Christian School Rejects 5-Year-Old Because of Her Black Lesbian Moms

Sheena and LauShaune's 5-year-old daughter was kicked out of a Christian school in California.

Sheena and LauShaune’s 5-year-old daughter was kicked out of a Christian school in California.

When Sheena and LauShaune, a married black lesbian couple from San Diego, Calif., selected a school for their 5-year-old daughter to attend kindergarten this fall, they didn’t expect that she would be sent back home. After all, they had sent her to the same school, Mount Erie Christian Academy, for preschool and summer school without a problem.

According to KGTV, a pastor called the couple in on the Friday before Labor Day to let them know that their daughter would not be able to attend school there because of what the Bible says about homosexuality. The school, which is a private, religious institution has a First Amendment right to deny to anyone it deems unacceptable. Over the summer the school revised its handbook to explicitly exclude anyone “supporting sexual immorality; practicing homosexual lifestyle or alternative gender identity.”

Sheena said, “If we knew from the beginning that this was unacceptable, they didn’t condone or believe in [our relationship], if it was such a big deal, we would have never started her off there. I would never put my child’s emotional well-being in an unstable setting like that.”

The family is prepared to take the school to court and her case could go all the way to the Supreme Court. “I want my baby to be safe when she grows up. I don’t want her to ever have to be discriminated against because of her lifestyle. That’s not fair,” Sheena said.

 

 

 

 

I Don’t Like Straps: How I Cleared Up My Lesbian Sex Taboos

Written by Zamara Perri

Great sex is about much more than just opening your legs. It's about opening your mind. Photo: queenlioness.tumblr.com

Great sex is about much more than just opening your legs. It’s about opening your mind. Photo: queenlioness.tumblr.com

 

What is lesbian sex? My definition: Any physical activity between two or more women that results in pleasure and/or an orgasm. But I didn’t always think that way. For the longest time, I had very rigid ideas about what sex between women should look like.

So of course I almost lost my mind when one of my lesbian friends posted the following on Facebook: “Not every lesbian wants to rub pussies. Ewww.”

I thought about writing a very long post on her wall. But I decided to give some thought to why this annoyed me so much.

 

I realized I was annoyed because she took something that brings some lesbian couples pleasure and made it something nasty. That bothers me because there are many lesbians not having great sex because their partners or church or society or porn has dictated to them that pleasure has to look a certain way.

 

Guess what, whatever you and your woman do in the privacy of your own home for pleasure is really your fucking business. And whatever I do in my own home with my partner for pleasure is my fucking business.

 

However, I believe many black lesbians tend to be close-minded about sex just like we tend to be close-minded about gender roles. We all have sex acts that we have tried in the past and know from experience that we don’t really enjoy them. Others of us have never tried and would prefer to pass judgment.

 

I used to be one of those judgmental women. I’ve been lucky to have partners who were patient about my breaking my taboos. I also learned that there were things that I enjoyed doing with one partner and some things I didn’t enjoy with a different partner.

 

Here is how I dealt with three of my biggest taboos surrounding lesbian sex:

 

For the longest time, I really didn’t enjoy strap-ons while pretty much all of my girlfriends were geeked over the idea. For someone who was damn near a gold star, it was painful to say the least and since I don’t come from penetration, I thought it was pointless. Then I started dating a particular woman who had a collection of dildos. She was kind and gentle and encouraged me to try different sizes. That’s when I discovered that a smaller dildo worked best for me. I even started enjoying it especially when I discovered the joy of being on top. The funny thing about her though was that she did not want to be penetrated. Not even with a finger. She had spent so many years giving and didn’t know how to receive.

 

I also was not really into giving oral sex for the longest time. As a femme who dated more aggressive women, I got away with not giving for a long time. My aggressive femmes didn’t mind doing all the giving and I was safe. Then I started dating a stud who was very in touch with her feminine side and wanted reciprocation. I knew that I couldn’t continue being selfish. So I learned to please her in exactly the way she wanted me to and I ended up loving it. Frankly it came down to trust for me and once we established a trusting relationship, I truly enjoyed going down on her.

 

Then there was scissoring/grinding/tribbing. I actually enjoy scissoring and have ever since I was a kid. But I was so ashamed about doing this for the longest time that I rarely indulged with my girlfriends especially the ones who were focused on strapping. By the time I hit my 30s I started becoming more comfortable asking for what I wanted sexually and showing her how I liked it. Being vocal about my sexual needs made me feel so empowered and sexy. That also translated into a better sex life.

