Also, she sent me a total of about five letters over an almost three-year period. Needless to say our relationship was rocky.

 

Growing Apart

When I returned home I felt that after all that had occurred while I was away, we needed to really sit down and have a deep and meaningful conversation. However, she wasn’t comfortable with talking about what had transpired between us while we were apart.

She wanted to just put it all behind us and move on. The problem was that in those three years, our relationship got tested in the most fundamental of ways. With regards to things like change, communication, trust, responsibility, and maturity, we had moved in different directions and reacted in different ways.

When she suggested that I move into a bedroom (not an apartment) with her, in her sister’s house, and pay rent to her sister, it became clear I had changed but not much else had. We had both grown older but only one of us had grown up. So within a month of me returning from Iraq, we broke up.

Read part 2 to learn how I healed from the break up.


 

Vanessa B.Veronica B. is an entrepreneur, and a former psychotherapist. She resides in Las Vegas, where she likes to volunteer, hike, travel and write. She is an active member of the Vegas LGBTQ community. She’s currently working on projects involving social psychology, issues of religion, and empowerment for women and girls of color.

She’s The One: Here are 9 Adorable Ways to Ask Her to Be Yours

A kiss on the hand is an adorable way to show you care.

Let her know she’s special to you. Photo courtesy of Grlpage.

Written by Giselle Bella

She’s the one. You know it. You want to ask her to be yours on Valentine’s Day but you are not sure how. I will try to help with that. Whether you just met her three weeks ago or have been married for 13 years, you surely will find these ideas helpful.

Wait! Don’t just call and ask her to be your valentine. Valentine’s Day is all about romance so make it cute, make it memorable, make it romantic but do not go overboard. Save that for later.

Send her a lovely text message that is interactive. Ask her if she will be your Valentine by responding with “yes” or “no.” You make it interactive by putting a smiley face next to YES and a frowning face next to NO. Ask her to reply with the face she chooses. You can even do it with photos of yourself. You can even send her a voice-recorded message to ask her or a video message.

If by now you have her e-mail address, e-cards are still something to remember, especially now that hardly anyone uses them outside of memes.

Ask her while you’re at dinner.

Write her a love note, as you would in grade school. Ask her to be your Valentine and to check the box she wants. The best part is you wait until you are within a group of friends and ask your friends to pass down the note to her.

Lunch box treats. So if you are a couple who live together, this may be adorable. Pack her lunch and in her lunch bag or box put a note, card or letter with the question. To make her response more exciting, ask her to provide her response in the lunch she will pack you the next day. Adroit!

Surprise her in bed. Whether you share the same bed or not, you can get away with this. That is, if you have access to her bed. Leave her a message/note under the covers asking her to be your Valentine. You want her to see it as soon as she pulls the covers back. You may leave a note with a flower or one of her favorite treats. OR if you leave before her in the morning, leave her the note on the pillow next to her.

Send her flowers. Send her flowers at her place of work or at home and in the card, ask her to be your Valentine.

Ask your friends to support you. If you are somewhere social with friends, give them each a paper to hand her. Write, “Will You Be My Valentine?” with each word on pieces of paper and give four to your friends. Have everyone give her a piece of paper at different times then you give her the last piece. Melt her heart. You can do the same thing via text. Have four friends text her in order as to ask the question and you send the final message with the question mark!

If you are super romantic and especially if you’ve been together for some time, then take her to a place that is known and sacred to just you two and ask her.

Remember that even if you are already a couple, do things to keep love going, keep what attracted you to each going.

My wish for you is, that you grateful and graciously embrace the Valentine you’ve been given. Whether she is a mother or sister, a friend or lover, may your Valentine love you without conditions and may you reciprocate that.

My love to you,

Giselle Gia

 


Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

God Gave Me A Second Chance With My Soul Mate

Asia and Eula have been together three years.

Asia and Eula are celebrating three years of being together.

 

Written by Asia Hamilton

My partner, Eula, and I come from very abusive childhoods. For years upon years our bodies, minds, hearts, souls and spirits were slowly being destroyed. Still, we survived abuse, neglect, abandonment and unfaithfulness.

