Your New Year’s Resolution: Break Up With Your Girlfriend


Written by Giselle Bella

You’ve gotten to the end of the relationship and you know it. You’ve invested your time, your energy, your love and yourself into this relationship but it has not satisfied your desire. It does not fulfill your purpose. It does not meet your vision. You’ve loved each other as best as you could. You’ve disliked each other for a while but tolerated each other for the sake of the relationship. It is time to move on. It is time to call it quits without the drama of shame and hurt.

Not every relationship lasts and that's okay.

Not every relationship lasts and that’s okay.

How do you do that without further breaking her heart and compromising your boundaries?

Easy, you break up.

You don’t separate, you don’t take time off, you leave. You leave your partner and the relationship you had. You let it all go. You don’t complicate things by running into the arms of another woman, you don’t cause drama by leaving in the middle the night or without a clue.

Here are nine tips to calling quits and leaving the relationship without unresolved issues.

  1. Before you make this final decision, be sure that this is what you want.
  2. Know that you and/or her will feel sadness.
  3. Tell her how you feel and what you want. Refrain from telling her about herself and what she has or has not done. Remember, this is something you want, so explain your decision. Do it without pointing a finger (or two).
  4. Choose your words wisely. Don’t sugar coat anything but don’t be brutal. The fact that you are breaking up is bad enough for her.
  5. Communicate clearly to her that the relationship is over. This is the end. This is complete. Do not talk to her in a way that leaves room for a possible reunion. That means, let her know you are not seeking to be separated but to break up. Don’t tell her you need time and you will see from there. That is a no-no when breaking up. You’ve given this much thought and you are content with ending the relationship. End it there.
  6. Make it direct and short. You don’t need to reminisce about your past, review your current issues and assuage what the outcome will be. Tell her your decision and remain with it.
  7. Be prepared that this may not be what she wants. She may attempt everything to get you to give it another shot. The way you show up and the energy you bring will steer where she may go with it. When you notice she is trying to get you to stay, stop arguing with her, pointing out her behavior and blaming her.
  8. Know that it is not your position to comfort her and validate her feelings. Allow her to deal with her loss without you. You deal with your loss without her. If you console each other, you will only cause confusion.
  9. Set your boundaries and respect them.

Breaking up is never quite easy, but once you’ve given it thought and have come to that end of the road, you must see it through. Just remember that you once loved this person enough to build on a life together. Therefore, treat her as if you once loved her and let her go respectfully. I know you may say, that this does not apply to you because she wouldn’t give you the same courtesy, but keep in mind that cosmic karma is real.

Before things get worse, break things off when you know it is what’s best. Let go of all relationships that do not serve you and begin to love yourself. See what happens from there.

Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She has published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss

Three Things I Learned From Kidnapping my Partner for Christmas

lesbian rainbow ornament
Photos from a black lesbian couple's christmas at the beach

My honey and I are not the traditional type and neither was our Christmas vacation.

Written by Zamara Perri

My honey and I knew it was not going to be a great Christmas. It was around 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve and my partner had been watching a movie downstairs while I was upstairs unable to sleep. I got up, threw on some tights, a tank top and a sweater then asked her to go for a ride with me.

I didn’t tell her what I had planned, but I made sure that we stopped by the gas station to fill up. Then we got on the highway. I asked her if she wanted to drive to New York, Washington, D.C., or to Maryland’s Eastern Shore. We finally decided to head toward the Eastern Shore as it was closer to our home in Baltimore. That began our very unorthodox Christmas.

Despite all the cheer and family fun they show on TV, Christmas can be a time of anxiety and stress for millions of people and it is no different for some of my fellow black lesbians. Last year, my honey spent Christmas with my family. They were not the most welcoming so she felt uncomfortable. This year we talked about inviting my mom and the rest of the family over for dinner, but they backed out. We were not big on going all out for the holidays and decided to spend a quiet holiday at home.

We ended up getting into a fight and so we weren’t feeling particularly jolly. I knew we needed a change of scenery. As we drove, she fell asleep. When she woke up it was midnight and I said, “Surprise! We are getting a hotel for the night.” At first she seemed confused, but is the adventurous type and decided to go with the flow.

We checked into a small hotel facing the water. Luckily because the hotel was pretty empty for the night, we were able get to a king-sized bedroom with a huge Jacuzzi tub and views of the water. We fell into a big, beautiful, super comfortable bed and slept peacefully. My partner, who normally has trouble sleeping, stayed asleep until around 9.