 

Over the years, I’ve learned a lot from my girlfriends. They helped open me up mentally, physically and emotionally to understanding that the ideas I had about lesbian sex didn’t apply to every relationship. They helped break me out of my box. They showed me how to be comfortable with myself, ask for what I wanted, learn what gives ME pleasure, and how to be an equally giving partner.

How to Make Her Fall for the Real You

Written by Miss Kitty

Show her the real you that's worth falling for. Photo: Sweet-Almond-Oil.tumblr.com

Show her the real you that’s worth falling for. Photo: Sweet-Almond-Oil.tumblr.com

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the sixth in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

 

Do you find yourself feeling extra sensitive with women, or maybe one specific woman you’re involved with? Yet somehow with other women you feel relaxed, easy-going, confident and happy in your own self? A lot of women feel “off-balance” when a woman they are attracted to is around, and often times they find themselves not acting the way they really wish they could.
Insecurities really have a way of showing up when you least expect them to. It doesn’t have to be that way. Wouldn’t it be great if you could be as much “yourself” with any woman as you are with your friends? Or with a woman you don’t have feelings for?

Women Don’t Like Bitches
Here’s something that can help you stay “in balance” no matter what’s going on around you. It’s easy to get extra sensitive when your picture of things gets small.
It can make you feel like you have to balance two extremes. We’ve seen just how easy it is to be labeled as either a “doormat” or a “bitch.” And we have this idea that women just seem to like those “bitches!”

The truth is, women don’t really like “bitches,” they like women who are real.

So let’s see how you can find a way to blend these two extremes into your life so that you can embrace both your natural, appealing “softness” and your “bitchiness” and still find a sense of peace, calm, strength and emotional softness somewhere in the middle.

What to Say When You Want More From Her
Let’s say you want something from the woman you’re currently seeing. Something like more affection, time or attention, but she’s acting distant and preoccupied.

Let’s say you’re feeling angry and aggravated, and scared that something’s going wrong in the relationship. Are you feeling that if you don’t speak up and ask for what you want you’re “too soft,” and if you do speak up and ask for what you want you’ll end up a “bitch”?

So, this is the first thing you can do:

Make fast, lasting and final peace with yourself that whatever you do or say, you will be okay with yourself, forgive yourself, and learn from the experience.

What this does is sets you up to succeed, and will help you with the fear.
Now we’re going to do a translation kind of “scripting” that will help you to feel stronger and more confident:

  1. Have a pen and notebook ready. Draw a line down the middle from top to bottom.
    2. Breathe deeply into your stomach area. Let go of all your muscles in your stomach and pelvis. Try to relax.
    3. On the paper, on the left side of the middle line, write down what you WANT to say to a woman. Take as many pieces of paper as you need, but stick to the left side of the paper.
    4. Now, look for criticism. Take a look at what you’ve written. I want you to
    catch yourself criticizing or judging yourself about every line, and catch whatever feeling each line brings up in you— anger, frustration, fear, a smile, whatever.
    5. Now really go for it. Some of what you’ve written will seem soft and doormat-like to you, and some of it will seem dramatic and bitchy to you. That’s good. Let it be “emotional.” If you want to attack, attack. If you want to “whine,” whine. Write down what you want to say about how you feel about each line you’ve already written! Notice if you’ve tried to be “logical.” If what you’ve written seems very “mind over heart-like” or there’s a lot of “explaining” or “convincing” or “telling” in there, really open up. Continue writing until you feel like you’ve said everything you really want to say.
    6. Translate. You’re going to take the criticism, the attack, the pain, the complaint, the explanations, and you’re going to translate them into “feeling” messages that will make up the “script” you’ll “deliver” to your special woman.

The simple act of writing this down will make it clear to you how you think, and how you normally, instinctively express yourself. And you’ll immediately see exactly why that isn’t working for you! As you actually speak the words of the script you’ve created from the “feeling” messages you’ve written on the right side of your paper, you’ll see right away exactly why and how my method really works!

­


 

MIss Kitty

Miss Kitty, a Miami, Fla. native, is a published author, poet and alternative healer. She is the author of the first queer pin up publication “Bombshells And Boi’s”. She writes from the perspective of a retro, old school femme. Visit her online bookstore today and explore her world of lesbian love, dating and marriage.

