Written by Giselle Bella
So, you’ve been in a great relationship for some time, but … let’s face it, you’ve become content and somewhat bored. This is causing a yearning for what new lovers often refer to as “The Fire, The Flame.” You don’t want to drift apart, but the telltale signs are there. You feel, believe and know you two belong together, but how do you keep this going? You’re not going anywhere but to a simple or complicated place. How do you stop from making one of the most significant mistakes in your love life?
Start by letting go of your sabotaging ways. That’s right! Release the ideas and thoughts that your relationship is going down the drain. Your thoughts impact your life in a big way. So if you have negative thoughts about your relationship, then you will get what your heart desires. Of course, there is work, which needs to be done but it is not as arduous as you think. It does take diligence to have the relationship you want and you’re worth it. We always hear people in life-long relationships tell us, “It takes work.” Don’t believe me? Ask any couple who has been together for more than 10 years and seem genuinely happy. Note: I wrote seem genuinely happy. That is open to your interpretation.
In order to support you through this humdrum period, I have assembled some ideas, which will keep this fire burning! This is a list of ideas, which may be tuned as you see fit for your relationship. Allow them as part of your love life, not just a list of things to do for your partner or to keep her around. You do not have to do these every day, but use them, one per week, two or more per month, or maybe you are totally indolent and want to do something every quarter.
- Compliments: You will find that everyone [pretty much], including you [hopefully], likes compliments. So, share them. After all, they are free. When your partner does or wears something you like, compliment her. Compliment her pulchritudinous appearance. When she works her magic in the kitchen, compliment her. When she has a bright idea and when she accomplishes something; anything, compliment her.
- Courtliness: You are building more than a relationship; you are in a partnership, which requires courting. Simply put, maintain good dating manners with each other. Be courteous to each other. Sometimes, pretend you are still impressing her, like the first three months you dated. If you don’t care to open her doors every day then allow it to be some time or somewhere specific. Perhaps when you go to the market, maybe on your date night, or wherever and whenever you choose, make it memorable.
- Date [night]: Once a week, twice a month or even once a month works. Whatever you do, do not allow a month to go by without a date with your loving partner. Keep in mind that date night is different than family night. Do more than date nights, have brunch, and have breakfast and mid-evening dates. Get creative with your dates. For Pepa’s sake, do not always just go to the cinema.
- Gratitude: Make sure you do not go a week or the very least, a month without expressing your gratitude to your partner. Whether it is during the pillow talk, or the middle of lunch breaks, or during Sunday dinner, take the time to express gratitude. Tell her how grateful you are for something she’s recently done or for supporting you. Gratitude brings forth joy and joy is the sunlight of love. Focusing on gratitude allows more pleasant things to come about.
- Love Letters: It seems that we are turning into the age of quick messaging and are leaving all momentous forms of communication behind. Pick a day, a special day to you (both), and write your beautiful lady a love letter. Whether you are expressing gratitude for her presence in your life or writing about her butt and smile, communicate differently. Send it via mail, or leave it somewhere she will find; either via a card or just on paper; do it once a year or twice; just do it. If you are adamant about not putting ink to paper then send an e-mail.
- Play: The couple that plays together, stays together. I am talking about all kinds of play here. Have a game night and invite friends over. Enjoy a family game night. Role-play in the bedroom and even outside of the bedroom. Make each other laugh; laugh at each other; just laugh. Play on your dates. Play at home.
- Romance: So there is so much I can include here, but I highly suggest you think of Valentine’s Day. Anything to do with or on Valentine’s Day is often catalogued as romantic. You do not have to do these things every day but spread them apart. Don’t just wait for Valentine’s Day or her birthday to shower her with lovers’ gifts of romance.
- Spontaneity: Surprise her whenever you feel like it. Big or small, surprise her with a romantic night, sexy date, lunch date while she’s at work, flowers for no reason, a day at the spa, and anything else. Know your partner’s hobby and surprise her in regards to it. Fill her tank up before she leaves for work. Talk to her siblings and/or best friend to get creative with a surprise she wishes to have. I believe you can take this from here.
- Talk: Communicate with her by talking about your emotions. Tell her how you truly feel. Let her tell you what she sincerely desires. Listen to her and allow her to listen to you. Talk about your day, your individual goals and relationship plans. Talk about diminutive things and major things. Talk about yourselves and your family. Discuss things in the news or share your knowledge. Those talks will remind you of the reasons you adore your partner.
- Vacation: Get away from it all. Take a trip together, yearly. Even if you cannot afford to go abroad for vacation, go somewhere away from home for a long weekend or week. Vacations allow people to relax and therefore allow for cheery behavior. On these vacations, you will not just get to know each other more but you will build more memories to nurture your love.
- I love you! Tell her you love her everyday, not just on special occasions. I, for one, prefer that my partner knows it every night before we go to sleep or either at the first call/greeting of the day. Lately, people have attached a lack of emotion to “love you” and especially “luv u.” So stop, and simply say or write, “I love you.” You will not only hear but also feel the difference in the energy it generates.
Once it’s all said, tried, and done, it is about keeping love alive by keeping it going. Remember that communication will support you best. Tell your partner how you feel and what you desire in your relationship. Whether you choose to implement one thing from the list or none, the work starts with you. Finding love is like finding a precious jewel. Creating love is like having a unique jewel only you possess.
My love to you,
Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love. She wrote the Autumn Falls web series for Topp Bottom and published several books, including Gietic: Erotic Poems/Kinky Love Stories and Gietic II: Love and Loss.