On Christmas morning, I went downstairs to the complementary breakfast buffet and brought us back toast, bagels, eggs, fruit, juice and coffee. Breakfast in bed was heavenly! Later on we got into the Jacuzzi together, which was amazing! We literally just relaxed all day. We only left the hotel to forage for Christmas dinner. She had Chinese and I had Indian food and we shared a bottle of wine.

My partner accused me of kidnapping her, but in the end agreed that our little getaway made for a great Christmas. During those two days, I learned the following invaluable lessons:


  1. A happy Christmas does not have to involve a lot of chaos and biological family. In her case, her biological family lives far away from her. In my case, my conservative family is still adjusting to the knowledge that I’m a lesbian. Forcing ourselves to participate in a traditional family Christmas setting would not have been fun for either of us. We had so much more fun hanging out in a hotel suite on Christmas in a near empty hotel.
  2. Unplugging is a great way to recharge your relationship. My partner, who loves Facebook and takes a lot of business calls from morning until night, left her phone at home. I stayed off Facebook, didn’t return any phone calls and only a few text messages. Because of that, we were able to talk to each other, uninterrupted, about some really important issues that we hadn’t taken time to address.
  3. Vacations can help keep relationships healthy. To be quite honest, my honey and I talk about having date days, but often other things get in the way. Being alone gave us time to open up and hear each other. Getting out of our home, away our friends, family and other distractions showed us just how important it is for us to relax and have fun with each other. She loved being surprised! We are already planning to go away for next Christmas and are going to make sure we enjoy a couples-only, getaway weekend every quarter.


Instead of getting lost in the hustle and bustle of doing Christmas the way everyone else expected us to, our non-traditional Christmas reminded me of why I love this woman and definitely drew us closer.

We’d love to know how you spent your Christmas. Tell us in the comments below!

11 Reasons Black Lesbians Can’t Find a Good Woman

Written by Zamara Perri

Your actions are most likely telling women to stay away.

Your actions are most likely telling women to stay away. Photo by Monica Moraru

  1. You don’t take care of yourself. The way you present yourself to the world is important. You often won’t have a second chance to make a first impression. You may think of it as being superficial, but it’s truly not. It’s a signal of how much you value yourself. If you take care of yourself emotionally, physically and mentally it often shows on the outside.
  2. You have an attitude. No matter how cute you are or how much professional success you have, nobody wants to put up with a woman who has a nasty attitude. Swag is cute and all, but if you don’t treat women with RESPECT, then don’t be surprised that you’re alone.
  3. You don’t see her because she doesn’t look how you want her to. Attraction is definitely important in romantic relationships, but sometimes you automatically dismiss potential mates without even realizing it. You’re busy judging her because she has a kid, dated men in the past or is doing a job that doesn’t make enough money for you. Or maybe she’s older or looks like a stud and you’re only interested in femmes.
  4. You’re looking in the wrong place. If you’re in a small town, your soul mate is most likely not next door. So open your mind to traveling for love. Try online dating and be open to a long distance relationship.
  5. You’re not looking at all. You expect her to magically show up on your doorstep without doing any work. And I’m talking to you femmes who are always waiting for a stud to approach you. Smile, flirt or buy her a drink.
  6. You complain about being single too much. Our thoughts create our reality. Once you say you can’t find a good woman, you’re letting the universe know that you don’t want a good woman. Talk about what you want, not what you don’t have.
  7. You’re not ready for true commitment. You’re petty af, not ready to compromise and have a rigid views of relationships and gender roles.
  8. You’ve got baggage and you think someone else will distract you from solving your own issues or will magically fix all your problems. A grown woman doesn’t find that cute in the least.
  9. You’re not done learning how to be in relationship or be alone. I never think of any relationship as a waste but as a lesson. I learned important lessons in bad relationships and while single so I could be my best self in my best relationship. Relationships mirror of what is happening inside you. They aren’t about the other person they are about you.
  10. You have no life and interests of your own. People find passion and goals attractive. Women who have nothing that excites them are boring.
  11. You don’t know what you truly want. You say you want a committed relationship but keep entertaining women who don’t want the same thing. When your words, body and spirit are aligned, you’ll accept no less than what you deserve. And a real woman who is on your level will find you irresistible.

My Grown Woman Christmas List

black lesbian couple kissing while son makes face
Black lesbian couple with son.

A truly happy holiday comes from being part of a loving family*.