Roughly five years ago, we saw each other at a pride festival. Eula says that was the moment she knew she found the ONE. At the time we had both been through very bad relationships, and I just wasn’t ready to be hurt again and I didn’t want to hurt someone else either.

A few months went by, and as sweet and persistent as Eula was about making me hers, it just wasn’t the right time. I ended up dating someone else and she ended up getting back with an ex. So truly, I saved us both from making a spur of the moment decision, or so I thought.

We cut all communication for about two years. While in those relationships, we again received ill treatment from our partners, until we just couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Our Second Chance

Asia and Eula intimate upside down kiss.

Asia knows that it was God gave her a second chance to be with her soul mate, Eula.

I’d say maybe three to four months or so after my breakup, I saw Eula again, for the first time in all those years. However, this time when I saw her, I got that “this is the ONE feeling” almost instantly, but she just wasn’t the same. I didn’t realize that I had hurt her all those years ago by not dating her, but that very night she told me she had been waiting years to be with me.

She said that she KNEW God would bring me back to her because it’s all she prayed for. I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I could have had this love a long time ago. I was hurt, stubborn, selfish, uncaring, and unforgiving. I allowed my past and my pride to control my feelings and actions.

Yes, I do believe that everything works out according to His plan, but this was HIM giving me everything I deserved, I just didn’t listen. This time felt so different though. I did everything I could to prove that I was truly sorry and made the wrong choice, and after a while she forgave me. We have been together for almost three years now.

I chose to share this story with you all because I want you to know how important it is to listen to that little voice inside your head. If you feel like God or something is compelling you to act, then do so.

As soon as you put evil, pride, hurt, selfishness, and all negativity behind you, you’ll be surprised who you could fall in love with, and better yet, who could be falling for you.

 

We Hold Each Other Down

Asia kisses Eula's cheek

Eula (right) smiles as Asia plans a kiss on her cheek.

Eula is the BEST partner I could ever ask for and I know she’d say the same about me. Together, we have taught each other the true meaning of love, respect, forgiveness, patience, compassion, empathy, understanding, dedication, hard work, and spiritualism. No matter what we went through, what we go through, or what we could go through, we have been and will continue to be there for one another.

Even when we were separated and living separately we STILL held each other down. For us that meant me working two jobs when she lost hers, or vice versa when I lost mine. We refuse to let each other sink. I appreciate and love her for not only being the best partner I could ever have, but because we chose to become best friends first.

At the beginning of last year, nothing was going right, but here we are at its end and I’m blessed with tears of joy! We chose to believe in Him, in ourselves, in each other, in better, in something!

I was raised very religious and I knew for a fact that if we did right by the Lord, He would love, protect, and provide for us in ways no other person could, including each other.

 

In 2015, we became soul mates. Together, we faced two near-death experiences, which totaled two of our cars; I caught a charge; we were cast out by our families; and there were times when we didn’t even have food to eat.

 

However, in 2015, we also paid off over $10,000 in debt and student loans, built up our credit scores, bought and sold five cars, moved out of our childhood prisons (homes), took four vacations, got raises and promotions through our jobs, and now we are getting ready to plan a wedding and start saving for our future children!

Queen Size: A Love Poem

two nude black women embracing.

Let me roll over into your warmth. Photo courtesy of Mike Mogul.

 

Written by Tresaun Lee for her wife, Maia

 

I shove my backside against the perfectly assorted seam.

Rubbing the 300 count about

my thighs –in silent hopes to feel

an arm

wrap around my waist.

Never begging to wash sheets.

Praying the scent of you escapes my

feather down &

sinking deeper into an oversized dray;

awaiting to be weighed down to

the box spring.

The gentle thrusts of slow spooning singing out.

When will you return here and make this castle

feel less big?

Like the nape of your neck –smaller in fact.

Consume the “other” side.

Let me roll over into your warmth

rather than the chill of that empty sort.

Have me wake in dire nights to a steady

breath on my cheek and eyelashes

batting open to dawn.