 

Interview With A Married Black Lesbian Swinger

For one black lesbian couple, having an open marriage is about having trust.

For one black lesbian couple, having an open marriage is about having trust.

Nikki and Dee Brooks have been together for six years, married for three. When it comes to either of them having sex with outside partners, Nikki explains that the rules are simple: “All parties involved must get regular check ups and prove our results in written doctors reports. We never do anything at our home. We take turns paying for hotels. We must discuss everything with each other before making outside plans. In other words, get approval. No spending the night out.”

The Brookses may seem like a typical black lesbian couple, but their open marriage makes them a little bit unusual. We spoke to Nikki about how they opened their marriage.

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): Tell us about yourselves.

Nikki: I’m 44 and my wife, Dee is 57. We live in Michigan. I’m Muslim and go to the mosque. Dee is not religious nor spiritual and doesn’t go to church. We both love sports and each other’s energy.
BL3: Have you been in open relationships before?

 

Nikki: I’ve never been a faithful type of person and I let people in the past know that I like to dip, so if you can hang, stay.

 

BL3: How did you broach the topic with Dee? Did you make it a condition of marriage?

Nikki: When I realized our sex drives were different, I sat her down and we agreed to be open. And no, this was not a condition of marriage.

 

BL3: Some people may wonder why you got married, if you wanted to have other sexual partners.

 

Nikki: I got married to her because she stole my heart and I wanted to be hers for life. What I do on the outside has no mental or emotional connection like I have with my wife.

 

BL3: But you don’t have to get married to be with someone for life.

Nikki: I don’t play house with nobody and she is my soul mate.

 

BL3: How long has it been since you opened up your marriage?

Nikki: It’s been open for two and a half years.

 

BL3: Does your wife ever engage with other women?
Nikki: We play together or with separate partners. Or we swing but that’s only a couple times a year.

BL3: What are some of the positives of having an open marriage?

Nikki: We have learned a lot about each other this way. It has opened up our communication skills 100%.

 

I can be me with not regrets, no consequences to face.

There aren’t any insecurities between us. Having an open marriage made us trust each other more, because there’s no sneaking and hiding of anything!

20 Ways to Win Her Back and Improve your Relationship

Written by Knowledge/ Stud With Swag

 

If you love her, don't let go. Photo courtesy of S.Blair.W of http://blameitonblair.tumblr.com

If you love her, don’t let go. Photo courtesy of S.Blair.W of http://blameitonblair.tumblr.com

1. Never stop dating and courting her. Do not take her presence in your life for granted.

2. Protect your heart and do not allow anyone else to enter except for her.

3. Fall in love with her over and over again.

4. Focus on the things you love about her. Realize that what you focus on will expand and if you focus on Love and Positivity that is what you will be consumed with. Eventually reaching a point where you no longer see anything but Love.

5. Understand that it is not your job to change or fix her. Your only job is to Love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. Not for you or anyone else. If she changes, Love what she becomes.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions. It is not your job to make her happy and you cannot make her sad. You are responsible for your own happiness and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your Love.

7. Take the blame for your anger or frustration. They are your emotions and your responsibility. Own them. When you feel that way, take the time to look within yourself and understand what you need to heal yourself from within.

8. When she is sad or upset it is not your job to fix it. It is your job to hold her and let her know it will be okay. To let you know that you hear her and you are on her side.

9. Be silly more often, and she will be silly with you. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Laugh every single day.

10. Understand, respect, and honor your love languages. Also, be Patient, Unjudging, and Supportive, always. Practice those things.

11. Turn off your phone when you spend time together, unless of course you’re taking selfies. Let her be your focus and have your complete, undivided attention. Be with her FULLY.

12. Be sexually dominant. Consume and devour her with your strength. Penetrate her to the deepest levels of your soul. Allow her to melt into her feminine softness and she will trust and love you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot, but I don’t be afraid of making mistakes either. Learn from the mistakes you make and do better the next time. Be open to constructive criticism and she will forgive you with love every time.

14. Give her S P A C E so you also have time to nurture yourself and feed your soul. So you can heal and re-center your balance. Always take time out for yourselves.

15. Don’t be afraid to open up more and share your deepest feelings. Strive with everything in you to be the open book she craves to read.

