I dated my lover for about 1 year. During our courtship, everything was eloquently going in the right direction. However, after a year and a half, I wanted a better commitment. She wasn’t ready, so I requested a split.
During the time we split, she engaged in an emotional connection with a young lady we both knew and hung out with while we were involved. The young lady is someone who had previously expressed to us both that she was attracted to my lover.
I could have moved past this, but my sticky issue was that she brought the young lady into my presence, after expressing her growing love for me. And after, we had talked about how much we love each other and could work on finding a way to make it work.
My lover paraded this other woman in an intimate way in my presence and that of my close friends and family. The people who knew us, checked with me to see if I was okay and to ask what was happening between us.
I felt embarrassed, to say the least. People saw, people knew and people would judge me.
We [my lover and I] were able to talk about this [Yes, I implement what I suggest] and are moving past it. One day at a time.
Recovering The Trust
For the first time, I am feeling distrust for someone I am seeing. Usually when a lover or partner takes advantage of me, through dishonesty, insolence, dishonor and cheating, I remove myself from the situation and never turn back. I have never turned back before.
This is new to me and it is also new emotional behavior.
I find that I question her loyalty, her integrity, her meaning, her purpose, her intentions – HER LOVE.
It has taken me weeks to get here, but I am acknowledging that I am letting my feelings play out, as they should. I feel distrust for a lover and that doesn’t mean I must relinquish our love. The embarrassment I felt had to do with self-pride not love. I knew that my distrust stemmed from a place that is not fair to her but most of all to ME. I deserve better than that from her but most of all, I deserve more than what little chances I was giving myself at love.
How was I to find strength within my love with another if I never endured through the lessons, which bring forth strength? I have to give love a fair chance and that includes remembering the cliché –“Love takes work. Love is not easy but it overcomes much.”
I have never allowed myself to feel or to be involved with someone while feeling anything that was not associated with LOVE. Or so I thought. I am in a place where I am not running from love in hopes that love will find me. What I mean, is that in love, we must work out some things. Yet, we must be supportive to ourselves and know the things, which need work and what kind of work we are to put in.
I lived my life and had partnerships where I tolerated no mistakes. I kept leaving lovers and partners because they made a mistake whether intentionally or not. I left them according to my standards, not that of love. This therefore, did not support me in growing nor learning through the failures and lessons associated with love. This only kept me running and looking for something perfect. I never allowed myself to feel an unfavored emotion toward a lover and grow from it. I shunned any emotions associated with loss, and that impeded my growth.
I am redoing love. We are both excellent beings and that makes us worthy of each other’s love and passion. We are both in a place where we work on ourselves wholly. We are mentally, emotionally and spiritually in the space where we can support and learn from each other. We are great partners. We implement everything we learn and work on moving forward not staying backwards. I am regaining my trust for her and understanding a better part of me. This is how love grows; this is how we flourish. This is part of what it means to walk in enlightenment and live in love. I finally comprehend that cliché.
Don’t get me misunderstood. I am no fool.
This is where I am. I love her. She loves me.
This means that I must work at our relationship. This means, I must put in the effort I request. This means I must show up in love and light and learn to forgive. That forgiveness starts with myself. Love is beautiful indeed.
My love to you,
Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss.