We are not Freaks! Why We Love Being an Old School Butch-Femme Couple

Celebrating the old school butch-femme dynamic doesn't mean we are backward.  Image from The Watermelon Woman

Celebrating the old school butch-femme dynamic doesn’t mean we are backward. Image from The Watermelon Woman

Written by Miss Kitty

“My hard working Hersband will be coming home to a clean house, a wife showered and in a pretty new dress, and a southern belle-prepared dinner of baked chicken, pigeon peas and rice, collard greens, potato salad and a pineapple upside down cake (sugar free) for dessert! Following that up tonight with a romantic foot bath/massage. I feel bad that she doesn’t get much of a break from her busy work and school schedule, so she deserves it. Any little thing I can do to make her life easier or more pleasurable, that is my goal. Being her wife, I was made for it.” ~Miss Kitty

Look here, I do have respect for the “new school queers” who want to live genderless, gender fluid, role-less, label-less, etc., lives. That’s cool with me if that is who you truly identify as. That being said, you can live your lives without dogging and devaluing us old school butches and femmes.

We are not freaks. We are not close minded. We are not backwards. We are simply trying to be OURSELVES in peace.

 

That is the same thing that you claim to strive for. So many times I see comments like: “Neither one of us wears the pants. We are both equal,” or “We are both women,” or “We both work, cook, clean, yada, yada.” First of all, being a butch or femme does not make one inferior or superior to the other. We just have different energy types. One isn’t unequal to the other—that is just absurd ignorance.

The butch-femme dynamic has been around since the beginning of woman-to-woman love; just well hidden and repressed. But there, nonetheless. Second of all, women with predominantly masculine energy are still women, so I don’t see how that has anything to do with any valid point.

Sajdah Gold and Chanel Brown, who both appeared on the Real L Word, are a modern version of the butch-femme relationship.

Sajdah Gold and Chanel Brown, who both appeared on the Real L Word, are a modern version of the butch-femme relationship.

Plus, as for the “pants,” we all know straight women who rule over their pants-wearing husbands, which makes the whole pants comparison ridiculous. Lastly, earning money, cooking and cleaning can be done by anyone who wants a paycheck, food or a tidy house!

There are neat and clean butches and dirty and sloppy femmes. There are broke butches and wealthy femmes. There are butch chefs and femmes who can’t boil water. Stop with the crazy stereotypes and don’t use them to criticize the butch-femme dynamic! It doesn’t even make sense.

Some of us are 100% comfortable in how we are within our relationships and how we express our energy. Some people just happen to have a huge amount of feminine energy (like me) and some have more masculine.

Understand that within a butch-femme relationship, we perfectly complement each other and that works for us. It’s about the yin and the yang. I love and celebrate my femininity and trying to be anything else but who I am would be pure hell! So, leave us be.

I think there’s nothing more beautiful than diversity within our community. Be who you are proudly and unapologetically without being a queer elitist about it. In the end, we are all in the same rainbow boat.


MIss Kitty

Miss Kitty

Miss Kitty is an author, energy healer, tantric sex coach and modern day priestess! She writes under several pen names and is an imaginary architect, a literary traveler and erotic arts master. Her line of erotica is a sensual feast for the mind and body; which range from soft and deeply romantic to hardcore and kinky. Miss Kitty also has a selection of books on lesbian relationships, dating, magic spell work for love and sex and much more!  Click here to visit her Amazon bookstore.

About Our Love: Phoenyx & Sweetee

Phoenyx and Sweetee were married on March 3, 2011.

Phoenyx and Sweetee were married on March 3, 2011.

“True love is rare and elusive. It’s possible, you must be willing to put in the work. I always knew it existed. This world is so “me first” that it keeps some from finding love.

In this love, we have found flaws, but even greater- found the best in ourselves and each other.

We have sacrificed self at times to strengthen US! We have used every opportunity to give, which makes the reception even sweeter. Our love is one of the few things left in this lifetime that continues to grow, endure, and create. I’m a lifer and I live it! ”

The couple believes that "Marriage works!"

The couple believes that “Marriage works!”

 

Thou Shalt Not Talk About The Ex: A Southern Lesbian Talks First-Date Etiquette 

Image courtesy of Madame Noire.

Image courtesy of Madame Noire.

Written by Black Soliloquy

 

I’m a GRIT—a G.irl R.aised I.n T.he S.outh. I’m also a Womanist. These two versions of me clash at times. I love claiming and exercising my sexuality, but I do have manners, for heaven’s sake!

I know off the bat my precious kitty (an actual feline, people) shouldn’t be my main topic of conversation on a first date, although I do have some precious stories and photos to share [insert photo of Ashes sitting on the couch with his paw on the armrest].

At some point, we have to move on from the thrill of dysfunction and learn how to be considerate when meeting people for the first time online and in person. After all, we’re opening ourselves up to love and Lord knows it doesn’t come easy (I don’t care what Iyanla says).

So, here are some shall and shalt nots of dating etiquette. This list applies to Internet sites and first or second dates (because you kind of want to keep doing what you’re doing if you’re graced with a second date, right? Right! 🙂

1. Don’t discuss the ex(es). Yes, the gay community is small and we all like to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon from time to time, but the first date should never include the phrase “who have you dated?” or “who do you know?” In Dallas, this question will open up Pandora’s Box each and every time. You won’t be ready, I promise you. Save it for later and stalk Facebook like the rest of us.

2. Refrain from listing all the things you don’t like. Some dating sites have a plethora of profiles listing the infamous “I don’t do drama” along with “liars,” “cheaters,” “women with children,” “plus size women,” blah, blah, blah. How about telling us who you are and the things that you enjoy? You want to draw the women in, correct? Plus, when I see these things, I automatically assume YOU bring the drama. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks!” Google it.

3.  Save the crazy for a later time. There’s nothing wrong with being quirky. I think spunk and a touch of weird is cute. But, if you’re going off because your food order is wrong and we’re on the verge of getting kicked out, or I feel my there’s spit in my food because you gave the waiter the stink eye, you probably won’t see me again. I don’t play about my food!

4.  Ask yourself if you’re truly single. Was your last relationship as recent as six months ago? Do you and the ex communicate daily? Do ya’ll still eat breakfast together? *wink wink* Chances are, the next person you meet will be a rebound. I can’t emphasize this enough. Folks get mad when I say this, but I’m going to say it. You shouldn’t be looking right now. You have some things you need to deal with first. And no, the best way to get over someone is NOT to get a new someone. That’s tacky.

5. Don’t discuss money. This includes shared bills and other financial obligations. Honestly, I don’t even want to know if you’re sharing a phone plan with your ex. And while we’re at phone plans, do ya’ll have to discuss the phone bill every month?! We’re too grown for this! Ooops, I digress. Again, don’t discuss money. It’s no one’s business what you have or don’t have. At least for now it’s not (unless you’re on the U-Haul fast track).

6. Listen. Now this last one is just a request. You don’t have to follow it, but if you’re thoughtful, you’ll consider it. It’s easy to fall into a “back in St. Olaf” story, but be aware of what the other person is telling you, verbally and non-verbally. They’ll tell you everything you need to know. Marinate on it. Intuition is a real and powerful phenomenon. Are the conversations usually forced? Are you so mesmerized by the pretty face and body that you hear nothing? Do your lady bits control how you feel or do you genuinely enjoy her company? There’s no need to waste time if you’re not feeling it. And no one wants to be strung along.

I’m no expert on courting, but I figure if we know the basics, there’s a possibility we can spare ourselves some heartache and frustration. At the very least, we won’t end up being the hell date someone will tell her friends about over brunch. Bottomless mimosas will help embellish the story, but still. Don’t be that girl!

Lies, Lies and More Lies: Why a Lesbian Sistah Can’t Find Love Online

Um is that your real picture? Furthermore, is that your real ass or titays?

Um is that your real picture? Furthermore, is that your real ass or titays?