Seeing your

tangled tresses interlock on my tips –even

in the dead of night.  No black room can darken

you out.

Every sleep alone does fill this dread.

Yet and always I find it too much of a

pillage to assort these pillows

to stack them so –to remake

your inanimate body feel like it’s here.

Just come home to this scene.

For even a King feels small

in a chariot beset for a Queen.

About Our Love: Why I Waited Five Years to Marry My College Sweetheart

Tre and Maia nuzzle each other.
Tre and Maia looking supa dupa fly.

Tre and Maia are college sweethearts who married after five years of dating.

Written by Tresaun Lee

I always want to tell people that we (me and Maia) met in some real crazy romantic scenario but truthfully it was online. We both went to the same university but had never before spoken to one another. She claimed to have seen me on campus before and was too shy to say something. One random night in October 2008 we both happened to be on Downelink.

I said something to her cuz she was the only one in the chat room on video and not typing. She didn’t like the setup and said it was too hard to keep up with the convos and that sparked a private IM session. Before long, we were speaking for hours. After we spoke online for awhile we kept promising to link up on campus, but our classes never aligned so she invited me to her house in the city for dinner one night.

She made me pesto pasta, we watched movies, drank and talked. She lived on a popular street in the city so we walked the length of it, perusing shops and flirting then ended up down by the waterfront. It was pretty chill but also very intimate. I have never left her side after that night. Lol.

 

I Fell in Love

A couple months after we met, I asked her to be exclusive and about a year and some change later, I asked her to be my wife. I’d say I fell in love with her after she went back home to visit family in another country. Never missed someone so much and it was weird cuz from the day we met, we didn’t spend a day apart.

What I love about her is that she is her own person. She is very much like my mother, which I love and hate. She is stubborn and compassionate. Headstrong and committed. What some see as shy and quiet I see as mysterious and layered.

It’s like she reserves her real self for me only and she too sees my demons and angels without me having to verbalize much.

I hate to say it but she is my best friend and not cuz we get along and make a good team but also cuz she knows me where I dunno myself.

 

The Secret to a Long-Lasting Relationship

Tre and Maia laughing in an alley

Tre and Maia laugh together in the midst of a photo shoot.

If you ask me what’s the secret to making a relationship last, I’ll say, there’s is no damn secret! LoL. It’s hard as hell. The secret is that it takes real life work.

People wanna believe in fairyt ales and the one and only but that is still another living breathing person. We forget our love can be narcissistic and demanding and that our counterparts aren’t puppets.

I think mostly my wife and I are happy with our relationship because we can talk to one another when we need to. Even if it’s the same thing it’s not nagging. We share ourselves and try to lift each other up.

Because I get to see the blood, sweat and tears she puts into making me and allowing me to be the woman I am … I too, wanna reciprocate and show her I’m there to do the same when she needs it. It’s nice to think it’s 50/50 but it never is. Someone always needs the other more and I’m glad my wife knows about realistic compromise and how to keep not only me happy, but our relationship fresh.

 

I Believe in Non-Conventional Relationships, But Still Wanted a Wife

For me marriage symbolizes a step toward a future. And of course I believe in non-conventional relationships, but I always wanted a wife. When I met mine, I really was partly afraid I would lose someone so important to me without making that grand gesture. Another part of me wanted to show her how serious I was about being just as important in her life.

We had agreed to wait for her to graduate but unbeknownst to us at the time, that two-year plan had become an eight-year one. I felt like her unwillingness to compromise was a larger issue to making me wait on her timeline and she felt like me pressuring her was speaking to me never being satisfied.

What we ended up doing was getting married without the bells and whistles and planning for something larger once she’s out of school. We both had to compromise. We both got a little of what we wanted but in the end I think our relationship got what it needed.

We approached a subject we hated to speak about in a million different ways. We talked till we were blue in the face, we cried and laughed. And in the end it was worth it cuz I know why I wanted her as a wife. No other woman is worth waiting five years for. And soon we’ll have been together 10 years, and I can’t believe it’s only the beginning.


 

Tre and Maia are in their early 30s and live in Philadelphia. Tre is a poet. Here is a poem she wrote for Maia.

Tracy & Tiffany: A Divine Meeting Leads to a Two-Bride Wedding in the Bible Belt

Tracy and Tiffany embrace at a table with bouquets and sand glass.
Tiffany sits on a settee while her bride, Tiffany stands.

Tracy and Tiffany married after a year of planning.

After seven years of love, laughter and friendship, Tracy and Tiffany married in September of 2015. The happy brides, who reside in Greensboro, N.C., share the story of their love and special wedding day below:

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): How did you meet?

Tracy and Tiffany: We met at church in another city, and found out that we both lived in the same town. We began hanging out as friends and the rest is history!

BL3: What attracted you to each other?

Tracy: I was drawn to Tiffany’s cheerful personality, and her devotion to church, family and friends. Tiffany: Tracy and I just started out as friends, but as we got to know each other, I saw how hard she worked for what she wanted. She is so goal-oriented!

BL3: Tell us about your first date. 

Tiffany: Because we were friends first, we can’t remember our first date. I kind of like that about our relationship because it didn’t make things uncomfortable. I didn’t have to worry about the jitters of the first date or ordering a salad for dinner (even though I love salads).

BL3:  What do you love about each other?

Tiffany: I love Tracy’s passion that she has for different things in life.

Tracy: I love Tiffany’s cheerfulness and how selfless she is.

 

BL3: Why did you decide to get married, especially after seven years?

Tracey: We both wanted to spend the rest of our lives with someone who loves us for who we are and allows us to love them.

Tiffany: Tracy is also one of my biggest supporters. Who wouldn’t want that for the rest of your life?

Tracy and Tiffany cut the wedding cake.

Tracy and Tiffany cut their wedding cake together.

BL3: Tell me a bit about your wedding day. What made it special?

Tiffany: I thought I would be nervous on the day of the wedding, but I guess since I was so nervous the weeks leading to it, I didn’t have any nervousness left. This day was special to me because everyone there was in support and not judgment. This not only made me happy but Tracy also. If she is happy, I’m happy!

Tracy: Our day was special because we had come through almost a year of planning and we were in agreement on everything (from the flowers to the decorations to the candy buffet). We worked hard to ensure each of us was happy. With two brides, we wanted each of us to feel special and feel like the day was all about each of us!

Another special thing is that for most of our guests, this was [their] first time attending a same-sex wedding. We’re in the south, in the Bible belt. Although we experienced some heartache and loss of relationships along the way, in the end true friends and family were right there supporting us.

We’ve been told that our union has brought the issue of same-gender-loving relationships to the forefront and caused many to have to consciously reconsider their long-held beliefs and determine what really matters most. Love is love!!

BL3: What wedding traditions did you keep and which ones did you get rid of and why?

Tiffany: The night before the wedding, I presented Tracy with something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. I know she was surprised and I LOVED IT!

Tracy: We ditched the traditions like seating guests by choosing sides. We wanted everybody intermingled! We also did not include throwing bouquets or removing garters. It was important to us to keep Christian traditions like having premarital counseling with a Christian pastor, having prayer and the Lord’s Prayer sang during the ceremony.

BL3: Where was the wedding and reception held? At a church or somewhere else? And why? 

Tracey and Tiffany: Neither of us belonged to a welcoming and affirming church at the time. We took extra care to ensure everybody involved (guests and vendors), were in agreement with and supportive of same-sex marriage. So we definitely wanted the venue to have the best atmosphere. The wedding and reception were held at Tracy’s brother’s catering facility–ceremony outside on the patio, reception in the inside dining area. We knew it was a great facility, but when we saw it decorated for our wedding, we knew it was the best place!

BL3: How did it feel to exchange vows? Did you write your own vows?

Tiffany: I wrote my own vows and it felt good to say what was in my heart. I felt like in that moment I could wrap up the feelings and love that I have for Tracy in words. Of course all of it could not be said in a couple of words, but I promise to show it every moment I have for the rest of my life.