16. Be transparent. Especially those things you may not want to share. Open your heart and let her in. That takes courage, but that’s part of allowing her to love you completely; your darkness as well as your light.

17. Seek to find, cherish, and nurture your common goals, dreams and visions. She will support your dreams and aspirations with love.

18. Lessen your doubt and worry. Seek ways to work together as a team and to WIN together as a strong, cohesive unit. You are a TEAM.

19. Forgive and focus on the future. Do not allow the past to hold you hostage. FORGIVENESS is FREEDOM. Always choose Love and Light. Love always endures.

20. Honor and respect her hopes and dreams. Think before you act and consider her feelings as well as your own.

Love is as much about sacrifice and compromise as it is about fulfilling your needs. Be the change you want to see, feel and experience in your relationship.

Don’t forget to love yourself!

I Cheated on My Wife and Now We’re Stronger Than Ever

Written by Latoya Ellis

Amanda (left) and Latoya know that their love is worth fighting for.

Amanda (left) and Latoya know that their love is worth fighting for.

My wife, Amanda, and I have broken the rules from the very start. First, she was my boss when she approached me. Second, I was already in a relationship. Third, she wanted a commitment from the beginning. Fourth, although I cheated on her our marriage is stronger than ever.

 

In the eight years that we’ve been together, I’ve learned so much about real love from this amazing woman. I love everything about her. She has helped me to become a better person, and she has me looking forward to the future. She’s always been there for me since day one, no matter what. And she loves everything about me, from the way I look at her to the way I spoil her. There is just overall unconditional love between us.

 

I realized that I wanted to commit to her when I walked away from her for the first time. For two years I regretted leaving her.

 

When we got back together, it was because we knew we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. So we got married October 22, 2014.

Amanda and Latoya celebrate the one-year anniversary of their marriage this month.

Amanda and Latoya celebrate the one-year anniversary of their marriage this month.

Things were going great until I cheated at the beginning of the year. We were going through some things, and I was looking for attention.

 

Needless to say, I beat myself up about it a lot because I almost lost the love of my life. But I did not want to let my wife go and knew that to rebuild the trust between us would mean hard work.

 

Of course we argued. There was crying and yelling, but once things calmed down, we talked about what went on and why I was seeking that attention.

 

My Advice

 

My advice for couples that are tempted to cheat is, just don’t do it! You may think it’s okay to cheat for revenge but trust me when I tell you that it isn’t worth it!

 

If there are other lesbian couples reading this that are in the same situation as I was, keep the following in mind:

 

  1. Before you even think about doing it, ask yourself if cheating would help your relationship in any way. If the answer is that cheating would ruin your relationship, then don’t do it. Also put yourself in your partner’s shoes. How would you feel if you were cheated on?

 

  1. It’s hard to rebuild trust once it’s gone, but it’s not impossible. If you continue to show her that you love her and that you respect her and her feelings, then it will eventually come back.

 

  1. Most importantly communication is the key! If you can’t communicate with your partner about any and everything, then what’s the point? My wife taught that I needed to open up to her about things that concern me and that if I kept everything bottled up, we would get no where.

 

  1. Keep working on your relationship. The way I showed my wife that our love is worth fighting for is by showing and telling her everyday that I love her.

 

I want nothing more than to be with my wife! After doing the things that we needed to do to work on our marriage, we are now better than ever.

 


 

Latoya and Amanda live with their children in Austin, Texas.

Sappho’s Salon: Why We Date Younger Lesbians

Robin Roberts, a broadcast journalist who survived cancer twice, is 55 while her girlfriend Amber Laign is 14 years younger. Photo courtesy of US Magazine.

Robin Roberts, a broadcast journalist who survived cancer twice, is 55 while her girlfriend Amber Laign is 14 years younger. Photo courtesy of US Magazine.

 

Written by Soraya*

 

People are always surprised to hear me say this: I prefer to date younger women. You may think that I’m the superficial, Hugh Hefner type of lesbian who is looking to trade in a new model for someone younger, and you’d be wrong. The truth is that as a black lesbian who is active and athletic, younger women fit my lifestyle better.

I’m 45 years old and my partner is 10 years younger than me. And no, we’re not in the club every night and having sex like rabbits (although I have a high sex drive, hers is lower than mine). She is beautiful, smart, mature, self-aware, honest, plays no games and knows who she is and what she wants. If she had been my age when we met, I would have still found her attractive.