Written by Skye Jones

Christmas is coming up and most lesbians are stressed about what they should buy for their partners, wives or girlfriends. I’m not worried about gifts and neither is my wife. People often don’t believe that in the years that I’ve known my wife I’ve NOT once looked for her to buy me anything. Not on birthdays, Christmas or Valentine’s Day. Never.

Anytime she asks what I want, I honestly respond, “Nothing.” Why? Because the things that are most important to me, she busts her ass on two jobs to get done. Our bills are paid, and they are paid before time, not on time.


Her Priceless Gifts

All I want is stability, honesty and faithfulness. My wife has helped me believe in true love again. No argument, no amount of money or lack of money could ever change that belief.

It feels so good to wake up and not wonder who texted her, where she is going and where she was. I wanted peace, and I have it. It’s one of the biggest gifts anyone could give, and the one we both treasure and protect the most.


So if her money is low and there’s not a gift on Christmas or Valentine’s Day, I really would not care. As long as she’s by my side and our bills are paid, my attitude doesn’t change.

Ask my wife and she’ll tell you that it’s the same thing for her. For her the best gift she has ever gotten from me is “the gift of knowing someone can love me for me. If I’m broke, between jobs, feeling down, I know that she loves me despite it all, unconditionally!”


She Wants to Give Me the World

My wife does a lot of sweet things that I appreciate. But her reason is because I don’t demand it or want it, so it makes her want to give me the world.

Ladies, we get so caught up in “you don’t do,” that we neglect to see what is being done. If you think small, that’s all you will have. Purse, shoes and a night on the town? That’s cute. But, if you work with her, life gets bigger, better and above average. Those are grown woman goals and grown woman gifts.

Alisha and Skye shared their love story with us in an article titled A Beautiful Mind and Her Good Luck Charm.

*When possible we give credit and identify the models in every photo. If you know the names of the persons pictured in this photo, please contact us and we will correctly credit them.

Dear Lesbian Love & Advice: My Dom Wants the Weekends Off

It's okay to take time a part from your partner but is two days too much? Model: Tre Danielles; Photo by Lindsay Elliott

It’s okay to take time a part from your partner but is two days too much?
Model: Tre Danielles; Photo by Lindsay Elliott

Dear Lesbian Love and Advice: I’m a femme and my girl is a stud. We live together and are best friends. For some reason we argue a lot and we think it’s because we are always together. About a week ago, we had a big argument that caused me to leave our home. She slept out as well.


About four days after the argument, we ended up back together, and the sex, love, conversations, emotional and physical vibes was there. Today she says to me, “I think we should spend two days a week apart, because I need space.”

Now I’m the type of person that love attention from my girlfriend. I do not see shit wrong with that. But, she on the other hand needs space.

We LIVE TOGETHER why would I want to spend days apart from her if I love and care about her? How am I supposed to marry her and have a family with her if she can’t even be with me for a whole week?

Once she said that, I had an attitude. She said she thinks I’m giving up on us, but I’m not; I’m trying to compromise, but I think that’s crazy as hell. Can we work this out? I need advice, please


JL’s Advice: I’ve been there before. From my own situation, it may have nothing to do with you, she just wants some time apart because being together 100 percent of the time does get a bit old. My lady and I have a big house, and we spend time apart in the house doing our own thing. Our work is our time away as well because we’re on different schedules. We don’t watch the same shows and barely have much in common, but we still work well together. Maybe you need a date night or just a day or two away. Hope this helps.


Demi’s Advice: Married people don’t take days off or sleep somewhere outside of their home. This woman isn’t for you, period. She is too selfish to be in a relationship. What is she going to do if you two get married and have kids? Is she going to take time off from the kids as well?

Some women are simply too stupid to be in a relationship with. I think the truth is you are not the one she desires to be in a marriage with. It shouldn’t be this hard to live with the person you love.

‪This is an example of the hole lesbians trap themselves in with the “I treat my mate like I would treat my bff” crap. You should always behave better for your mate. You should never water down the standards so low that you both think “anything goes and anything can be said or done.”

You need to always speak and respond to your mate in a special way because she’s not a friend, sibling, or cousin. Don’t make the mistake of being too cool with each other. There are lines there for a REASON. For example: You don’t always have to be polite to your sister and she will still love you. You can’t do that in a relationship. In a relationship, you always have to be polite or the person may drop you for a woman who has better manners than you. In others words, never get too comfortable to think a mate will always put up with all of your crap.

Yve’s Advice: It is fine to have space. It’s just the style of space needed should fit your situation. Maybe two days is a bit much. Maybe take a Sunday fun day separately? But lay out the criteria you both need:

“Is it ok for me to text you to let you know I care?”