Written by Aja I. King

Um this online “dating” shit … it’s more than a headache. Especially if you are like me and actually value being your authentic self and placing your heart and innermost feelings in the public domain. I really need to learn to hold back, but it just ain’t in me. It’s like trying to contain an emotional volcano. I feel and I feel deeply.
But back to my online “dating” rant: It ain’t for everybody and definitely ain’t for the faint-hearted. Maybe I’m too naive for these treacherous “dating” waters. I tend to take things at face value until proven otherwise. So now, even in my old age, I actually believe that’s you in that picture. The way the light catches you sexily posing in a bathing suit … silly me … didn’t know you swiped that shit off blackhotbabes.net (I’ll wait while y’all search for that made up site … nosy, thirsty asses). You know what I seriously want to see on these profiles? Pics of sistahs lookin’ the way they do when they first get out of the bed in the morning … full disclosure, baby. This would cut out all this nonsense.

As it stands now… we all seem to be acting like used car salesmen … hoping and prayin’ you don’t notice that leaky gasket under the hood (translation: closet alcoholic) or the completely worn out interior in some spots (translation: your coochie mileage is up there chile, don’t know how else to put it). Most of us are just hoping that we make it far enough along the road of love before you notice these ‘flaws’ and want a damn refund … or worst yet, abandon us inoperable on the side of the road. FYI: the cosmos fines you for that kind of shit, so don’t try it.

Look, you’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. If you don’t want to cop to it, let me be the first to admit it. And the real deal is: Nobody on these damn sites is or hell, we’d all be booed up. And I also realize I won’t be everybody’s cup of tea. Some people don’t like voluptuous or larger women. I get that and that doesn’t bother me. I was one of those people in my younger years before metabolism took me hostage and held me for ransom.

I also get that some women do not like, cannot take, ‘no labels’ like me. They see it as sexually ‘confusing’ or heretic to actually not want to be constricted by some arbitrary sexual category. I can imagine some sistahs thinking: “By Gawd, the bitch likes to wear makeup AND wear men’s boots? Ok, I’m getting this Boy George vibe… I’m confused …fuck dat … where tha ‘real lesbians’ at?” or  “She wants to give AND receive? WTF?

Lol. Yeah, I understand these ‘labels’ make it easier for some of you, but hell, some of us don’t want easy. We want to be acknowledged as a total, complex woman and human being, not just bits and pieces.

I’m a little bit of a tomboy and a little bit of a femme and a complete woman who loves pussy. What tha problem is? Why does that make some women uncomfortable?

Are you just a woman? Are you just black? Are you just crazy? Ok, that may be a bad analogy. You’re either crazy or you’re not. You can’t be a lil’ cray. That’s like being a lil’ pregnant.

So choices and options are good. If I understand nothing else, I understand that a woman likes options. And I’’ like to think I am a mature enough adult to happily allow you yours because I expect the same consideration. I also realize that I’m not as refined as some other sistahs. But I LIKE that shit. And I know that about me. I’m rough around the edges but it all smoothes out in the end. And the right woman for me will recognize and be drawn to that quality. Everything ain’t for everybody. And that is as it should be. If we were all the same, what a boring, pointless world this would be.

How Black Lesbian Families Celebrate Mother’s Day

As little girls, many of us dreamed of having families of our own. Except, unlike other little girls, we didn’t dream of a husband, we dreamed of wives or female partners with whom we could raise children. There are many black lesbian couples who are raising children together, and we wish them all a very happy Mother’s Day! We also wanted to share the stories of three black lesbian couples and their children:

Lauren and Latrivia love teaching Amarion, Amani and Amir.

Lauren (left) and Latrivia love teaching Amani, Amarion and Amir.

Lauren & Latrivia

Portsmouth, Va.

July 22 will mark four years that Latrivia and Lauren have been together. Biological mom Latrivia (the taller one) and stepmom Lauren (me) are parents to Amarion, Amani and Amir.

“We talked about what we like most about being parents and came to the conclusion that being a parent means you’re automatically a teacher,” said Lauren. “We take pride in showing our children the way of life, love, respect and most importantly education. We don’t know everything, but ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I can’t’ isn’t allowed in our household so we figure it out together. Seeing our babies succeed is what we strive for.”

