You may or may not know the meaning of “Dickmatized”, so let me break it down. In 2011 singer Jill Scott coined the term in an interview with Sister 2 Sister magazine. During the interview Jill Scott revealed that she used to be “Dickmatized”. She explained the term as, “When you get caught up in the whole sexuality of your relationship but it’s not going anywhere. Just somebody giving you the good but not necessarily giving you the rest – or not expecting the rest from them.”
Let me set the scene for you. It’s Saturday afternoon and I am sitting in adorable Brooklyn cafe. My table is right near the wall which leads to an open deck. The weather is gorgeous, patrons are hip and attractive, the ambience is relaxed and the music at a perfect volume; smooth and melodic. Just think Love Jones, but restaurant style. This kind of character and aura does not happen often. Usually a restaurant in Brooklyn is loud, the patrons are rude and entitled and the staff is annoyed. That’s the classic New York vibe you will get. Needless to say I was happy I decided to come out. As I sipped on my strong sangria, a group of friends sat at the table directly across from me. The three gorgeous friends look extremely comfortable with each other, and immediately start their girl talk. I didn’t pay their conversation much attention. It was the usual, ‘how is work’, ‘how’s your kids’, and ‘what you been up to’, conversations; the customary touching base questions all friends ask.
Once the friends started drinking their demure demeanor took a turn to the left. The lowered voices they started with were now squeals of womanly laughter that made me chuckle. I love my friends and I know sometimes we get a little too loud so I couldn’t help but smile. The conversation turns to sex and of course my censors went off and I went to flinching my ears like they were antennas. I was going to catch all this random sex tea from these strangers. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. They were loud, like they wanted me to hear it. So I obliged and listened!
One woman with a head full of a exquisite natural red kinky curls said, “He had the nerve to ask me to borrow $200, like he’s going to pay it back. You know I already gave him money a couple weeks ago. But I said fuck it, let me give it to him. That dick is so good.”
Everyone knows that in today’s economy two incomes are better than one, so living with a partner is now the norm. When the topic of cohabitating came up between my partner and I, it was an easy decision to make. It didn’t make sense for me to be paying rent in a place that I was not staying. I literally was at her house every night. So we did it. I broke my lease and moved right in.
When I told my girls what I was doing, they were like, “Great! What are the arrangements?” I told them that everything would be split down the middle. A silence came over our lunch table. They asked, “Why? If she is already managing the rent herself, why are you paying half? I mean I can see paying a couple bills but why half?” Then the last comment was killer: “Shout out to the red flag.” I thought to myself, a red flag? How could that be a red flag? If someone was to move in with me, I would expect her to pay half of the rent. So why would I not expect the same because moved into someone else’s home? I told my friends that they had straight mindset, and they said, “No, it’s a dom and femme thing too.” (Side bar: My partner does not identify as dom but her characteristics are very dominate.) My friend’s point was to have me question if this move-in plan was for love or convenience.
Posted in Commitment & Family, Dating, Luvly Jones, News & Opinion, Uncategorized, Waking Up Luvly
- Tagged Black lesbians, lesbians bills, lesbians convenience, lesbians finances, lesbians living together, lesbians move in together to save money, Luvly Jones
Kierra and Keyshia have been together since 2005.
Keyshia and Kierra have been together going on 10 years! This couple (25 and 28) live in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., and have a daughter together. They became a couple on August 20. If it wasn’t for Myspace, we may not be sharing this couple’s story today.
“When I first lay my eyes on Kierra, I was in high school. But I never told her I had a crush on her,” said Keyshia. “Then we lost contact. She went into the Navy. I was searching everywhere for her and [found] her on MySpace. That’s when we started talking and we both told each other how much we loved each other. That’s when we promised each other not to ever leave each other again.”
Kierra proposed to 16-year-old Keyshia on their second date. Keyshia says Kierra is her first and last love. They got married on August 20, 2012.
See more pictures of this lovely couple in the gallery below.
Shaun and Jameese Cox are head over heels in love.
Although they met years ago at a birthday party, Jameese Cox still remembers the day she laid eyes upon the woman who would one day become her wife. “I thought man she is beautiful! It was just something about her that had my wheels spinning.”