It’s not that I make it a point to go hunting for younger women to date. Historically, I’ve dated women my age or older. It’s just that I’ve always been active, progressive and passionate. As I get older, women my age tend to be more conservative, stop doing new things and frankly become boring. My life doesn’t end because I hit middle age. As a matter of fact, now that I’ve survived some difficult things in life, I’m even more committed to living the life that I truly want.

The type of women I find attractive really know how to enjoy life and really don’t care too much about what anybody thinks they should do, how they should behave and who they should date. So, over the past couple of years, I’ve found myself attracted to younger women.

I’m not the only mature lesbian who thinks this way. I asked three of my friends their opinions and this is what they had to say:

 

Pat: I’m 53 and I’m not dead yet but it seems like these women my age have nothing left to live for. I’m always on the move. I love going out and being social. I like women who can keep up with me. I’m not trying to spend all my time in church. Some of the women my age are trying to wife me up in a matter of days just so we can sit around on the sofa. No thanks, that’s not my idea of fun. So that kind of narrows down the dating pool for women my age. I’ve been spending a lot of time with a woman who is 20 years younger than me. She is active, fun and stylish. It’s nothing serious, but we have so much fun together. Don’t get me wrong, I want to settle down, but it’s got to be with someone who enjoys life as much as I do!

 

Lisa: I’m 61 and have been single for a good long time. The last woman to catch my eye was 20 years younger than me. I would love to have a partner but I’m in no rush to commit to the wrong one. I’m actually a homebody. I love my big circle of family and friends and I love cooking on the grill. I want to be with someone who thinks outside the box. One of the issues I have is that older black lesbians seem stuck on gender roles. I give off a stud vibe, but I really don’t care to be put into a box or labeled. I date femmes, studs, and no labels. I want a woman who will buy me flowers sometimes or pay for a date. Some find that unusual. Most lesbians my age don’t know what to do with me, so instead of dealing with someone who treats me like a man, I stay single.

 

Kat: I’m 67 and I’m flirting with a woman half my age. I have no shame. I did everything I was supposed to do in my previous, long term relationship with a woman my age. I got married, we raised a son and things still didn’t work out. I mourned my ex for 10 years. I wasn’t looking for anything when this fine young woman caught my eye. There is something about talking and flirting with her that makes me feel so good. She is a business owner, she’s sexy and she is interested in me. I don’t really know where things will go from here and I don’t care. All I know is that we have our first date this weekend and I can’t wait to spend more time with her.

 

So there you have it, we have spoken our truths and we don’t plan to change. We would never ask anyone to change who they are in order to be comfortable in a relationship. So go out and date who you want and enjoy life. We certainly are!

 

*Soraya and her friends prefer to only use their first names. 

Nikki & Amena Talk Shopping for Wedding Outfits from a Black Lesbian Perspective

Nikki and Amena shop for wedding outfits.

Nikki and Amena shop for wedding outfits.

Aside from the vows, the food and the partying, what wedding guests look forward to most at a wedding is the big reveal of the outfits. Like most lesbian couples, Nikki and Amena have had to, by default, adapt their wedding day to reflect their own new traditions. Before the two unveil their wedding day gear for their guests this weekend, they shared with us their thoughts on picking an outfit from the perspective of a black lesbian couple.

Black Lesbian Love Lab (BL3): Some women think and dream about their wedding day ever since they were little girls. Growing up lesbian, did either of you ever think about your wedding day? 

Nikki: Actually no, I was still stuck in la-la land and just being a kid.

Amena: I thought about it but it was not an every day thing. I am not the type of person that had every thing planned out before I was in a serious relationship. Getting an education, living and supporting myself on my own were the things I dreamed about as a kid.

BL3: Amena selected her wedding dress, long before you did, Nikki. As a woman with a more masculine gender presentation, what was shopping for your wedding outfit like?

Nikki: I had the year to plan, browse and really shop for what I want. It was also fun having family to help in the process. My cousin and my sister helped me pick out my outfit.

BL3: Do you have in mind what you want to wear on your wedding day?

Nikki: I do, but dare not share 😉

BL3: Amena, what kind of dresses did you look for?
Amena: When I went to look for dresses I was pretty open. I tried on several different types of dresses. I kind of thought I would end up in an off white or champagne color. I was surprised that these colors did not look that good on me. I also didn’t want a princess dress. The dress I chose is not a princess dress, but it is more poufy than I thought I would like.