What does Mother’s Day look like in their two-mom household? “Well, Latrivia made up a day called Step-mom day, which is the day before Mother’s Day for me. It’s my special day for being a mother to her children” shares Lauren. “We celebrate both days with gifts, relaxation and dinner—rather it’s cooked or we go out to eat. Last year the kids and I created a spa day in the house for their mom and the kids did all the work (manicure, pedicure, facial, massage, and fed her her favorite candy) and she loved it!”


Randi and Dorothia truly admire their children, Ranlei and Raeshawn.

Randi (left) and Dorothia truly admire their children, Ranlei and Raeshawn.

Randi & Dorothia

Cincinnati, Ohio

After meeting at work, Randi and her beautiful fiancée, Dorothia, have been together for “seven wonderful years.”

“Our daughter, Ranlei, turned 10 years old this year and our son, Raeshawn, turned 8 this year,” Randi says. “What we enjoy most about being parents is TRUE hugs and kisses, their laughter and watching them grow into themselves and develop the personalities they have inherited from us with their own twist to it.  I believe we admire them more than they admire us.”

Randi says Mother’s Day isn’t different because there are two moms. However, “I would have to say my favorite Mother’s Day was when the kids finally made a card for Dorothia on their own.  We generally hang at the house with each other and cook,” she says.


Candi (center) and her partner, Sharecia (birth mom) have unconditional love for daughter, Chy'rie.

Candi (center) and her partner, Sharecia (birth mom) have unconditional love for daughter, Chy’rie.

Candi & Sharecia

Tampa, Fla.

Candi and Sharecia have been together for 17 months. Their daughter is Chy’rie. What they both love most about being mothers is: “The unconditional love, watching her accomplishments and knowing how hard she’s worked towards them.”

In their home, they put their own special spin on Mother’s Day. Chy’rie makes Mother’s Day special for her birth mom, while Candi, who is more dominant, celebrates Father’s Day with their daughter.

Single Black Lesbians Talk Motherhood

Black mom illustrationEvery day I stand amazed at the beauty, strength and resilience of black women! I’m especially amazed at the black lesbians who are raising their children without partners either by choice or by circumstances. Today at Black Lesbian Love Lab, we want to send out a big Mother’s Day shout-out to the single black lesbians who are raising children they gave birth to, children they adopted, children they foster and those who are aunties to children of their siblings or friends. We also wanted to highlight some of those women’s stories below:

StaceyAnn and her activist toddler, Zuri

StaceyAnn and her activist toddler, Zuri

Stacey Chin is probably one of the most well known single, black lesbian mothers today. Below is a video clip of her talking about how passionate she is about her adorable daughter, Zuri. She also talks about her background growing up in Jamaica:


I was equally moved by the following stories of black single lesbian women and their journeys to motherhood:

Ashley Targaryen shares her story in an Autostraddle article

Ashley Targaryen is making plans to have a child on her own.

Ashley Targaryen is making plans to have a child on her own.

“While doing research on other people’s experiences with sperm donation I read in a book, Knock Yourself Up, that if you couldn’t afford to buy one vial of sperm per month and pay the doctor’s office fees for insemination, that you couldn’t afford a baby.

It gave me pause and made me wonder if I was too poor to have a kid. I wondered if I should wait. Then I realized that people who made less than me made it work so I probably could as well.

If I waited until I felt certain that I made enough money I might never have a child. I had already done the work of securing a support system of people willing to help me and researched what kind of social support services I could turn to if the need arose. It would have to be enough. The idea that if one didn’t have $800-900 of disposable income per month they shouldn’t have kids is classist as hell anyway so fuck that noise.”

READ THE ARTICLE HERE.

LezIntellect of Diary of a Black Lesbian

“I want children. That’s no secret. I am going on 30 years old this year and that clock is ticking. I swear I will NEVER bring any children into this world as a single parent. I do hope to one day meet the right woman and have children with her. That is the plan. In the meantime, I think I will busy myself looking for OUR sperm donor.
I can’t imagine this task will be hard. The world is full of men. The world is full of black men. The world is full of thirsty ass niggas, who don’t give a solid shit about their sperm. A lot of dudes out here just want to get a nut…damn the product that comes from it.
I’m just keeping it 100. I don’t think there is another race of man as emotionally nonchalant about their seed as African American men. So, I can honestly say I’m not sweating this task. I will say I want to be friends with this individual…if only for the sake of the kids who might want to get to know him one day.”
Kristi K of The KWord

“Okay so as many of my friends and family know, I want to have a little KK.  The

The many faces of Kristi K

The many faces of Kristi K

realization alone has been a scary one since for many years I said it would be me and Champagne (my puppy, not the libation) together forever. I said it so much I believed it… and then I didn’t. I guess it started when my grand nephews were born. They were beautiful and small and I was old enough to appreciate it. I wanted to protect them, educate them and foster their growth. And then I turned 30… and then 31… and… yeah older than 31.