“If we are apart, don’t make plans for us to meet up because I’ll look forward to it and if you change your mind it would hurt my feelings.”

“Are you going to be staying at someone’s house or are we going to be doing our separate things and coming home together at the same time?”

These questions are critical so confusion and uneasiness doesn’t happen later.


Dear Lesbian Love and Advice  shares the most interesting questions and advice from The questions and responses have been reprinted with permission.

Alisha & Skye: A Beautiful Mind and Her Good Luck Charm

Skye and Alisha selfie
Skye and Alisha selfie

Skye and Alisha Jones’ love grew out of honest conversation.

Skye Jones daily doles out wisdom on life, spirituality, family and love to her hundreds of followers on Facebook. Her outlook on life and the obvious love she has for her wife, Alisha, and daughter, Jada, is so inspiring and a reminder to all black lesbians to never give up on having the life of our dreams. The couple graciously took time to talk with us about how they built their love and life together:

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): How did you two meet?

Skye: We actually met on Facebook. We were Facebook friends for a while and one day Alisha posted that she was bored, I was new to Raleigh N.C., so I [messaged] her. We talked through inbox a few times. I made it known I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and neither was she. We eventually exchanged numbers, she would call and text, we would speak briefly about our day.

As time passed, she began to ask if we could hang out, I was skeptical. After a few months passed, one night I finally said, yes. The next afternoon she came over, I was having a BAD day, and in a place in my life where I didn’t care what she or anyone thought of me. So of course I had on an old T-shirt and sweats, hair was all over my head. I opened the door, when I saw her my heart skipped a beat. All I could think was, “Dang she sexy.”


Alisha aka AJ: Everything she wrote is true, my first thought when she opened the door, was, “Finally I get to meet the woman with the beautiful mind.” I still don’t remember the sweats or the T-shirt. The front room didn’t have much light so when she turned the lights on, the first thing I saw was her beautiful eyes. Then I got very nervous, because I knew I didn’t want to mess this up.


Skye: She ended up staying the night. She held me in a way that I had never been held before. She never rushed or even mentioned sex; it took us a while to get to that point. We talked about things that probably shouldn’t have been discussed on the first meeting. Things like hurt from past relationships and family. But it actually set the tone for where we are today. From that first night she stayed with me she has literally been in my bed, now our bed, every single night. She never went home. We both laugh because that’s something we’ve NEVER done.


BL3: What attracted you to each other?

Alisha: Her mind, her conversation. I never met someone who looks at life the way she does. It’s almost like something off of the television. She’s the biggest dreamer I’ve ever met, but not only does she dream she goes out and tries to make all her dreams come true, and does well at it. But to top it off she dreams, then pushes me to dream, and won’t take no for an answer. That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Skye: Her conversation, we could talk, and still talk for hours about any and everything. She knows a little about everything, and I LOVE IT!! I’m a talker, and a dreamer. Good looks will get my attention but great conversation and intelligence will keep me. That was very hard for me to come across before meeting her. She’s also super corny (lol) and I mean that in a sweet way. She is such a cornball, but it’s cute and is 95 percent of the reason we laugh as much as we do.


BL3: What was your first date like?

Skye: She picked me up, right after work from my apartment. It was summer time, all I had time for was a quick change of shoes into some flip flops. She had her dog in the car, she drove us to the park, we walked around the lake, stopped to feed the ducks and we laughed.


I was in a bad place in my life before meeting her. We both went through terrible breakups. But she was always smiling ear to ear when she saw me, and I was still skeptical. She grabbed my hand, asked if I was ok, I answered yes. She stopped and hugged me, and said, “I don’t want to scare you. But I’m going to marry you one day.” My thoughts were, “Umm hmm ok let’s just get to the next day first lol.” She said this a lot through out the time we dated.


Alisha: Yes our first date was exactly how she said it. We walked around the park, I held her hand; it was perfect. Even though I went through a bad break up, there was something about her that made me not even care or think about the past anymore.


All I knew is I wanted her, and was going to do whatever it took to get and keep her.


We both had been hurt, I was glad we experienced that. Because I knew I could love her past any hurt someone else caused her; I wanted to make sure she felt the same. And when she spoke I knew she was the one, and was tired of games, all she wanted was something and someone real.


BL3: How long have you been together?  

Skye and Alisha: We officially started dating April 1, 2012. But even before making it official it was just the two of us. We didn’t see other people, didn’t have outsiders calling our phone, we just didn’t have a title. But after the title, nothing changed we were already doing the things couples should do.