Tracy: I knew I would cry! I could hardly finish reading everything without my voice cracking. It felt like everything I feel for Tiffany (all of my love, concern and “lust”) was magnified 100 times in that moment.

BL3: What was the most memorable part of the day?  

Tiffany: The most memorable part of the day is when I came out the doors and saw Tracy standing waiting for me. The closer I got to her the more I felt the love and connection between us.

Tracy: Most memorable for me are two things–the way my baby brother escorted me in and walked away to go and get Tiffany to escort her in to me, and the way Tiffany looked when those doors were opened. She was a beautiful princess! I will never forget it.

20 Winning Relationship Tips Black Lesbian Couples Can Learn From The Super Bowl

Melissa Henry is a football player with the London Warriors AFC.
Melissa Henry is from london and plays American football.

Relationships just like football is a full contact sport, so proper equipment is key. Model: Melissa Henry plays for the London Warriors AFC Women.

Written by Zamara Perri

Every January or February millions of Americans gather around their TVS to watch the Super Bowl. This year is extra special because it’s the golden anniversary of the game. Super Bowl 50 is a big freaking deal. And if you’re a black lesbian who expects your relationship to last past 50 days, 50 weeks or 50 months, here are some great relationship tips to steal from the big game:

  1. Pick the best teammate. If you want to win you can’t just pick some random person because you’re bored or lonely. That’s not how winning the Super Bowl works and that’s not how having a long lasting relationship works. You have to pick someone who can be your MVP, your ride or die, your Cam Newton to your Jonathan Stewart.
  2. Team work makes the dream work. Members of the same football team don’t just wear the same uniforms, they play the part. Their goal is to score the most and crush the defense. In a relationship, if you can’t work together, then you can’t win the game much less make it to the super bowl.
  3. Take a time out. Sometimes a time out is the best way to save your relationship. Instead of having a heated argument or saying something that you’ll regret later, take a break.
  4. Play hard. The same amount of people who say they are interested in being great football players is probably equal to the same amount who say they want to be in great relationships. But honestly, the divorce rate is more than 50 percent and less than a tenth of 1 percent of the American public ever play in the big game. Why is that? You don’t get to be Super Bowl by being average. No body would be interested in watching the mediocre bowl. If you’re not committed to doing the hard work of a relationship, then you should probably just stick to being a spectator.
  5. Respect the sport ahem I mean your relationship. Americans love football almost as much as they love, love. You can’t really tell any real football fan about their team. Treat your relationship the same way you treat your love for your team, with reverence. No one should ever get away with disrespecting your lady when you respect your relationship.
  6. Keep score. If the goal is to win the game (or for the relationship to last), you should be consciously making an effort to put a smile on your lady’s face each day. Every smile you put on her face can add days, weeks, months and eventually years to your relationship.
  7. Know how to intercept trouble, hard times and temptations. A great team works together to deal with stress, financial challenges, flirty women, aggressive studs, unsupportive family, etc.
  8. Everyone needs a great coach (or therapist). The coach is sometimes able to see things from a different perspective, so don’t be afraid to seek counseling!
  9. It’s crucial to have people who are cheering for you whether that be fans or cheerleaders. Nuff said.
  10. Reward each other for doing a good job. The winners of the super bowl may get a nice trophy, money and other prizes and why shouldn’t you? Happy black lesbian relationships should be celebrated too! Surprise each other with little gifts, especially now that we’re in Valentine’s Day season. Give her a foot rub, a card or splurge on a vacation.
  11. Some people may think certain gender roles (or positions) are more important than the others, but guess what, that’s not true! The quarterback can’t win the game by himself, so stop all that noise pitting studs against femmes in the role super bowl! All that most lesbians are looking for is a woman who can hold her down.
  12. Know the playbook. Every relationship has its own playbook and in it are the rules that all the team members agree to play by. Know the rules and don’t act brand new, when your boo calls a particular emergency play.
  13. Celebrate each touch down and dance like crazy in the end zone. That means any milestones like anniversaries should be celebrated in a big way because it is a big deal.
  14. Fumbles will happen, but that doesn’t mean the game is over. Shit happens. That’s life. Sometimes you mess up or she messes up. It doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. No relationship is perfect. The sooner you accept that, the faster your relationship will recover from a setback.
  15. It’s never too later to win. One of the most exhilarating and infuriating thing about football is that you can win and lose by a mere few seconds. If you’re both playing to win, you can always find a way to make that nail-biting touch down or field goal.
  16. Don’t be like a football fan. Even when it is clear that your team sucks and have an racially offensive name (aka the Redskins), sometimes it’s best to just give up. Most teams have back up players for a reason, and a smart coach doesn’t keep a player who is not physically able in the game because that’s torture. Some lesbians don’t always know when to let go of a relationship. I say do it before there are life-impacting injuries.
  17. Know when to hand off the ball, throw it or run with it. Not all relationship issues need to be handled the same way. Studs, sometimes you have hand the ball off to your wife so she can handle business. Over time a great player learns the game well enough to know, which move is likely to result in a win, tie or a loss.
  18. The best defense is a great offense. Great players actually execute plays, they don’t just spend all their time in defense mode. The same thing happens in great relationships, the team members make a plan and execute it. If you want your relationship to be infidelity proof, you don’t spent time fending off advances from other women with a smile and by being friendly, you shore up your relationship and shut the other woman down for her shady behavior.
  19. Proper gear is crucial. Helmets, shoulder pads, ribcage protectors, cleats etc. are crucial. Relationships are no joke. All couples should engage in honest conversations because that builds trust, which is a key equipment for protecting your relationship.
  20. It’s a game, so have fun! Relationships should be fun. It may have a serious element to it, but at the end of the day, relationships are supposed to enhance your life! Remember how you got butterflies in your stomach the first time you discovered football? You can have the same feelings with your partner if you follow these 20 tips.