I own my house. I have a profession. I have a large support system. I have a woman who wants to be my partner in this journey. ffe3c2937b32487b18472561ccca58b1I have more than a lot of mothers have had.”

READ THE ARTICLE HERE.

About Our Love: Karen and Jordyn

The happy couple unveils a Christmas gift for their daughter.

Karen (left) and Jordyn unveil a Christmas gift for their daughter, Londyn.

Written by Karen Briscoe

We are family. I’m Karen, my partner is Jordyn and our baby girl is Londyn. Although Jordyn and I are not yet legally married, the papers don’t matter to us because we are completely committed to each other.

What is family to us? To us, family is willing to sacrifice anything and everything to make sure no one is missing or needing anything. Family means having the back of your partner and children whether they are right or wrong. We complete each other.

 

I first met Jordyn in April 2010 through mutual friends. I was attracted to her beautiful, big smile, and she was attracted to my snarky attitude—I am a sexy, smart ass.

We started talking for a while and ended up losing touch. We found each other again in late 2011 and decided we should get together and take the next step. We have been together for a little over three years.

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We really do keep our relationship fun. We constantly try new things and bug each other by doing annoying shit because that’s just who we are. Lol. We spoil each other to show appreciation, but it is not always materialistic. We also believe that honesty goes a long way! We don’t keep anything hidden because it always comes to light.

We have no support whatsoever from our families, but we love each other. Obviously more then they love us, because we stayed by each other through hell and back a few times!

Our families don’t support gay relationships period. But I knew I liked women more than I was suppose to in early middle school. I was never sure that I wanted to make my life with a woman. I just fell completely in love with Jordyn and we started doing what made us happy.


Karen, Jordyn and their daughter, Londyn, live in Colorado.

Tiara’s Dating Diary: When Studs Become Moms

Tiara became a mother through adoption.

Tiara became a mother through adoption.

Being a parent is a tough job for any woman. When you add to it being a lesbian and then a dominant or stud mom, it can make for some interesting comments from strangers. In honor of Mother’s Day, Black Lesbian Love Lab checked in with two tombois raising their sons for their perspectives on dating while parenting. Tiara, who lives in Baltimore, shares her story below:

I do get certain looks when I’m rolling through the mall pushing a stroller with a baby bag strapped across my chest, but I don’t mind. Lol. Either women think it’s cute or they want to know if I actually popped him out. Lol. Why would they think any woman can’t give birth?

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, but have been scared because of the senseless things people do to children. I questioned if I was enough to protect my kid at all costs. My ex and I were at home one day when we got a phone call from a friend saying she knew a girl who was pregnant, didn’t really need another child, but didn’t want to have an abortion. I just realized that I would never know what I was capable of until I tried. So, we talked about it and agreed to adopt him.

I’ve been single for a year. I just haven’t yet found Mrs. Right. The kind of woman I’m seeking is honest, loyal and faithful. I’m looking for someone who I can build a future with and has my back no matter what—right or wrong. And when I’m wrong, she has no problem letting me know.

Tiara is raising one cool little cutie. Look at him work those shades!

Tiara is raising one cool little cutie. Look at him work those shades!

I think one of the reasons I’m still single is that not all females are accepting of the fact that I have a son.

Nine times out of ten, I have come across women who don’t want to deal with me because they think I have baby mama drama just because I raise my son with an ex. But there is none at all. We get along better now that we aren’t together.

I think I do all right as a co-parent. I try my best to communicate any changes as far as my work schedule. I make sure I’m available for doctors’ appointments. We switch off in terms of having to miss work if he is sick.