BL3: Did either of you have any major concerns about your outfits?

Nikki: Always the look of the outfit, and how it will complement my shape and size. I won’t say my biggest concern is this, but I do think of how my *”broom’s” party will complement me. I am allowing the people in my broom’s party to purchase or rent their own outfits. I want to make sure that everyone’s colors are the same shade.
Amena: I wanted a dress that I felt comfortable in. I didn’t want it to be so flashy that [my family and friends] noticed the dress more than me.

BL3: Nikki, what is the most important feeling that you want to have when you look in the mirror on your wedding day?

Nikki: The feeling of looking sharp and a perfect reflection of the beautiful woman I’ll be marrying.

BL3: Any wedding outfit shopping tips for women who prefer a more masculine style of dress?

 

Nikki: For my fellow women who wear suits, go to a place that is gay friendly; it makes the experience more comfortable. I did go into one men’s store and the salesperson completely ignored me. I definitely felt why. If people don’t interact with you or you feel like they are treating you funny, leave. 

BL3: Amena, since this is a lesbian wedding, does the dress mean anything different in your opinion? Was dress shopping still exciting for you? Has Nikki seen the dress yet?

Amena: I don’t think it was much different for me than a straight bride. I think the fact that Nikki and I can get married legally plays into that. If this was not going to be a legal ceremony I may not have been as excited.

I was actually more excited and nervous than I thought. Wearing that dress makes it more real.

Nikki has not seen my dress and I have not seen her suit. We want that element of surprise. We will have a “first look” before the ceremony to see each other in our outfits. Not many people have seen my dress. I can’t wait to show it off on our big day!

*Broom is a mashup of bride and groom. Since Nikki is more of a tomboi, she chose to call herself a “broom.”

Dear Channing, You Deserve Better: How to End the Cycle of Bad Relationships

Toni Fields, plays the character of Channing in the Youtube series, studville.

Toni Fields, plays the character of Channing in the Youtube series, studville.

Written by Zamara Perri

I was one of the thousands of women who eagerly awaited the return of Studville, the Atlanta-based Youtube drama/comedy that follows the lives of four black lesbians and their partners. However, I was pretty disappointed to see that Channing, one of my favorite characters, had already fallen into another crazy relationship and we were only on episode three.

SPOILER ALERT: Let’s review Channing’s dating history. In season 1, she took care of a crazy woman and her children who threw gasoline on her, refused to work or clean, then proceeded to force Channing from her own home. In season 2, Channing dated a needy, whiny white girl who ended up cheating on her by sleeping with and getting pregnant by some dude. This season, Channing has been arrested because the woman she is dating hid her cocaine stash in Channing’s car.

I started thinking that maybe the show was portraying only dysfunctional black lesbian relationships to get more viewers. (And Channing’s storyline is not the only one that I’m giving the side eye to). However, the more time I spend in our communities, the more I realize that the show is based in reality. It seems like attractive, healthy, sweet, caring, professionally employed, god-fearing black lesbians like Channing are ONLY capable of attracting crazy, violent, drug abusing women.

Like Channing, some of us consistently leave one bad relationship only to end up in another. My message is for all the Channings out there: You can put a stop to bad relationships before they even get started.

The first thing you must understand is that, no one is truly immune from bad romantic relationships. We’ve all been there and done that.

Some of us don’t know when to walk away from these bad relationships because we don’t recognize what they are until we’ve already fallen head over heels in love.

Bad relationships don’t always include the most obvious bad behaviors like lying, cheating and beating. Sometimes the signs are a little bit more subtle, but they are there if we pay close attention.

Below are several steps for breaking the cycle of a bad relationship:

Know what you want from that special someone. This means you must dive beneath the surface. It’s good to know that you like a woman who looks a certain way or makes a certain amount of money. But go deeper. How do you want her to make you feel? How do you want her to treat you?

Make a list of your deal-breakers. What are the things that you will not put up with in a partner no matter how cute she is? The list should include: bad communication skills, emotional unavailability and dismissiveness. If you raise a valid concern, instead of copping to her own bad behavior, a dismissive women will tell you that you’re crazy or being silly.

Getting Naked: 12 Tips for Baring Your Soul to Your Partner

 

Don't avoid tough conversations in your relationship.

Don’t avoid tough conversations in your relationship.