P.s. I really don’t know anything about football, but had a lot of fun creating this list.

Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: My Partner’s “Wife” Doesn’t Even Want Her

Lesbian catches girlfriend cheating so she grabs a gun.

Is emotional cheating the same as physical cheating? Photo by Q. Oliver.

Dear Lesbian Love and Advice: Can I get some advice? My stud says she loves me, but she says she thinks someone else may be her soul mate. She has referred to this other woman as her “wife.” However, this other woman won’t even talk to her! I feel like she’s only with me for now, but if the other woman were to suddenly show up and declare her love for stud, my stud would leave me in a New York minute. I’m torn, heartbroken and weary of it all.

 

Elysa’s Advice: You have to stop referring to her as “yours.” She is not, nor has she ever been yours. Settling for someone’s leftover emotions is ridiculous. If you knew all of this but decided to stay anyway, it is not “your” stud’s fault that you are torn, heartbroken and weary. Find someone who is really yours.

 

Gibson’s Advice: Hold up! Time out! You’re not looking out for red flags! That’s one right there. You can get over hurt, but you can neva get back wasted time! Go hunny! It’s only February. Why keep going into the new year with something wrong when you can make it right? From the words of the song in Frozen, “Let it go! Let it go!”

 

Raquel’s Advice: Look at your instincts, look at what your body is telling you. You are torn, heartbroken and weary. You KNOW that she is into someone else, so the ball is in your court. What are you going to do about it? Stay and further invest in this relationship, where she might leave? Or put God first and love yourself, and maybe realize that this relationship will never be fully be what you want it to be? Protect your heart. You have a decision to make.

 

Venessa’s Advice: I’m really not sure where the confusion is. If she isn’t joking, why be with someone that doesn’t value you enough? Why would you be with someone that thinks of you that way? Settling for what you can get is a little ridiculous. Why would people rather be in a relationship where they’re second guessing themselves? Learn to love yourself single then you’ll find someone worth your time.


Dear Lesbian Love and Advice  shares the most interesting questions and advice from Facebook.com/LesbianLoveAdvice. The questions and responses have been reprinted with permission.