Shaun and Jameese were the first to participate in Jessica Arnold’s “Portraits of Love” project. The series features committed LGBT couples and their love story. Jessica says, “We are not so different. It is the same love and NO ONE is less.”
Jessica said, while photographing this couple, she noticed “their complete adoration for each other. They were like newlyweds. Their love is genuine and beautiful.”
The couple is excited about this project and Jameese says, “I hope that by doing this project we could possibly change someone’s feelings toward a gay/lesbian relationship. I want the world to know that I love my wife! We are good people, and we deserve our constitutional rights.”
Click here to see more awesome photos and read more of this couple’s heartwarming story.
Shaun and Jameese recently celebrated their third wedding anniversary.
Posted in Commitment & Family, Galleries, Uncategorized
- Tagged black lesbian couple, Black lesbians, committed LGBT couples, committed LGBT photography series, Jameese Cox, Jessica Arnold JA Design and Photography, Jessica Arnold photographer, married black lesbian couple, married lesbian couple, Portraits of Love series, Shaun and Jameese Cox, Shaun Cox
Kate Davis (right) is proud to call the woman she married, four years ago, her wife.
Can lesbians have wives? Can lesbians be wives? Isn’t the term “wife” smack of ownership, oppression and heteronormativity? Considering how non-traditional lesbian unions are, the term wife may give some people pause. Six months after marrying her longterm partner in a church ceremony, Kate Davis was still struggling with this word. In a piece for Tue Night, she explains the struggle:
“Wife is such a loaded word for lesbians. When I married my girlfriend, it took at least six months before I could call her wife. I’d skate around the issue; she was my partner, my spouse, my lover. All of those words seemed more appropriate than wife. Wife comes with ownership — baggage neither of us could carry.
… The word “wife” reeks of subjugation and roles we couldn’t play. We are partners in almost every sense of the word. We are eldest daughters; no one is going to tell us what to do, think or be. The concept was contrary to who are.”
And so Davis and her wife decided that for them, the word “wife” did not have to be tied to old ideas.
Click here to read Davis’ entire piece.
Posted in Commitment & Family, Uncategorized
- Tagged Black lesbians, Interracial lesbian relationships, Kate Davis, Kate Davis lesbian wife, Kate Davis Tue Night blog, lesbian wife, lgbt, queer women of color, redefining wife, same-sex marriage
“I’m just not ready to be fucking anybody everyday.” My friend’s honest revelation had me laughing. She was telling me the story of how she met this woman on line who had seemed like the one! But after two phone conversations, my friend was done.
My friend never seems to have any trouble attracting women, but it had been years since her last relationship and she didn’t seem to be in a hurry to change that. In fact, she seemed to be a little too comfortable in her spinisterish ways. I was mildly surprised that she had given up so quickly on someone who seemed to be the one. But my friend said she decided to drop this woman because she started demanding that my friend call her everyday and chase and cater to her in a way that my friend was not excited about. Especially after two days.
I recently wrote about how scared I was to be in a relationship, and this week, I thought I would delve a bit into the real things that keep relationships from working period. Sometimes we are so focused on what we don’t want in the other person that we don’t look at ourselves. It’s not hard to find red flags when you are running or afraid of getting into another relationship. But if you’re happy and secure by yourself, then you’re not going to be eager to make certain compromises just to be with someone. The relationships we fantasize about in our heads don’t always hold up in reality and sometimes it’s just better to save yourself and her the heartache and just stay single.
Just Admit it, Dating is Too Much Work!
So yes, my friend is wise. She admitted to me that she really didn’t want to be bothered with the work of a relationship right now because her heart wasn’t in it. Especially with somebody she wasn’t really into. She was going to go at her own pace until she felt inspired/interested in making the effort.
I dated someone who said she didn’t want to be in a relationship from the beginning, and even though she changed her mind, I should have believed what she said because her actions spoke loud and clear. When I expressed certain concerns to her, she dismissed me or told me I was crazy. She was happy doing things her way and had little interest in seeing my perspective. I eventually got tired of doing all the compromising and giving in.
I’ve also been the one who said I wanted to be in a relationship but honestly didn’t give two shits about working with my partner to make our relationship a harmonious one.