Written by Zamara Perri

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the fifth in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.

You’re not happy with your sex life. Her children are rude as hell. She disrespected you some how. You’re feeling jealous or insecure about another person in her life. You want her to contribute more to the bills. Or you were snooping in her phone and discovered something shocking. Whatever it is, you now have to bite the bullet and have a tough conversation with your partner, wife or girlfriend.

You’d think it that if you can take off your clothes in front of her, it would be easy to have tough, awkward conversations with your woman. But in a lot of ways lesbians are no different than any other couple. We have the same fears and limitations as other couples do. Sharing how you truly feel especially about a difficult situation can be awkward. Scary. We worry about hurting her feelings or messing things up.

But what exactly are we messing up? Most of the times we are not fooling our partners because our actions often speak before our mouths do. And I get it.

I recently had one of the toughest conversations I ever had with my partner. I knew that keeping my concerns inside would only end up hurting the relationship. One of my biggest issues was just feeling like she was constantly reminding me that she didn’t need me.

So, I told her how her comments made me feel. And guess what, I found out that she had the same concerns about our relationship that she was too scared to share. And because we had that conversation, we got closer, which is what I wanted in the first place.

Here are my tips for black lesbians who need to have a difficult conversation with their partners but don’t know how:

  1. Realize that something has to change and be open to change. Know that change doesn’t have to be a bad thing. If the conversation is that difficult in the first place that is because there is a real problem that you must address.
  1. Tell her how her actions/the situation makes you feel. You can never go wrong sharing your feelings instead of attacking her. A good woman never wants to hurt you and will do her best to keep you happy.
  1. Place and timing is everything. Whatever the problem is, don’t bring it up when you’re angry and don’t blame her for everything. We all have a part to play in anything that happens in our lives—either we allow it or encourage it. Are you not happy with your sex life? Don’t bring this up when you’re having sex. That’s just awkward and insensitive. Pick a time and place where you won’t be interrupted.
  1. Show, not tell. Sometimes it is better to show someone how you want them to change something. My sensitive sweetheart has been such a great role model for me. One thing she is big on is speaking softly. She has shown me how to address her in a way that makes her feel loved. If you don’t like the way your partner performs oral sex, show her. If you don’t like the way she cooks your food, then you cook it.
  1. Find a solution together. Some problems are better solved together than alone. Whatever the issue is, think of it as an opportunity for you two to work together and brainstorm. You can often find a solution that works for you both.
  1. Get clear on what you want to talk about. If you’re upset about the way she disciplines your children, don’t bring up irrelevant stuff about how upset you are that she called you at work. That’ll only cloud the issue and lead to confusion. Focus.
  1. Get clear on why you want to talk about it even if it’s just for yourself. Dig deep. Figure out why this is an issue. If it’s a money issue, your concerns can stem from growing up in an unstable home where money was always a source of stress. By knowing why an issue is a stressor, you’ll be better to explain that to your partner.
  1. Get clear on how you want to approach the topic. Do you want to just sit her down and blurt it out? Do you want to start off by telling her how much you love and appreciate her? I recommend that you bring up something positive about the relationship and her before launching into the issue.
  1. Realize that this is not a one-time conversation. Sometimes it’s so hard for us to have difficult conversations because we treat them as precious and one-time events. But it really should happen effortlessly in daily conversation. Disagreeing with your partner doesn’t have to be a touchy scary thing. There are certain things that will keep coming up in your relationship because you’ve agreed to work on it. Frequently addressing an issue in with a problem-solving mindset can make certain conversations less scary. Doing this makes having hard conversation normal. And it makes it so that you build trust over time and it becomes easier to the point where you are never hesitant about bringing up an issue with your partner again.
  1. Be open to her not agreeing with you. You and your partner don’t have to agree about everything. But ask her to listen and be respectful and listen to her point of view, too.
  1. Try again. Don’t give up. Sometimes the first time you attempt a hard conversation can end in hurt feelings and even a fight. Sometimes the thing you wanted to communicate—which is your fear—comes out wrong and you don’t. But don’t give up. If you love her and want to be with her, don’t give up. Try again.

 

Genuinely honest conversations are a way for you to get naked with your partner without taking off your clothes. They are an opportunity to build understanding and intimacy. And if you are open and vulnerable about the hard stuff, then you can build trust which leads to confidence in the strength of your relationship.