BL3: What do you love about each other?

Skye: I love that she took the time to get to know me, and now understands me in a way no one ever has. She fights for us, no matter how tough things get, she’s right there ready to do whatever we need to do to make things better.

I love that love can be seen in her eyes, and through her actions. She tells me every day, but even if she didn’t I can always see it when I look at her. I know that sounds cliché or like a story from TV but its the absolute truth, and the first time in my life I’ve ever seen love in someone eyes. I look at her sometimes, and before she can say anything I say, “You love me.” And that’s me not asking but telling her, because it’s so clear.


Alisha: I love that she pushes herself, me our entire family to be the very best. She reminds us each day how important having a relationship with God is. She went from a dark place, and now she is the most positive person I know.

She sees greatness in herself and me, this woman believes and will make you believe that you can do whatever in life you want to do, and if you tell her “no,” with time she will truly prove you wrong. Some people have a rabbit’s foot, but she’s my good luck charm. Being around her, I’ve witnessed great things happen. I never thought in a million years I’d be this person. She changed my way of thinking, and how I see life.

Next, the couple talks about their marriage and adopting a little girl.

What Every Black Femme Fears When Dating a Black Butch

Written by Zamara Perri

Loving a woman who presents as a butch can be so difficult. Photo by yngcreoleking. Model: brklynbreed

Loving a woman who presents as a butch can be so difficult. Photo by yngcreoleking. Model: brklynbreed

There was a reason why it took me years to get around to dating a butch. I told myself that I just wasn’t ready to be out. That is partially true. The real reason? I just wasn’t ready to live in a world where my butch partner would be threatened every time we walked down the street hand in hand. This is something I never had to worry about with my femme partners.

There are privileges that I get from being a femme and being with a femme. For example, my car has broken down on the side of the road several times and I have never had to wave anyone down. I’ve simply had men change my tires and all I had to do was bat my eyelashes and smile and be friendly. A butch woman cannot depend on the kindness of heterosexual, male strangers.

Plus, two femmes together is a sexual fantasy for most straight men and they often imagine that they can join in.



The #BlackLivesMatter movement has shed a much needed light on how brutal and unsafe life in America is for black men, black trans women and of course black cis women. However, I believe black butches face equal, if not a higher risk of dangerous encounters than black cis men. They need a hashtag too!

Just by living in their truth black butch women (black studs, black doms, black tomobois, black masculine of center women or whatever label you want to use) risk being victimized by some insecure heterosexist male asshole who sees her as a threat to his own masculinity.

One of the most dangerous thing to do in in front of a heterosexist man is to be an openly stud-femme couple. Men like these tie their manhood to subjugating women and collecting women’s affection like trophies. Because black lesbians are not interested in doing either, our relationships challenge their notion that they are God’s gift to women.


The Justice System Can’t Save Us

And to add insult to injury, you can’t even rely on police or the justice system to prosecute wrongdoers or protect us from harm.

I constantly worry about the safety of my 5’2”-145-pound partner who is a tomboi type. She wears hoodies and sweatpants regularly and is the sweetest person. But the insecure heterosexist, homophobic men who see her coming don’t know that and don’t need to know that.

Over and over again, my heart breaks as I watch men either disregard her or get super aggressive with her. I worry if she get’s home later than usual and she doesn’t check in en route. Because she’s a martial artist with a black belt, I don’t worry as much, but I still worry.


Our Experience With a Racist Homopobe

Femme women who have butch partners must understand how to support her woman. Photo by yngcreoleking. Model: brklynbreed

Femme women who have butch partners must understand how to support her woman. Photo by yngcreoleking. Model: brklynbreed

The double whammy is the white racist who is enraged by our pride, confidence and very comfortable existence in spaces that they think belongs only to them.

Just a week ago we were driving around the neighborhood where my partner started a new job. We were seated in our car, which was parked on a public street looking up some info on our iPad. This random white guy in a truck pulls up next to us and demands to know if we were soliciting. I still don’t know if he was asking us if we were prostitutes or selling Tupperware. She was sitting in the driver’s seat and responded no, that she was working. He then angrily demanded what she was doing there.

In that guy’s eyes he couldn’t imagine what legitimate reason we could possibly have for being in HIS neighborhood. In short, he was a George Zimmerman type—one of those dudes who takes it upon himself to police people who are not committing any criminal acts except the unspoken one of not belonging there.

Part of this was because we were black and I truly believe the other reason was because of how my partner presented. She was a black woman with short hair and wearing a sweatshirt so she was automatically suspicious. Even after she rolled down the window a crack, and he could tell by her voice and demeanor that she was a woman, she was still a threat.


Femmes, Don’t Do What I Did

She ignored him, because she was used to it, but my blood was boiling and I flipped him the bird. I’m one of those women who gets mighty protective of my partner. I really don’t care who you are and how much bigger than me or how intimidating you are, I feel like if you’re coming after my woman then you are coming after me. Is that smart? No.

But, just like black parents have had to talk to their sons about how to move through the world as black boys, so should black lesbian couples, especially couples that include at least one butch-presenting woman.


How to Handle Aggressive, Homophobic Men

Here are my tips on how you can handle aggressive, homophobic men who think us living our truth is a personal insult to them:

  1. Be alert when out and about. Take stock of your surroundings. While you might want to engage in some PDA with your honey, timing is everything.
  2. Go back in the closet even for a short while. If you’re not in a well-lit area with tons of witnesses, it may be better to choose your battles and get to a safe location.
  3. The cops are not your friends so don’t rely on them to do the right thing and protect you even though your tax dollars pay their bills. Stand at a safe distance and record as much on your phone as possible. And report the cop if he shows any signs of disrespect.
  4. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If a jerk tries to engage with your or your partner in a sexual or aggressive manner, don’t antagonize him by telling him his dick is too small for you, just quickly move on to your next location.
  5. Get to know your neighbors. Nosy neighbors can be a godsend when they notice you haven’t been around, when losers try to assassinate your character or when the police needs to be called.
  6. If you don’t live together, check in with your parnter once you get to your destination or your home.

A Lesbian Relationship Coach Shares Tips for Choosing Your Best Mate

Written by Tina Owens

Christy and Tina

Christy and Tina were photographed by Brandilynn Aines Photography.

I use to believe there was only one true love for us but I no longer believe that. I say that because when I was in college, I thought I had met THE ONE!

There was a guy (before I realized I was really a lesbian) who was very inspirational in my life my first year of college. The guy and I spent a lot of time together and we both started having feelings for each other. He was the first person I took home to meet my mom and my friends loved him. We had God and the passion for helping others in common.

The problem was that he was graduating a few years before me and was moving back to California. I attempted to move to California a few times, yet it never worked out.

After that experience, I dated to find my husband. I knew what I wanted so I did not get past many first dates. At dinner I could tell whether we would be a good fit for each other so if we were not, we would never see each other again.

I got so discouraged because I had mastered being single and was ready to spend a lifetime with someone.

I finally realized the reason I was not choosing the best mate for myself is because I was looking for a man but should have been looking for a WOMAN.

When I started looking for the woman of my dreams, I was not as patient as I should have been.

Meeting The Love of My Life

I wanted my partner and I wanted her yesterday. I met Matres three months later and I must admit when I met her, I threw caution to the wind.

She was what I was looking for and I was ready to make love to her and get to the happily everlasting part as soon as possible.

We have now been together for over five years, but we have had to work through so many issues that should have been worked out in the early stages of our relationship.

Since Matres is attractive, a go-getter, has kids already, we both were ready for a long tem relationship, and are a great balance for each other, I figured every thing else were just details to be worked through.

I should have spent more time in the beginning building a friendship with Matres. We should have taken more time to work through our personality differences and learning more about each other’s past.

We have had to work through those things while living together (plus the stuff you have to work through when you actually live under the same roof).

Here are our tips for choosing the best mate for you:

  1. Make sure you know what you want when choosing your mate. Make a list of qualities that are truly important to you and make sure you have all your bases covered.
  1. Do not allow your attraction for your potential mate to cloud your judgment.
  2. Do not kiss or have sex too quickly. You may think that you’re in love and may just be in lust because of great sex.
  3. Even if she does meet everything on your list, still be patient and take your time.


Get to know your potential mate

You are looking to spend a long term or a lifetime with an awesome woman so do your due diligence as you look for the mate that is best for you.

Some relationships experts suggest that people get to know their mate for two to four years before making it permanent, and I agree!

Dr. Phil and his wife, Robin, waited three years before getting married because they wanted to work the kinks out of their relationship before they got married.

Finally, there are never any guarantees no matter how much preparation is made when choosing the mate that is best for you, but we can do our due diligence to make the best choice for ourselves to give the relationship a chance to last a lifetime.


Tina Owens is a black lesbian relationship coach, who blogs about life and relationships. This article was edited and republished here with permission.