And by the way, I think some women do think I expect them to help care for my son, but I don’t expect them do anything for him. He is my child and I take full responsibility for feeding him, nap time, play time, bath time and putting him to bed.

What I really want women looking to date me to understand is that, although I do like to go out, there is a little person that I have to be mindful of. So, I may not always be able to pick up and go when they want me to.

I Love Being a Mom Because

I love the fact that as a parent I have the chance to shape and mold this little person into

Tiara hold's her son's hand.

Tiara holds her son’s hand.

the best man he can be, and knowing that no matter how bad my day is, seeing him smile is all it takes to make it better.

Ta’Sara’s Dating Diary: When Studs Become Moms

Ta'Sara got pregnant using a home insemination kit and gave birth to two healthy babies!

Ta’Sara got pregnant using a home insemination kit and gave birth to two healthy babies!

Being a parent is a tough job. When you add to it being a lesbian and then a dominant or stud mom, it can make for some interesting comments from strangers. We spoke with two tombois raising their sons for their perspectives. Ta’Sara, who lives in Tucson, Arizona, shares her story below:

I’m a full-time, black, lesbian single parent to twin boys. When people see me with my kids, they give me the side eye alllllllll the time. They automatically assume I must be a “syke-a-dyke,” or that I slept with a dude just to get pregnant. But that comes with someone being uneducated or someone who has been hiding under a rock for the past 10 years. Lol. I got pregnant through home insemination. Google it, folks.

I’ve always dreamed of being a parent with one boy and one girl so the brother can protect his sister. I was married in 2013, but we separated when I was 13 weeks pregnant. My ex-wife doesn’t want anything to do with my twins. She is trying to establish a new family with her new fiancée.

I ended up dating a friend when my babies were three months old and that went south quickly. But I have someone I am talking to now who loves and cares for my boys more than I could ever ask for anyone to. If I were looking for someone, I would look for a woman who is caring, independent, has goals and loves family. Also someone who can grow with me instead of hold me back.

Ta'Sara says she and her sons are a package deal.

Ta’Sara says she and her sons are a package deal.

Co-parenting isn’t a difficult concept for me with someone who is willing to let me live and do the same. It’s when the other parent decides they need to control every aspect of my life as well as my sons that there could be problems.

From time to time there is baby mama drama, because I have two other children with my ex-wife that she carried. She doesn’t allow me to see them and pretty much let her new girlfriend take my place as their mother. She has basically tried to push me out of their memory.

Any woman who wants to date me needs to understand, that there will be times when we cannot be alone or go out as much as we would like. I have responsibilities, and my children will always come first.

I want her to accept the fact that we are a package deal, and she can’t have me without them.

I Love Being a Mom Because

Ta'Sara's boys are too cute!

Ta’Sara’s boys are too cute!

I love the fact that I’m raising someone who will love me unconditionally, through all of my imperfections and vice versa. It’s also great to know that I’m raising the next Michael Jordan, Barak Obama or even Bill Gates.

Tianna & Charmagne Sport Two White Dresses and Matching Sneakers

Charmagne and Tianna held the wedding ceremony and reception at an art gallery. TimeFrozen Photography

Charmagne and Tianna held the wedding ceremony and reception at an art gallery. TimeFrozen Photography

A few months back, Tianna shared with us the story of how she met and fell in love with Charmagne. The Connecticut couple, who have been together for five years, married in November. The couple held their cocktail party wedding at an art gallery in Hartford, Conn. “It had just the right amount of industrial charm and funky, artistic features,” Tianna says.

Charmagne and Tianna sport matching tennis shoes under their gowns. Photos by TimeFrozen Photography

Charmagne and Tianna sport matching tennis shoes under their gowns. Photos by TimeFrozen Photography

All of their vendors were close friends or friends of friends. “We care deeply about the artists in Hartford and the great things that they bring to our lives,” Tianna says. “It’s a community that we are a part of as fellow artists, and we wanted to give our friends a chance to show off their skills.” Both women are artists (Charmagne a musician and Tianna, a writer).

See more photos from their wedding here at The Knot.

Congratulations to the lovely couple!